Are you made of apples? Cause you sure look sweet as pie.
What falls all the time and never gets hurt? Rain.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because it was free-range.
Girl you're looking like a snack and I'm going on a diet.
When I read Philippians 4:8, I think about you.
What do you call it when a raven marries a crow? A conspiracy to commit to murder.
As he gobbled the cakes on his plate, the greedy ape said as he ate: The greener green grapes are, the keener keen apes are to gobble green grape cakes. They’re great!
“Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.” —Redd Fox
I used to work at a nut farm
The work conditions were great but the salary was peanuts
Swiped for the dog, stayed for the human.
Q: Which basketball players eat fruits?
A: The ones who like to cherry pick.
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
Q. What is another name for elk diarrhea?
A. Chocolate Moose.
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
A salesman knocks on a door and a little kid answers. The kid's got a cigar in one hand and a beer in the other. Salesman says, "Are your parents home?" Kid says, "What do you think?"
What do you call an American Bee?
A USB.
Do I know you? Because you look a lot like my next girlfriend.
What do you call a dinosaur with one eye?
A do-you-think-he-saur-us.
Why do watermelons have fancy weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
Don't add honey to your tea. You are already sweet enough!
Tennis matches and strawberry jam have one thing in common. Cons-serve.
I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
What did Abel yell to his brother when he noticed a storm coming?
Hurry, Cain!!
Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water?
Because he was a little horse!
Where do point guards take their dates to party after the game?
To a basket ball.
Are you from Starbucks because I like you a latte!
If you were a bouquet of fresh-cut flowers, I would take you home.
How about a kanga-root?
M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris CAN touch this.
What do you call an alligator that sneaks up and bites you from behind?
A tail-gater.
Love at frost sight!
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.” – Betty Reese
Officer: “I’m sorry sir, it looks like your wife has been hit by a truck.”
Me: ”Yeah I know, but she’s got a great personality though!”
Are we going to do some gravity experiments? Okay, let’s test how fast I would free fall for you.
A car carrying bank robbers and a truck carrying cement collided yesterday. Police are now searching for hardened criminals.
“Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work.” – Earl Nightingale
Would you like to come over for tea and crumpets?
When is a synapse like a tree?
When it is pruned.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Needle.
Needle who?
Needle little money for the movies.
Ever wonder how gorillas can be so strong when they eat mostly a plant based diet?
Cuz they don't monkey around when it comes to strength training!
Even after a decade or two, I think we will all remember this year forever.
I mean, hindsight is 2020.
Please don’t joke about my eyeballs.
It’s a sensitive area.
Haikus confuse me
Too often they make no sense
hand me the pliers.
What do you call an 'O' on fire?
Flamingo.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
What are bald sea captains most worried about?
Cap sizes.
Dancing Queen used to have a lot of profanity in its lyrics, but after computers became common
No-one needed an ABBA cuss
"Instead of taking the pants off the taxpayer it might be better to take the vest off the vested interests."
— Mark Twain
What kind of cake do you get at a cafeteria?
A stomach-cake!
What kind of wine do traffic cops like best?
Fine wine!
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