Do you like sales? Because if you're looking for a good one, clothing is 100% off at my place.
What do you call a bee who never brags?
A humble-bee
Except the direction I'm walking in.
There’s a man in Florida with no arms or legs who is armed and on the run
My son asked me how I never seemed to lose the TV remote when he was growing up.
I told him I'd always put it in a location away from all the clutter...
A remote location.
Hey girl, these swimming pool lane lines can't keep us apart.
Why did the elf use a duck to wake him on Christmas morning?
So he could be up at the quack of dawn!
Why are parrots so good at imitations? They love parrot-y! (parody)
I need to apologize to my fellow Californians for all the recent forest fires.
Apparently I'm the only one that could've prevented them
I thought I checkmated my dad with my new glass set in chess...
But he saw right through it
I didn’t know that my favorite Halloween treat came in life size!
Wait a minute something’s wrong,
Something is missing in your name!
Oh, I know exactly what it is,
Our last name is not yet the same!
My favorite fruit is the pear.
Because if you have two and you eat one, you still have a pear left.
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
What does a four-wheeled vehicle and a television have in common?
They’re both ATV
I designed a dungeons and dragons weapon for wizards. It's a magical melee weapon shaped like a tome that uses intellect for damage instead of strength.
I call it "Book Club"
Where do bats keep their money? The blood bank!
What did the big stag deer say to the hunter?
“Buck off, man!”
Which type of wine only comes in a box?
Carbordeaux.
Call me on the shellphone.
-
Where do sheep go to get their hair cut?
The baa-baa shop.
Q: What time is it when a tiger walks into the room?
A: Time to get out of the room.
The evil King of Weatherland only had one favorite weather - hail, storm.
Donut even think about taking another donut!
“If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter.” — John Gotti
"Grandpa’s Nose"
Grandpa’s nose is rather big
it’s shaped just like a horn
It doesn’t bother Grandpa,
he says that’s how he was born
I’m glad it’s not a ‘pick’ a lo
or a snooty flute
but when people hear him ‘toot’ his nose
they stand up and salute.
– Judy Valko
My uncles petshop really started doing well when he started selling parrots. They literally flew off the shelves.
Why’s it always hot after a football game?
All the fans left.
You seem to be traveling at the speed of light, because time always seems to stop when I look at you.
Having chicken broth before the game was a sure shot way to maintain energy for the Soup-er Bowl.
What do you call a locomotive with a cold? A choo choo train.
What is the fear of giants called?
Fee-fi-phobia
What does a gladiator say when leaving after an intimate embrace with a woman?
Gladiator out
Why did the daddy rabbit go to the barber?
He had a lot of little hares.
Pretty lady, I guess wishes do come true, seeing as a boy like me met a a girl like you.
Why do vampires need cold medicine?
For their coffin.
Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him What did Winnie The Pooh say to his agent? Show me the honey!
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk.
"Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read." – George Burns
“I think yoga should be for everyone, not just the folks who change their name to something Hindu.” — Tara Stiles
What concert costs $0.45?
50 Cent with Nickelback.
What did the llama say when he found out he had been robbed?
“I’ve been fleeced!”
“Fine! You guys can all be beautiful snowflakes! I’m gonna go over here and be an awkward snowflake!”
― Robyn Schneider
We caught the drummer of our band masturbating over his drum kit...
I guess the pervert thinks of them as s*x cymbals.
Why couldn't the squirrel eat the macadamia nut?
It was one tough nut to crack.
Did you hear about the painter who works in jail? They say he had a brush with the law.
What do you get when you drink milk
A moostache
I love you in the mornings.
You hold me tight and ask for five more minutes.
Then when it’s time to go, you don’t let go.
I start to stress and tell you to get dressed.
Dog socks,
Slippers,
Underwear,
Athletic shorts,
Polo shirt.
You are a sight to see.
But I love you most, in the mornings.
Walnuts are hard to crack open. It can take several mi-nuts.
I was on the way to the gorcer when I remembered, I need to put toothpaste on the grocery list.
My dad said, "Don't do that! It'll be all messy!"
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