You know the more I drink, the prettier you get!
What is at the end of a rainbow?
The letter W.
Why should you never fight a Gorilla?
They know king kong fu.
What did they give former Flyers left-winger Brian when he successfully
bulked up? Massive Propps.
Girl, if we were lymphocytes, you’d be a natural killer.
I can't let it be until I get your number.
If you are wondering about a peach's favorite game, it's peach ball.
I told my son that I wash my hair with poo but I lied.
It’s not real poo, it’s a sham poo.
What's the best time of year to see gorillas in the wild? Ape-ril.
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
A lemon got a job in a vinegar factory last week...
Starting salary was $15 per sour.
What do you call a t-shirt with cut off arms?
An amputee.
Did you hear about the final remaining unit in the apartment building?
It was last but not leased.
If a four-legged animal a quadruped and a two-legged animal is a biped, what’s a tiger?
Stri-ped.
“It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.” —Phyllis Diller
What do you call a small mosque in Spain?
A mosquito!
Girl: "Babe I'm pregnant you're the father."
Guy: "Can't fool me it's April's Fools Day!"
Girl: "Haha! got me! You're not the father."
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
What kind of cheese makes the best music?
Brieoncé.
“Mountains have a way of dealing with overconfidence.” – Hermann Buhl
Your Ph factor must be 14 because you’re the most basic need in my life right now.
Why should you swim in an ool instead of a pool?
Because there’s no “p” in it!
What do you call a ghosts mom and dad? Transparents
Where does Snowy the snow man hide his money?
In a snow bank.
Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts.
E. B. White
There was a professor named Chesterton
Who went for a walk with his best shirt on
Being hungry, he et it
But lived to regret it
And ruined for life his digestion.
Are you the end of practice? Because you’re always on my mind.
Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? Because it lost its filling
What is a chocolate covered car called?
A Ferrari Rocher
What do you call two female lovers spying on the government?
Lesbionage.
If I had to describe myself in 3 words?
Lazy.
"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney
Roses are red
And you gotta go
Because I found out
That you is a ho.
I want to open a doctors office with a nail salon inside.
It’ll be called “Many Cures and Manicures”.
What happens when a duck flies upside down?
It quacks up
What do you call it when your nose is stuffy at the rodeo?
Cowboy Boogie.
My friends say that I cannot cook alphabet soup for this dinner. And now they are eating their words.
My wife came home with a bunch of spring flowers and asked where I'd like her to put them.
I said, " I'll tell you where you can plant your tulips."
Just call me your baby, cause I wanna be inside you for the next 9 months.
What did one body of water say to the other?
"Do you sea what I sea?"
“Cats have a scam going – you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that’s the deal.”
- Eddie Izzard.
“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce
Why should you never expect perfection from geologists?
Because they all have their faults.
“I am your best friend, and there isn’t anything you can do about it!”
— Unknown
What did the lobsterman say when his crate turned up empty?
It a-piers we have a problem.
How many volleyball referees do you need to screw in a light bulb? None because they are always in the dark.
I'm reading a book called "The Yellow River"
It's written by I.P. Freely
Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.
Why are houseflies great at arithmetics? Because they multiply really fast.
“I found this humerus” is the perfect Halloween pun for boneheads.
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