I'd want to know why the winters are so cold in America. I think Alaska local.
If you can tell me the difference between Flag Day and the 4th of July, I will buy you a drink.
I knew a vampire who became a poet.
He went from bat to verse.
The only time a basketball team can chase a baseball team is five after nine.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
I showed my mom my report card, she said that she needed to see more A's
I said OKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY
What is one way to save money when you go to the lake?
Buy a “sale boat.”
I’d like to tell a joke about salt but then said to myself: "Na."
A trip to Ireland is quite a cliffhanger.
What do you call a werewolf that can’t decide what to wear?
A what-to-wear-wolf.
Why was the old computer sad?
Because it had a floppy disk.
One of my ancestors was once hired by Henry VIII to teach his son to play the trumpet
He was a Tudor tooter tutor.
Some people say popcorn is hard to chew. There’s a kernel of truth to that.
Do you play soccer? Because I think I'm gonna score tonight.
What do you call a happy penguin?
a Pen-Grin!
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.
What kind of bread does a racehorse eat?
Thoroughbred.
Who carries out operations in a river? A sturgeon.
I wish you something, just can’t remember,
Don’t be upset, you’re my family member.
It was clearly, on my mind,
With so many thoughts, it’s hard to find.
Visions appear of colorful balloons,
In the background I hear those fine tunes.
Near the end of the dream, I can taste a delicious cake,
It must be your birthday, as I awake.
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
Bee warned.
Bee puns really sting.
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
You're so amazing that I always use the partitive genitive when I talk about you.
"Chardonnay or should I go?"
I once asked my grandfather how he'd lived so long
He smiled and said; "I sprinkle a little gunpowder on my cereal every morning."
I always thought that was a little weird but he did live a long life and left a great legacy; a thriving career, loving wife, seven children, sixteen grandchildren, two great-grandchildren, and a massive hole in the crematorium wall.
I didn't want to have brain surgery but I had to.
I guess it changed my mind.
I think there’s something wrong with my eye. I can’t take them off of you.
What do you call a baby potato? Tater tots!
What do peach soldiers say to each other before they are sent into combat? – “Good luck and make sure you come back in one peach!”
I hope it doesn’t rain Halloween night.
That would dampen spirits.
Q. What did the Aussie zookeeper say to the gorilla who was spying on him?
A. There's no need to pry, mate.
Whoever slit the sheets is a good sheet slitter.
My doctor told me to cut down on red meat.
So, could you brown it up a bit?
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
I HATE when homeless people shake their cans of change at me.
I get it, you have more money than me, you don't have to show off.
What do you get if cross a baseball player and a monster?
A double header.
I feel an attraction between the two of us that is more than just our physical gravitation.
If I was an enzyme, I'd be helicase so I could unzip your genes.
If February is Black History Month and March is Women’s History Month, what happens the rest of the year?
Discrimination.
Your name must be Jelly... cuz jam don't shake like that.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist,
While you were arguing over that glass of water, I drank it.
-Opportunist
Who were the first cheese lovers ever?
Edam and Eve.
A Halloween bash in my street
was a night that will never repeat
the spirits that come
were tequila and rum
and I ended up drunk on my feet.
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad to see me?
A potato chip is something
Never ceasing to amuse.
I love it's funny wrinkles
And the crunchy way it chews.
(Anthony Gallagher)
You are hot to the core, aren’t you?
Middle C, E flat, and G walk into a bar.
“Sorry,” the bartender says. “We don’t serve minors.”
“The worst thing about being a tourist is having other tourists recognize you as a tourist!”
– Russell Baker
“The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill.” Peter Ustinov.
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