What did Beethoven say to Johann Sebastian when he was helping him parallel park?
“Bach it up.”
What animal would you most like to be on a cold day?
A little otter...
Why doesn't james bond fart in bed?
Because it'll blow his cover
Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children.
A lot of people can't figure out the right way to dry their towels.
It's just something they tend to get hung up on.
What’s it like to be kissed by a vampire?
It’s a pain in the neck.
You're like my favorite candy bar, half sweet, half nuts.
“Both optimists and pessimists contribute to our society. The optimist invents the airplane and the pessimist the parachute.”
- Gil Stern
“Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there.” — Will Rogers
Gluten-free, dairy-free, fat-free – I love this new Champagne Diet!
The hotel said NO DOGS ALLOWED.
I guess it was a little too paw-sh.
My favorite fruit is the pear.
Because if you have two and you eat one, you still have a pear left.
Lately my wife has been looking at me as if I'm a piece of meat....
And it wouldn't bother me, if she wasn't a vegan.
Everyone knows The Beatles, but do you know The Laundry Beatles?
It's members are Paul McCottoney, John Linen, Ringo Starch ... And George Harrison.
My computer's favorite singer is A Dell.
Bonnie Tyler has released a video all about cardiology.
It’s totally clips of the heart.
I have so mushroom in my heart for you.
My neighbour didn't like it when I told him off about hoarding toilet paper
To be honest, I think he was being very anal about it.
The easiest way to know that you are eating a bowl of rabbit soup is to take a look inside and find a hare in it.
What did Dracula say when he saw a giraffe for the first time?
I’d like to get to gnaw you.
What’s a donut’s favorite lullaby?
“Sprinkle, Sprinkle Little Star.”
How does a vampire keep fit?
Batminton.
Let’s pretend you’re a croc so we can wrestle!
Putting on makeup and putting on glasses serve the same purpose...
They make the person look better!
What do vampires use when baking cakes?
Batter.
This foundation is rock salad.
It’s crazy that Dubai doesn’t show The Flintstones on TV...
But Abu Dhabi Do!
I like my coffee like I like my men: either tall or with a confusing Italian name.
What do you call the day in November when your son and all his cousins get rowdy? Spanksgiving.
Hey baby are you a boxer? You should try it, because your one hell of a knock out!
What is the worst type of blind people?
The Notsees.
Why are owls so good at math?
They excel at owlgebra.
What do you call security guards working outside Samsung shops? Guardians of the Galaxy.
It’s so hot that hot water now comes out of both taps.
I lost my future girlfriend's phone number.
I think you might have it.
“A cat is a puzzle for which there is no solution.”
- Hazel Nicholson.
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
France – it’s just a oui bit different!
It’s impossible to Rouen a trip to France.
Make your own decisions this summer, don’t give in to pier pressure.
Your beauty is blinding.
I’d love to spend some time Matthew
Soft fruit is not always the best at doing research. They aren’t very thorough; they tend to cherry pick information.
Did the sun come up or did you just smile at me?
Are you cold? You look like you could use some hot chocolate… Well, here I am!
What kind of horse would Bilbo Baggins ride?
A shire.
I’m icing the kicker – and by kicker, I mean beer.
"I despise the lottery. There’s less chance of you becoming a millionaire than there is of getting hit by a passing asteroid." ~ Unknown
What trophy does a stay-at-home defencemen win? The Snorris!
“Yoga class? I thought you said ‘pour a glass’.” – Unknown
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