Feeling my shelf.
What did the skeleton say when he went riding on his motorcycle?
- I’m bone to be wild!
What do you call a frozen dog? A pupsicle.
Frankenstein’s monster was really worried one day.
“Pull yourself together”, said Frankenstein.
What do you get when you cross a chicken with a Martian?
An eggs-traterrestrial.
Where do pepperonis go on vacation?
The Leaning Tower of Pizza.
What do you call super expensive shoes?
Cashews.
Why did the duck detective get the key to the city?
Because he quacked the case.
Why was the cheese asked to leave the restaurant?
The cook said “we don’t serve your rind here”.
Don’t give into beer pressure.
Two white bears got married, but soon ended up unhappy and got divorced.
It’s as if they were polar opposites.
My cardiologist friend keeps sending me x-rays of his chest.
A bit weird, I know, but it just shows his heart is in the right place.
If I buy you guacamole, will you sleep with me?
You must think I’m some kind of avocad-ho.
What do the laws of physics and the president of Russia have in common?
You can't choose them.
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
What kind of photos do turtles take?
Shell-fies.
I wish I was Tim Horton's coffee…So I could get close to your lips.
The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
The surgeon was fired later that day.
Why an astronaut can be said similar to a football player? They both strive for touchdowns!
Any advice on getting a pet pig? Just be sure you get the pig of the litter.
“If you don’t annoy your big sister for no good reason from time to time, she thinks you don’t love her anymore.”—Pearl Cleage
If you walk along a railroad track you may soon feel run down.
You’re my soul Santa.
We all sat by the fireplace listening to the basketballer’s story. At some point, I found it unbelievable. It was such a tall tale!
Even Santa doesn't make candy as sweet as you.
“You know the trouble with real life? There’s no danger music.”
Jim Carrey
Wife dropped a jar of pickles upon opening the fridge; glass and pickle juice went all over the kitchen floor.
Me: Don't worry, it's not a big dill.
What did the kitten say after a disaster? That was cat-astrophic
What do you call a cat that is scared of small spaces? Clawstrophobic!
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
What do you call a boy swimming at the beach?
Buoyancy.
Don’t ever trust a leper-con!
There’s a suspicious email going around, with the subject line “Canned meat.” Don’t open it, it’s spam!
Have you botany plants lately?
I’m sure wherever my dad is he’s looking down on us… he’s not dead… just very condescending.
Jack Whitehall
“Thanks TSA, I haven’t been touched like that since prom night.”
— Meaghan O’Connell
How did the cowboy greet the equestrian?
Howdy Neigh-bor.
What does bread say to a friend after doing them a favor?
It’s the yeast I could do.
My wife got mad at me for playing catch with my son in the backyard
... I didn’t see the big deal until I dropped him.
Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
Ed Belfour's new contract offer isn't high compared to other goal tenders.
Why don’t anteaters get sick?
Because they’re full of antibodies.
Being vegetarian was a huge missed-steak.
My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles elbow.
When I see you I get a Dirty, Dirty Feeling so Don't Be Cruel and be my Earth Angel
How many software engineers do you need to change a light bulb?
None – it’s a hardware problem.
My friend was totally addicted to the cold meat section in our local supermarket. It got so bad, they had to quit cold turkey.
Football is one habit I will never kick
Why did the orange fall out of the tree?
It went out on a limb.
My dad has been making Halloween related puns all morning
He's now asking that I call him the Halloween Pun King.
What is a cat’s favorite horror movie? The Purrrge!
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