The reason orange juice doesn’t slide well on hard wood floors is Because of pulp friction.
How is bacon like southern Europe?
It's got a lot of Greece in it.
Why did everyone hide from Sue on her birthday?
Because they wanted her to be Sue-prised!
Why did the dog cross the road twice?
He was playing Fetch with a boomerang.
What kind of dishes do skeletons serve tea on?
Bone china.
"I need to re-wine my life."
You don’t need car keys to drive me crazy.
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
What do math and history have in common?
They both teach people about inequalities.
Whilst holidaying in France I saw a group of mushrooms performing Queen covers.
I said 'You're brilliant, what's the band called?'
They replied 'We are the Champignons."
My girlfriend told me she will change me.
I thought she was referring to the character, but she found a new boyfriend.
I had fresh coconut the last time I went to Hawaii. It’s a tough nut to crack.
It is no wonder that Thomas Jefferson was thus named, his father was after Jefferdad.
Why did Dracula take cold medicine in winter? To stop his coffin.
I'd let you Chataranga over me any day!
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Les
Les who?
Les go out for a picnic!
Who carries out operations in a river? A sturgeon.
What do birds give out on Halloween?
Tweets.
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
“Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow.” — Don Herold
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, I bet this chair lift weighs enough to break the ice.
At the bar mitzvah ceremony, the Jewish onion greeted his uncle by saying 'Shallot'.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was either chasing an egg or being chased by an egg, I’m not sure which came first.
What do call a guitar player without a girlfriend?
Homeless.
Oh, I thought I was playing the first round, but I guess I got a free pass. Bye.
What do crows take for their gut issues? crow-biotics.
I'm like a cow in tall grass,
I'm utterly tickled to be here.
What does an owl need after having a bath?
A t-owl.
Donut even think about taking another donut!
Why did god invent men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn
Do you like whales? Cause I was thinking that we could "humpback" at my place.
What game do Ghost children play? Hide and shriek!
I killed a spider with soap
He got a clean death.
What does a polite vampire say to its victim?
- Fang you very much.
What’s the difference between a crow and a chicken?
A chicken can crow, but a crow can’t chicken.
Chuck Norris caught Covid-19 yesterday
The virus is quarantined for two weeks
"I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap." - Bob Hope
What does an exhibitionist snake wear to the beach?
A pythong.
Why did God create man before woman? He didn't want any advice.
Anaerobic respiration reminds me of how you take my breath away.
“It’s a shame that the only thing a man can do for eight hours a day is work. He can’t eat for eight hours; he can’t drink for eight hours; he can’t make love for eight hours. The only thing a man can do for eight hours is work.” — William Faulkner
When the strawberry's favorite song came on, he exclaimed "That's my jam!"
What is invisible and smells like carrots?
A Rabbit's flatulence.
What do you call a lie told by a skeleton?
A fibula.
Your eyes are as blue as toilet water.
What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee-fish!
The tiger ran away from other tigers as they were rude to him. He didn't want to be involved in a catfight.
Any proof that Saturn married more than once? Well, he do has a lot of rings.
By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
Charles Wadsworth
There are so many jokes about classical composers I could write you a Liszt.
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