The turkey says, "gobble, gobble."
I appreciate it when food comes with instructions.
You know why women's eyes are so noticeable these days?
It's the mask era.
How do you kill a troll?
Take away its internet access.
“You spend 90 percent of your adult life hoping for a long rest and the last 10 percent trying to convince the Lord that you’re actually not that tired.” – Robert Brault
If an astronaut steps on chewing gum then what will happen to him? He will simply be stuck on the Orbit.
What’s the best time of year to break out the trampoline?
Spring-time!
What's the opposite of urine?
I'm out.
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
The lobster and the crab one day
Proposed a friendly race.
Agreed upon the time were they,
Agreed upon the place.
The start and finish lines were where
The two thought they should be.
The crayfish with a clock was there
To act as referee.
And though the rule-book then was read,
Not all was clarified;
For as the lobster forward sped
The crab went to the side.
(Jeffrey Krise)
What did the flower do when she was challenged?
Rose to the occasion.
"I hate mornings, they start so early."
— Janet Evanovich
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
I wasn’t sure if I ordered enough tacos from Taco Bell.
So I got a just in quesadilla.
Ever wonder how gorillas can be so strong when they eat mostly a plant based diet?
Cuz they don't monkey around when it comes to strength training!
Organ donors really put their heart into it.
My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"
Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."
A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"
Q. Where can you view sculptures and paintings created by deer?
A. At the art moose-seum.
When someone accidentally stepped on his foot, the wolf screamed, Aoooowwwww!
“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
My lips are like skittles. Wanna taste the rainbow?
Why do owls make such bad baseball players?
Their hits are always fowl.
“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” said the divorce court judge, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband.
“I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”
What did the zombie call the girl he was dating?
His ghoul-friend.
During World War 2, sending food to the troops was a challenge. Researchers had to concentrate to figure out how to send orange juice.
Who is Medusa’s cheesy cousin?
Gorgon Zola
“I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.” — Jerome K. Jerome
I really wish my five-year-old son would make up his mind! First, he said he wanted a treehouse in the backyard, but now, he says he doesn't need it…
Took me twenty years to grow that thing!
There was a Young Lady whose chin,
Resembled the point of a pin.
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased a harp,
And played several tunes with her chin.
Did you hear about the viking cannibal?
He had a Swede-tooth.
Hey, remember back when we were a thing… Yeah… Good times.
Has anyone ever told you that your eyes are as clear as crystal? Because I can see straight into your soul.
Why did the boy feel warm on his birthday?
Because people kept toasting him!
What do you call a pickle from the southern backwoods.
A hill-dilly.
What kind of cake do you get at a cafeteria?
A stomach-cake!
What do hydras fear the most?
Dehydration!
What do you call an American Bee?
A USB.
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.”
Bill Murray
What did the geologist say when his doctor asked him if he was ready for his colonic? No FRACKING way!
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
My football teammate asked me, “On a scale of 1-10, how do you rate our after-victory celebration?”
I gave him a high five.
Do you know the difference between you and the new phone? The new iPhone costs $1,000 and you are priceless.
What should you give a deer when it gets stomachache?
Elk-a-seltzer.
I've started a Taco Bell themed John Coltrane cover band.x
We're called Crunchwrap Supremex
Dark-colored huskies found in Colorado can also be termed as dusky huskies!
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
Did you hear about the Owl that could play American football?
It was a superb_owl.
“We’ve been friends for so long, I can’t remember which one of us is the bad influence.”
— Unknown
Hey, did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Because honestly, Karen, you are a demon.
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