I'm going around with a bent knife, so that when I'm short on time, I can cut corners.
How does a rainbow greet the other weathers? With a yellow of course!
What did the doughnut say to the pizza?
If I had as much dough as you, I wouldn’t be hanging around this hole.
Calm before the score
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cash.
Cash who?
No thanks, I prefer walnuts.
My fire tonight...
Was lit!
What did the sink say to the water faucet?
You’re a real drip.
Why did the orange stop rolling down the hill? It ran out of juice.
If you need a mystery-solving, just call an in-vesti-gator.
Why don’t leprechauns run?
They’d rather jig than jog.
What do you think holds the moon up? Moonbeams.
“I think being a good father is keeping the mother happy so she doesn’t drive the kids crazy.”
- James, ‘Look Who’s Talking.’
What type of knife do chefs use to connect to Bluetooth?
A pairing knife
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
Girl, if I am epsilon, will you be my delta?
My feelings for you have grown exponentially.
Slightly disappointed that the makers of the shampoo, "Head and Shoulders" have not followed up with a bodywash called, "Knees and toes."
What do you call a mythical being working in a smoothie store?
Mejuicea.
“People do not wish to appear foolish; to avoid the appearance of foolishness, they are willing to remain actually fools.”
- Alice Walker
I took my dog's bone away from him.
She was fur-rious.
I love the name Charlie. Just wanted you to know I’d never Char-leave you.
I don't know if I just got hit by freezing rain, but it hurt like hail.
Why couldn’t the little girl ride the horse?
It was feeling bucky.
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
Have you botany plants lately?
A bald man walks into the Hair Club. “I’d like to buy a hair piece if the price is right.”
Hair Club Salesperson: “Well sir, how much do you want toupee?”
What bird regales you with stories of middle earth, knights, and allegory?
Bard owl.
What’s an orange’s favourite animal? An orange-utan.
I banged my bike against the wall today. it was wheelie unfortunate.
“I’m looking forward to seeing pie this Thanksgiving more than members of my own family.” —Damien Fahey
I started dating the girl across the street. Honestly, lawn-distance relationships aren’t that hard.
I'm pretty sure I was blind before I met you.
My computer crashed and I lost all the notes I'd saved for the book I'm working on called "1,001 cures for itches."
I guess I'll have to start again from scratch.
"My Doggy Ate My Essay"
My doggy ate my essay.
He picked up all my mail.
He cleaned my dirty closet
and dusted with his tail.
He straightened out my posters
and swept my wooden floor.
My parents almost fainted
when he fixed my bedroom door.
I did not try to stop him.
He made my windows shine.
My room looked like a palace,
and my dresser smelled like pine.
He fluffed up every pillow.
He folded all my clothes.
He even cleaned my fish tank
with a toothbrush and a hose.
I thought it was amazing
to see him use a broom.
I’m glad he ate my essay
on “How to Clean My Room.”
– Darren Sardelli
What is a butchers favorite facial hair style?
Mutton chops.
There once was a girl named Sam
Who did not eat roast beef and ham
She ate a green apple
Then drank some Snapple
Some say she eats like a lamb.
There was an Old Man of Cape Horn,
Who wished he had never been born;
So he sat on a chair,
Till he died of despair,
That dolorous Man of Cape Horn.
It’s so hot all the sand on the beach is now glass.
Why are men like coffee? The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!
Why can't pencils move?
Because they are stationery.
What did one angry werewolf say to the other?
- I have a bone to pick with you!
A guy goes to the doctor and asks for a vasectomy, the doctor asks why
the guy said: "Well, there was a family vote and I lost 17 to 1."
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.”
Oscar Wilde
The sweetest and fruitiest historical wonder of the world is the Grape Wall of China.
My father always taught me to be prepared for any emergency. I was on the ball when the streets flooded...
I was ready and wading!
How did the cowboy greet the equestrian?
Howdy Neigh-bor.
Accidentally ran over a French seal today .
Phoque.
What did the nervous crow do? The crow proceeded with caw-tion.
You must be marked Prestissimo… because you’re dashing.
Remind me not to get into another pillow fight... the risk for a concushion is too big.
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