What do you call super expensive shoes?
Cashews.
What is a cat’s favorite color? Purr-ple.
“The trick is to stop thinking of it as ‘your’ money.” – IRS auditor
"Snack time heals all wounds."
— Bridger Winegar
It is said that crows and owls are in caw-hoots.
Where do most horses work for their first job?
Re-tail stores.
Excuse me, do you kiss strangers? No? Then let me introduce myself.
Clean clams crammed in clean cans.
Why do astronomers put beef in their shampoo?
For meatier showers.
Why did the ghoul eat a light bulb?
Because it wanted a light snack!
What do you call an otter with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!
I love pressing F5. It's so refreshing.
What did the rabbit say to the lettuce?
Romaine calm, I’m here for the carrots.
Why is it so expensive to run a submarine?
It's the depth charges.
What did the banana do when he saw the monkey?
The banana split.
An American is typing on a computer when he flies into a rage, shouting "How the hell am I misspelling color"?
A Canadian takes a quick look at the screen before rolling his eyes and walking away, saying "that sounds like a u problem".
I couldn't stop laughing when my father warned my brother, saying, "If you hack my Microsoft Office, I will find you, you have my Word".
“The turkey is dilated to 3.5 inches, stuffing is crowning, time to eat everybody!”
That’s what happens at Thanksgiving when your mom is an obstetrician.
Why didn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it got stuck in a crack.
Hey girl, I put the stud in Bible study.
"So… Do you like cheese?"
- Duke, She’s The Man (2006)
Are you a cake? “Because I want a piece of that.”
Let’s put our tulips together.
What do you call two fat people having a chat? A heavy discussion.
On a keyboard, nothing is under control.
Why did the T-Rex get a ticket? He ran through the stomp sign.
You must be copper because I always cu in my dreams.
What do you call a Viking who is really good at basketball?
a Vallhalla Balla.
"You round me out." — High Card Band
I thought Lord Of The Flies was about entomology.
It really bugs me that it isn't.
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
"Have an eggs-tra special Easter day."
What do you call two pears?
A pair.
"What did the carrot say to the wheat?
Lettuce rest, I'm feeling beet."
- Shel Silverstein
What did the ear of corn say when all of its clothes fell off?
Awe shucks!
What's a girl like you doing in a place like this when there's a Battlestar Gallactica marathon on right now on the Sci Fi channel.
Hey girl, I heard God called you.
Can I do the same?
There was a Young Lady whose nose,
Was so long that it reached to her toes;
So she hired an Old Lady,
Whose conduct was steady,
To carry that wonderful nose.
"There's always something to be thankful for on Thanksgiving. Even if it's just not being a turkey." -Unknown
I'm going to start a business selling worms and Nintendo consoles
I'll call it "Bait and Switch."
Where do fish sleep? In a river bed
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell“Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.”
- Gracie Allen
A couple was in the forest painting on fallen trees.
They were following their counsellor’s orders to have a meaningful dye-a-log.
Why did the mushroom need time off work? Because he was fried.
I'm feeling exceptionally alone in this cold weather. It's probably because I'm completely ice-olated.
I just found out what animal’s been getting into my avocado plants...
It was a guaca-mole.
“The older I get, the better I used to be.” – Lee Trevino
What happened when the guitars got in a fight?
They got in treble.
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
Where does a 500-pound penguin sit?
Anywhere it wants.
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