On a scale from 1 to 10, you're a 9... And I'm the 1 you need.
Q: What game show did pharaohs like the most?
A: The $20,000 pyramid.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Gnome! I can’t reach the doorbell!
“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” — Isadora Duncan
Where do bad beavers go?
They're dammed to hell.
Why were Native Americans in America first?
They had reservations.
On scale of one to 10, you’re a poutine.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time
I'm still figuring out how to properly wear a face covering. Before I could master the art I was robbed of my beloved mask...
It was stolen from right under my nose.
Irish puns are the most O'ffensive.
How did the wife know her mountaineering husband was cheating on her? She caught Himalayan about it more than once.
Is that the Helix Nebula I’m currently observing? Oh sorry! That’s your eyes.
Every function without you will always be void of love.
I recently got told ketchup doesn't actually use tomatoes
But I can't find a reliable sauce on that.
What’s the difference between England’s football team and a tea bag
A tea bag stays longer in the cup.
What did the doughnut say to the pizza?
If I had as much dough as you, I wouldn’t be hanging around this hole.
Why would a real estate business never close down?
Since it’ll never be out of commission.
Bob Hope
I have Alzheimer’s bulimia – first I eat everything in sight and then I forget to puke.
There was an Old Man of Vesuvius,
Who studied the works of Vitruvius;
When the flames burnt his book,
To drinking he took,
That morbid Old Man of Vesuvius.
Who doesn't eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey - because it is always stuffed!
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
Why was the blonde woman talking into an envelope? She was trying to send a voicemail!
Did you hear about the new book called "100 Miles to the Next Restroom"?
It's by Will E. Mayket and Betty Wunt.
Why was the crocodile invited to glamorous parties?
Because she was a snappy dresser.
Why did the toilet paper role down the hill?
To get to the bottom...
What did the steak say when he came across his nemesis? Ah, we meat again!”
What’s small, furry and slightly purple? A koala holding its breath!
A strawberry's favorite celebrity is Mary Berry.
Chefs earn a meager celery, cumin home beat they just want to read the pepper and spend thyme with the kids.
Why was the skeleton a success at work?
He had a head for business.
Which rangy centre could cover the whole ice? Jean Umbrelliveau.
A man walks into a zoo, there was only one animal in the zoo.
It was a Shitzu.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack? An abdominal snowman.
What do you call a Spanish goat with no hind legs?
Gracias.
Why didn't the two worms get on Noah's Ark in an apple? Because everyone had to go on in pairs.
A plant is fine, a shrub is fine, but tree's a crowd.
“Fond of doctors, little health, Fond of lawyers, little wealth.”
Proverb
I may not be the biggest football fan, but I love tight ends.
What do you call a dinosaur that's a noisy sleeper? A Bronto-snorus.
Baby seal walks into a club...
Years later he would sing A kiss from a rose in the same club.
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy you the kind of misery you prefer." ~Author Unknown
What kind of test do chemistry students like best?
Mole-tiple choice
What did James Bond’s mom say as she was giving birth?
"I’ve been expecting you, Mr. Bond."
“Bad decisions make good stories.”
– Ellis Vidler
Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.
What happens to a nervous nut?
It cracks.
Any time I wear a t shirt with a picture of a crocodile on it, I feel a little sick.
I think I might be Lacoste intolerant.
What do you call a weather man that destroys dinosaurs?
A meteorologist
“No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.”
- Bill Cosby.
Did you hear about the guy who opened up a store where they only sell Swiss cheese?
It’s a hole business strategy.
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