When I was younger, I once smashed up a nest of heron's eggs.
No egrets.
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
Levi's should pay you a royalty.
What's a coffee's favorite spell? Espresso Patronum.
I went into a pet shop and said: "I would like a pet parrot for my daughter."
Confused, the owner replied: "Sorry, we don't do swaps."
What type of window do donuts prefer in their homes?
Double glazed.
What did a sign say outside the pet shop? Buy 1 dog get 1 flea!
The game of golf is 90-percent mental…
And 10-percent mental.
Did you hear about the conductor who was arrested for inciting violins?
They strung him up, but he didn't fret.
My mother always told me that the best place to mend clothing is in a wash basin
but I don't sink sew.
What are ice cream cones like as parents?
They’re big softies.
“I’m like Pacman when I’m at a party, I eat everything and run away from anyone coming close to me.”
― Unknown
Sleigh, what?!
As long as your dog sticks by your side.
Anything is paw-sible.
The forecast said that we’re in for a hot summer; better make sure I watermelon everyday or else the yard will dry up.
What do ghosts use to keep their hair in place? Scare-spray!
Where did Julius Caesar's fans sit at the Colosseum?
The Caesarean section.
Which type of whale can fly?
Pilot whales.
What bat was called an invader?
Bat-talina.
Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.
Thieves broke into my house and stole everything but my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant...
Dirty Bastards.
What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? A power failure.
What do you get when you cross a ghost with a chicken?
A poultry-geist.
What do stylish kangaroos wear?
Jumpsuits.
Accidentally spilled frosting all over the freezer.
Going to leave it be though, since the freezer has an auto defrost feature.
What does a pizza say when it introduces itself to you?
Slice to meet you.
Why are pickles in sandwiches always so polite?
They're well-bread.
Is a goat that eats office supplies on a staple diet?
Don't get caught between a chalk and a hard place.
Could I get your number so I can take you out to dinner Anna movie?
What happens when you rub two oranges together?
You get Pulp Friction.
Why was the bus musician so excited? He just got a 'ride-ing' ovation!
“Running: Cheaper than therapy.”
-seen on runner’s T-shirt
What’s a horse’s favorite country singer?
Colt-on Underwood.
“The waste of money cures itself, for soon there is no more to waste." ~M.W. Harrison
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
Who's a pickle's favorite artist?
Salvador Dilli.
“Sisters never quite forgive each other for what happened when they were five.”—Pam Brown
You and I make a deluxe combo.
A certain Leafs right-winger was sued by the Louisiana government. He was
Owen N'awlins.
What do you call a mouse with no balls?
Optical.
I saw a lady riding a camel and being pulled by a truck...
It was a camel tow
Why did the elf use a duck to wake him on Christmas morning?
So he could be up at the quack of dawn!
The pancake was quiet because it did not like to waffle.
There was a flamingo in our garden for such a long time, we started calling it a flaminstay.
Summer is like the ultimate one-night stand...hot as hell, totally thrilling, and gone before you know it.
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
— Anonymous
Why don’t penguins fly?
They are not tall enough to be pilots.
Why do hitters find it so hard to be productive when they are indoors? They always work on an angle to play outside.
I'm tired of this old broom. Got anything else I can ride?
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