When I drink, I always end up with rosy cheeks,
I wake up in the flower bed at the end of my garden the next day.
“Winter blues are cured every time with a potato gratin paired with a roast chicken.”
– Alexandra Guarnaschelli
A weeping camel is known as a humpback wail.
What did one werewolf say when he saw his friend?
- Howl’s it going?
Before the Koalaville basketball team can play for the national championship, they have to make it through the koalafying rounds.
Someone once asked if I ever played the violin
I told him that I had fiddled with it.
On scale of one to 10, you’re a poutine.
What do ghouls love to eat?
Fettuccini Afraid-o!
Why couldn't the skeleton get a date to the dance?
He doesn't have the heart to ask anyone out.
Why do the blondes prefer to have se* instead of bowling?
The balls are lighter, and you don't have to change shoes.
What is a cyclops' favorite winter activity?
Sking. That's like skiing, but only with one eye.
The worst part about being a giraffe…
Is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you’re sinking into quicksand.
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up
(Ogden Nash)
Vampires love cookies too, they love No-stake cookies.
Playing the keyboard is...
my type of music.
How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just compliment it and then get mad when it won't screw.
Honey, are you a drummer? Because you can make my heart skip a beat.
We’ve all heard of the mushroom who gets invited to the party cause he’s a fungi, but what about the mushroom who stole all the halloween candy?
He had no morrels.
“This crisp winter air is full of it.” – John Burroughs
I need a front door for my hall,
The replacement I bought was too tall.
So I hacked it and chopped it,
And carefully lopped it,
And now the dumb thing is too small.
Within the labyrinthine bureaucracy prowls the deadly Adminotaur.
“I’m a Capricorn and I’m mad loyal — mad loyal! — and I will always look for the good in people.”
— Jeannie Mai
Q: Why did the little clouds idolize the big cloud?
A: Because he was the raining champion.
I like your tight end
What did the cowboy say when he bought a yo yo.
This ain't my first yo yo!
I hope you know CPR, baby because you take my breath away.
Why shouldn’t you drive with a vampire?
He will drive you batty.
Did You Hear About The Duck With A Drug Problem?
He was a quackhead.
“Tomorrow is Thanksgiving! It’s the day you forget about all the fighting and division in the world and just focus on all the fighting and division in your family.” — Jimmy Fallon
Why did the skeletons stay out of the forest?
Because sticks and stones will break their bones.
Which position does the son of Dracula play on the baseball team?
Bat boy.
What do they call Chris Christie in New Jersey? Cake Boss.
What did the mama elf say to her mischievous child?
“Stop elvesdropping on Santa!”
What do you call a detective from the Reformation?
Martin Sleuther.
Aunt Kitty who lived in the city
Was thought to be quite witty.
She could make us all laugh
‘Till we cracked in half.
Then gaze at us with such pity.
There's something gorgeous about your eyes...
Oh, that's it! It's my reflection.
Did you hear about the Elf booted from the chorus?
He couldn't Fa-la-la-la-long.
If Satan ever lost his hair...
There would be hell toupee.
Do you get a hint of almond in this Keemun? No? That’s odd because I’m nuts about you.
I'm lactose intolerant so please keep your cheesy pick up lines away from me.
How do penguins drink?
Out of beak-ers!
Does anybody remember the joke I posted about my spine?
It was about a weak back.
My friend called and said he was sick of his fireplace exhaust vent...
Sounds like another case of the flue.
Excuse me, but I think I dropped something! My jaw.
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th.
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
I’ve loved my vacation in France, but it’s time to Hugo.
I broke up with my girlfriend after she contracted the corona virus
I’ve decided to wash my hands of her.
What is the executioner’s favorite vegetable?
A head of lettuce.
What goes in dry and comes out wet. The longer I'm in, the stronger I get.
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