What did the banana say to the monkey? Nothing, bananas can't talk!
Spring is the perfect time to turn over a new leaf.
Why don’t penguins fly?
They are not tall enough to be pilots.
I do not like lotion at all.
It really gets under my skin.
What Kind of Books do Rabbits Read? Ones with Hoppy Endings.
So, is it my dugout or yours?
Went on a diving trip with strangers and found a sunken vessel. We're all pitching in to salvage and rebuild it.
I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friend-ship.
Red wasn't feeling very well for the past few weeks. He has been diagnosed with scarlet fever.
Why don’t kangaroos make good sailors?
Because they’re always jumping ship.
"Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night." —Dave Barry
I’ve always thought that heck is the only thing hotter than the sun but that has all changed today.
“I like football. I find it’s an exciting strategic game. It’s a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.” —Craig Ferguson
“A photographer gets people to pose for him. A yoga instructor gets people to pose for themselves.” — Terri Guillemets
I have a spouse in a different nation.
The Imagination.
Why do golfers love donuts?
Always a hole-in-one!
What is a naughty beavers' favorite type of wood ever? Knotty pine.
Where do most horses work for their first job?
Re-tail stores.
"Men do not quit playing because they grow old—they grow old because they quit playing." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
I froze some raspberries last summer. You're hot enough to defrost them.
How did dinosaurs clean their teeth?
With flossils.
What is sticky and brown? A stick!
Q. Where do Midwest does prefer to give birth?
A. Deerborn, Michigan.
I love the smell of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies They smell just like burned toast
The bus driver was so friendly and nice, it was a 'joy ride'!
Why did the witch's cat scratch her?
Because he was in a bad mewd.
If you look at the map of my heart, it says 'You are here.'
You hear that? The ocean wants you to join me for a drink.
What has four legs, four eyes, and a net? Four pirates looking for a lost parrot!
Are you a sorcerer? Because everyone else vanishes when I look at you.
What color are military submarines?
Deep navy
Did you hear a gnome's favorite sport is baseball?
They love to score gnome runs.
It’s a good thing we’re bad at puzzles because there is no way we’re putting this shit back together.
Dad fertilized the garden with corn starch.
The plot thickens.
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What do you call mountain climbing corn?
Mountain-ears.
What did the blender say to his crush?
"I have mixed feelings about you, but we might blend together perfectly."
Can I slip one past your goalie?
Take an Avonleap of faith and go on a date with me!
Who is the perfect husband? One who keeps his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
What did the Ocean say to the shore?
Nothing. It just waved.
What’s a missionary’s favorite type of car?
A convertible.
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
If you see a ghost, you should always say, 'How do you boo?'
On Big Ben. “It’s just a big clock? I don’t understand all the hype with this clock. It is literally just a clock. It’s going to be a digital one in thirty years anyway. ”
— Montgomery Smith
Why is the world so diverse?
Because it contains alkynes of people.
I overheard some guys talking about wether they prefer to use urinals or toilets to do their business, then one says "I prefer to sit down".
Another friend, shocked, says "I though you were a stand-up guy?"
It's foolish for humans to try and take back the planet of the apes
Since they are incredibly good at gorilla warfare.
My lifeguard friend had come back home and wanted to do some work, so I gave him my computer to use. Now I have a screen-saver at my house.
The expiration date says "best if used by tonight." Can I make you dinner?
What is small, furry and brilliant at sword fights?
A mouseketeer!
You’re my soul Santa.
Did you hear of the new disease going through France?
I've heard it was a Paris-ite.
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