Why did the crazy man lose his job at the dairy factory? He was a danger to himself and udders.
Leaf me alone.
"Grandma's Off Her Rocker!"
In the dim and distant past,
When life's tempo wasn't fast,
Grandma used to rock and knit,
Crochet, tat, and babysit.
When we were in a jam,
We could always count on gram.
In the age of gracious living,
Grandma's life was one of giving.
But today...
Now grandma's at the gym,
Exercising to keep slim,
She's off touring with the bunch,
Or taking all her friends to lunch.
Driving north to fish or hike,
Taking time to ride her bike.
Nothing seems to block or stop her,
Now that grandma's off her rocker.
"Life is too short for self-hatred and celery sticks."
– Marilyn Wann
Fall arrives, and all hell bakes loose.
How do you come up with a secure password to protect yourself against hackers?
Just make it the last 10 digits of pi.
How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.
Can I tell you a joke about paper. Nah, never mind, its tearable.
“I have decided to cast my vote for any political candidate whose platform adds Monday to the weekend.”
What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday, the rest are weekdays.
Why is the air conditioner repairman the life of the party?
It’s not cool until he arrives.
Did you hear that the singer Seal left a night club event because of the revellers sharing derogatory poems about him?
He was dissed by the prose at a rave.
Why couldn't the teddy bear finish his dessert? Cause he was stuffed.
I can feel something brewing between the two of us.
Brace yourselves kids!
Our dentist is shutting down.
Anything is popsicle during summer!
What is an astronauts favorite chocolate? A marsbar!
If beauty were time, you'd be an eternity.
Q. What does a doe say When something very unexpected happens?
A. Oh, Deer God!
Q: Why did the tiger eat the lamp?
A: He wanted a light lunch.
Once upon a time, a knight hosted a live improvisational comedy show for everyone in town. It was known as 'Saturday Knight Live'.
It’s so cold we had to stop eating with metal cutlery. Some people walked around for days with spoons or forks stuck to their tongues!
My lips are like skittles. Wanna taste the rainbow?
Why does the river have problems remembering things?
Because she is becoming sea nile.
Are you from another world? You look like my love from another star.
When do monkeys fall from the sky?
During ape-ril showers.
Why did the pig have a heart attack?
Too much bacon.
Why are Men like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!
What’s the difference between England’s football team and a tea bag
A tea bag stays longer in the cup.
Why did the ghoul bury the trophy?
Because he wanted it engraved!
Why didn’t the light rain hit the target?
It just mist.
How do you get a mouse to smile?
Say cheese.
Pack your trunks – we’re having a pool party!
What do you call babies with guns?
Infantry.
What did the laser weapon say to the atom bomb?
"OK boomer."
Why did the slice of bread leave her boyfriend? She thought that he was just too knead-y.
Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde
It’s so hot I’m sweating like a politician on election day.
I can’t help but laugh a little when I see a pun about chocolate bars… snickers
My buddy was cast in Snow White and The Seven Dwarfs, but he was still angry because he wasn't Happy.
Q: What is a cloud's favorite reptile?
A: A blizzard.
Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
Would you rather kiss a shark or a jellyfish?
A jellyfish. That’s a no-brainer.
Do you want to hear a pizza joke? Never mind it's too cheesy.
A blond loses his check book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.
Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your check book, because anyone can forge your signature.
Man: "I'm not a fool. I already signed all the checks so there is no space to forge my signature!"
A komodo dragon works security cameras at a store for other komodo dragons. Mostly, he makes sure no other dragon is spying on the customers.
He's a monitor monitor monitoring a monitor for monitoring monitors.
I went skiing with broken bones.
I can't afford real skis.
What does an ice cream lawyer say?
You got served.
I want to read you from cover to cover.
You be Yankee Doodle, I'll be the pony.
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