My wife got a straw for her drink...
When she sat down, she took a sip, and frustratedly sighed "My straw has a hole in it!"
I replied "I should hope it has two!"
Why can't you tease egg whites?
Because they can't take a yolk.
What vegetable lives in your heart?
Beets.
A pessimistic pest exists amidst us.
Chuck Norris won a 10 minute race after giving his competitors a 10 minute head start.
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
“A yawn is a silent scream for coffee…”
– Unknown
“When I was young I thought money was the most important thing in life; now that I’m old, I know it is." ~ Oscar Wilde
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.
I'm papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven't a clue.
For the pattern's all wrong,
Or the paper's too long,
And I'm stuck to the toilet with glue.
Volcanoes are rude! They are always int-erupt-ing.
Girl I just gotta get you. Call it animal instinct.
Does anyone remember the joke about the sodium deposits? Na.
Which word can be used to describe a peach that is surprised, shocked, or angry with strong emotion? – Speachless!
It’s so cold I had to eat ice cream just to warm up.
What kind of pictures do elves love to paint?
Elf-portraits!
Why is the nose in the middle of the face?
Because it's the scenter.
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
Your earrings are the mirrors which reflect the moonlight into your eyes.
I ordered the wrong kind of flowers online for Valentines Day.
Oops e-daisies.
"A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand."
— Barbara Johnson
How did Dr. Frankenstein pay the men who built his monster?
On a piece rate.
Did you know that chemists do it on the table periodically? Let’s be chemists for a day!
What did the drug diller say to the duck?
Are you on quack?
What is a skeletons favorite meal?
Anything with Ribs.
"Family Likeness"
"You're just like them!" they say.
And me, I yell, "No way!
He's so moody,
She's so shrill,
His chin juts out,
Boy can she shout!
His nose is big,
And mine's quite small
There's no resemblance at all."
But then on days of harmony
I find that I agree.
Our family is made of different parts,
But we're all the same
In our hearts.
– Alison Jean Thomas
Why did the college football team stop smoking
They lost all their matches.
What do crocodiles wear to keep their legs dry in the water?
Gaiters.
Are you that one more chapter? You keep me awake most of the time.
What did the mouse say when his friend broke his front teeth? Hard cheese!
Which is a Ghost’s favourite cheese? Ghoul-da Cheese.
Why did the shark spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny.
I chucked my phone into a very deep lake.
Somehow it's still syncing.
I had an instant connection with someone in South Korea. I think they're my Seoul mate.
What do you give prisoners for dessert? Jaily-Beans.
Doctor: "You look exhausted."
Blond: "I am. When your nurse phoned me yesterday and told me that I have to come today for a blood test, I spent the whole night studying for it."
What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children? "If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!"
I just wanted to make a good frost impression.
What does a Turkish kid say to his mom when he needs to do chores in the summer:
I dont’t wanna do it, it’s sho warm ma!
I cannoli be happy
Corn mazes should be renamed Maize mazes.
If your canoe turns upside down in the water, you can wear it on your head.
Because it’s capsized.
My friend accidentally got salt in his papercut.
Talk about adding insalt to injury.
How do werewolves eat lunch?
They wolf it down.
Happy Birthday, Old Buddy!
Are you like me a bit?
I let my mind wander,
It didn't come back...
But better over the hill...
...than under it.
What is an elf's favorite kind of birthday cake? Shortcake!
Do you know what you call it when you place beef between two slices of bread? You get a bull-only sandwich.
I bought a 400 year-old chair from Italy,
but as soon as I sat on it, it baroque.
So I was standing in the grocery store comparing the prices of a couple packs of hummus when my roommate came up to me and suggest the off brand roasted red pepper kind to which I replied:
"Ya, I'm not really sure about that brand. They seem to be very hit and hummus for me."
He was not impressed.
What types of mushrooms do vegetarians avoid? Oyster mushrooms.
Go to BabaMail
