Why did the baker go to the toilet?
Because he kneaded a poo.
I introduced my mouse to my keyboard today...
It was awkward at first, but then they just clicked.
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
I killed a spider with soap
He got a clean death.
I need to stop being such a numbskull.
You must be a magician, because every time I look at you, everyone else disappears.
Why did the kid pursue scuba diving?
Because all his grades are below C-level.
Don't get tide-up in sorrows, you will only cry a river.
Why didn't the conductor know what to do when he found that his train was missing?
He wasn't trained for this.
Why is the taste of moon rock better than that of Earth rock? Because it’s a little meteor.
Wanna go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.
I must be lost. I thought paradise was further south.
“I told you Doc!! I’ve got fatigue and my heart keeps skipping a beat! Why do you keep calling me a liar??
Doctor: “Sir, I’ll say it again, that’s A Fib!”
Why did the owl 'owl?
Because the Woodpecker would peck 'er.
“From the ages of eight to 18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
Jarod Kintz
What do you call a deodorant that's never happy?
A deodor-rant.
What do you call a periodic table when the gold is missing? Au revoir.
I was cutting cheese into very small pieces with a knife. The knife was great but a machine to help would’ve been grater.
Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
Nice Ass-teroid.
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
I'm really obsessed with the F1 key on my keyboard. I'm trying to get help.
"Want to come see my HARD DRIVE? I promise it isn't 3.5 inches and it ain't floppy."
"Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!"
- Lewis Black
Where do werewolf go if their tails fall off?
A re-tail store.
I was gonna walk barefoot through the yard.
But that would cause an ecological crisis.
"Sometimes you just need to lie on the couch and read for a couple of years."
Q: What do you do with unruly green kids?
A: Make them do limeout.
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
What did the tortilla chip say to the guacamole?
“You are all I avo wanted.”
If you're alone and get too cold, you might become ice-olated.
The walnut was not good at sports but did really well with his macadamia at school.
What did the mitt say to the baseball?
Hey baby, you're quite a catch.
What do you call it when the axe in your hand falls on your feet.
An AXEIDENT.
Hey shawty, it’s sherbert day.
Why didn’t the skeleton feel like patching up his broken ribcage?
His heart wasn’t in it.
My mom: son, why did I find "how to delete your history" in your history?
Me: because it was useless.
What did the blender say to his crush?
"I have mixed feelings about you, but we might blend together perfectly."
If I had a star for every time you brightened my day, I would be holding a galaxy.
Llama know if you don’t like these puns and alpaca my suitcase and leave!
“Gardeners know the best dirt.”
— Anonymous
What do pigs drive? Pigup trucks.
What do you call a shark that can’t stop singing “U Cant Touch This?”
An M.C. Hammerhead.
Some folks call me a sausage dog
I think they couldn’t be meaner
It’s not my fault I’m long and short
And look like a misshapen wiener
I’ve got four stumpy little legs
So my tummy is near to the ground
My owner’s take me for a drag not a walk
Guess that's why they named me Cigarette!
(Rob Carmack)
Hey girl, I'd swim across the ocean just to see you smile.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m a schizophrenic,
and so am I.
I pitcher us together forever.
“I’m only a morning person on December 25th.”
– Unknown
Were you born in a farm? You look a-maize-ing.
Never talk to me about fashion
It just goes in one year and out the other
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