My friend always sleeps with his head on a bag of rice
He said it was a type of pilau.
What do you call an alligator showing off his spine flexibility on the internet?
E-Reptile Disc Function
Some call them opponents. We call them victims. It sounds like you have the right mindset to succeed on the court!
How many middle-hitters do you need to screw in a light bulb? Only one, but the the setter has to put it perfectly in their hand first.
How do you confuse a blond?
Tell them to count the stairs on a escalator.
"I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake."
— Lewis Black
“If Monday was a gift, I would happily return it to the person who gave it to me.”
"If you can count your money, you don’t have a billion dollars." ~ J. Paul Getty
"Everything happens for a riesling, right?"
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur A lickalotopis
How do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern?
You use a pumpkin patch.
The artist shouldn't have taken that sculpture for granite, now it's stone-cold.
How many colors are in the rainbow? I haven't got a blue.
If only I could grow green stuff in my garden like I can in my refrigerator.
Basketball players make good husbands. They never shoot their wives.
What kind of ice cream to electricians eat?
Shock a lot.
"Have you seen our toilet roll?" asked my wife.
"Don't be silly," I replied.
"A toilet is a stationary object."
Ah! The element of surprise.
What do rabbits say before they eat? Lettuce pray.
What do you call a mouse with no balls? Optical. What is a mouse's favorite record? 'Please cheese me'!
My mom told me that life is like a deck of cards, so you must the be queen of hearts.
My wife threw a saucer at me because I hadn't completed the science project of our kid until then. Interestingly, he won first prize at school for presenting...
a Flying Saucer.
I feel thankful for having you as my gym buddy and lover.
Our relationship is really working out.
A brain aneurysm would be swell.
How does Bigfoot clear his sinuses?
With a yeti pot.
"There are no gardening mistakes, only experiments."
— Janet Kilburn Phillips
Why did the chicken join a band?
Because it already had drumsticks.
Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."
There was an Old Man of Aôsta,
Who possessed a large cow, but he lost her;
But they said, 'Don't you see
She has rushed up a tree?
You invidious Old Man of Aôsta!'
I tried to taste the hot light bulb
But I got my tungstenned.
My mind works like lightning.
One brilliant flash and it's gone.
Do you mind if I slip my rope under your route?
Are you from Mars? Because your a** is out of this world!
You must have a C3 convertase inhibitor because you’re impossible to complement. You’re already perfect.
My son asked me, "Daddy, why do bees stay in the hive in the winter?" I smiled and answered...
"Swarm."
Did you just swallow a magnet? Because I’m so attracted to you right now.
Why would you Mary Shelley when you could marry me?
What do vegetarian zombies say?
Graaaiiinnss!
Who does a dead pharaoh talk to?
His mummy.
If you see a wasp, don't kill it. Let it bee.
What kind of emotions do noses feel? Nostralgia. Why did the dog cross the road? To get to the "barking" lot!
Oh buoy – we’re having a splash bash!
Your name must be Candy- cuz you look so sweet.
What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it? Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all!
Why does a milking chair only have three legs?
The cow has the udder.
Do you know why no one has ever been sentenced for crimes committed on the moon?
Because it's a gray area.
“Undermine the entire economic structure of society by leaving the pay toilet door ajar so the next person can get in free.” - Taylor Meade
What do you call a European Bigfoot?
Bigmeter.
What's it called when a buffalo turns two hundred years old?
A Bisontennial!
Want to go for a ride?
Go to BabaMail
