What do you say you poke-check me real quick?
What do you call juice with no ice in it?
Ju.
Why were the kids throwing flour and bread at their school? They wanted to rise to the occasion.
There was an Old Man of the coast,
Who placidly sat on a post;
But when it was cold
He relinquished his hold
And called for some hot buttered toast.
There once was a farmer from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
But has all the tomatoes he needs.
What kind of shoes do mice wear? Squeakers.
What’s the best time to eat a peach while watching a NASCAR race? During the pit stop!
"I love running cross country. On a track, I feel like a hamster."
Robin Williams
Of all the girls I’ve seen on here, you’re at the top of m’Alice-t
What did the cherry say to the cherry pie? I really crust you.
The guy who invented throat lozenges died last week.
There was no coffin at the funeral.
How do you make a duck sing soul music?
Put him in the microwave until his Bill Withers
“People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends I need a Ouija board.”
Betty White
"It isn't good to keep things bottled up."
After buying grocers, I sat on the San Francisco pier and pondered life. My laundry detergent tipped over...
Now I’m sittin on the dock of a bay, watching my Tide roll away.
How does one astronaut on the moon tell another astronaut that he is sorry?
He apollo-gises.
What did the vampire say to the vampire hunter that missed his heart.
Well wasnt that an unfortunate missed-stake.
Why do milking stools only have three legs? The cows keep the udder safe.
Why can't a Platypus be trusted on the radio?
Because they all have fowl mouths.
What’s a vampire’s favorite Shakespeare play?
A Midsummer Bite’s Dream.
What did one pyramid say to the other? Hey! Where's your mummy?
What did the pirate call his vegetable patch?
His garrrrgh-den.
Doofus was the stupidest of Roman generals.
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
"They say good things take time, so that’s why I’m always late."
"The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down." - T.S. Elliot
The Bible says to bring all our requests to God. I've prayed - and here you are.
What did one brain say to another?
I lobe you.
Took the family on a whitewater rafting trip, and first time we came to a sudden descent in the river, we lost everything...
That was just one of the downfalls!
Excuse me, is it you or my coffee that’s getting my heart rate up?
How do you know if there is a Brachiosaurus in bed with you? By the dinosnores.
"Reti or not, here I come!"
I painted my dog’s nails So he can look paw-ty.
"Jogging is very beneficial. It's good for your legs and your feet. It's also very good for the ground. It makes it feel needed."
Charles Schulz
A man meets a fairy.
"I grant you 2 wishes" , says the fairy.
"I want a bottle of beer that never gets empty" , says the man.
He starts to drink. After two minutes he stops drinking and the bottle is still full.
"And youre second wish?" the fairy asks.
"Another one of those."
What do you call a carnival worker who’s eating a turkey leg?
A carnie-vor.
"A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken."
- James Dent
There was an old lady from Ghent,
who slept on a bed of cement.
Her bed was well used,
and her body well bruised,
and the back of her head had a dent.
Hypochondriacs aren't OK
The refs kept calling interference, even though goalmouth incidents were in
de-crease.
How do you invite a dinosaur for lunch?
Tea, Rex?
What do you call a horse going down a waterslide?
Horseback sliding.
My sister thinks that she is so intelligent. She says onion is the only food which makes her cry. That is the reason why I threw a pineapple at her face.
Have you ever wondered which part of the flamingo has the most feathers? I found out once – turns out it’s the outside.
[Chicken] We’re serving this during the game, so you might call it a live ball fowl.
Why didn’t the skeleton feel like patching up his broken ribcage?
His heart wasn’t in it.
"It’s a funny thing about life, once you begin to take note of the things you are grateful for, you begin to lose sight of the things that you lack."
― Germany Kent
Why didn’t the skeleton scare the trick-or-treaters on Halloween?
He didn’t have the heart.
What stat do the Miami Dolphins lead every single year?
All Porpoise Yardage!
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
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