“Have leftover Eggo waffles from your Eleven Halloween costume? We’ll show you how to make it into Thanksgiving stuffing. After the break.” — John Mayer
I tried to come up with a joke about social distancing but this is as close as I could get.
This blonde was walking down a road carrying a bag, when a guy came along.
The guy asks, "What are you carrying?"
"Melons," the blonde replies.
"Cool," the guy says.
"If I can guess how many there are, can I have one of them?"
The blonde giggles and says, "If you can guess how many there are, you can have BOTH of them."
Blood is red, cyanosis is blue, I get tachycardia when I think of you!
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
I finally realized why trees don’t have teeth.
Turns out, they’re all bark and no bite.
What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog? Stop touching my buns!
Did you hear about the fellow who threw away his new iron skillet?
It smelt funny...
My pet owl will soon turn 180.
He's not old, he just has a bad neck.
What did Sherlock Holmes say to Watson when he noticed sandstone deposits on the river bank? "It's sedimentary, my dear Watson."
What did the coffee say to its date? Hey there, hot stuff.
Some might say the violinists in an orchestra don’t do much.
They just fiddle around.
What’s a calendars favorite fruit?
Dates.
If a flower grew every time you’d cross my mind, I’d have a field of flowers.
Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell station.
There was a Young Lady of Dorking,
Who bought a large bonnet for walking;
But its colour and size,
So bedazzled her eyes,
That she very soon went back to Dorking.
What did Communists use to light their houses before candles? Electricity.
Why was the farmer angry?
Because someone got his goat.
All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight! (Larry Huggins)
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Brown is the color
Of elephant poo.
Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.
I am still trying to launch beef and cream out of a mushroom cannon. It is not stroganoff.
Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”. We’re a cover band.
What do you get when you run behind a car?
Exhausted!
Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He decides what time it is.
You must be a bowling ball since you’re right up my alley.
Are you a pranayama teacher? Because you just took my breath away.
A duck is standing next to a busy road, cars zooming past while he waits for a break in traffic.
A chicken walks up to him and says, "Don't do it, man. You'll never hear the end of it."
I'd like to get to know you biblically.
I love the way you look at me,
The sharpness of your gaze.
The way I hold you my arms,
You keep me in a haze.
I love the scent you bring with you, when you come into my home.
You bring me so much happiness,
I can’t leave you alone.
You pale them in comparison,
The rest cannot do better.
You are my favorite in the world,
I love you so much, Cheddar.
They say everything gets better with age.
Chuck Norris has died aged 79.
But Death is too scared to let him know.
Hey babe, wanna make a zygote?
“A stupid man’s report of what a clever man says can never be accurate because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand.”
- Bertrand Russell
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” —Henny Youngman
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein
Went to church on Halloween
Turned out to be a blessing in disguise
What praise did a bat’s friend deserve? A bat on the back.
Lesser leather never weathered wetter weather better
I had a colonoscopy yesterday and I think the doctor must have got carried away.
I said to him, "Can you back that up a little, it's irritating my tonsils."
What did the numerator say to the denominator when they broke up?
I'm so over you!
What is the name of the car that passes through the narrow stream of the river? Fjord.
If I was an operating system, your process would have top priority.
What do you call a funnel shaped storm made of ketchup?
A tormato.
The mama nut told her children to kick off their dirty cashews before stepping into the house.
“Santa Claus’ favorite swimming spot is the North Pool.”
When Chuck Norris's daughter lost her virginity... he got it back.
What did the horse reply when asked if it can jump 3 feet?
“I lope so!”
How do recreational league baseball players stay so cool?
They sit among their fans.
What did Adam say to his wife on Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve!
Go to BabaMail
