Q. Where do red, orange, yellow, green, blue and violet crayons like to go hiking?
A. Colorado.
What do you call an owl dressed in armor?
A knight owl.
What does a deer say when it prays to the god?
“Deer God!”
When the History teachers wanted to help out students who were failing the subject privately, they put up a poster on the school bulletin boards that said, "Need Tudoring?"
“Education cost money. But then again so does ignorance.” – Sir Claus Moser
"Your diet is a bank account. Good food choices are good investments."
— Bethenny Frankel
What did the Apple say to the lemon & lime when he found out they were correct?
Yeah, I guess you’re Sprite
Have you heard about the new band located in the north east of england?
They're called Durham Durham.
A cow usually prefers to eat moo-sli for breakfast.
I gave my wife that new gorilla glue chapstick...🦍💄
It left her speechless
“The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He’s got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
Q: Which U.S. state do tigers like the most?
A: Maine.
I bet you sound like a Tasmanian Devil in bed.
There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He dance hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
That lively Old Person of Ischia.
I'm sorry did you say you drove the ski-doo, what's your ring size?
Why is England the wettest country? Because the queen has reigned there for years!
I always feel like a winner in France, which is great because I hate Toulouse.
“Mondays are mundane, like Tuesdays minus 24 hours.”
— Jarod Kintz
What Welsh cheese must you always eat with caution? Caerphilly
"How can people my age plan spontaneous trips to Thailand, I can barely afford a spontaneous soft pretzel."
What do you call a seamstress that snuck aboard a ship?
A sew-away!
What did the queen bee say to the naughty bee? Beehive yourself.
The soup that she cooks is so thick that the kitchen would go around when she stirs it.
How are a car and a bicycle similar?
“You can’t make watermelon juice out of either of them.”
"Granddad's Got Hair"
Granddad's got hair on his fingers,
Hair on his toes,
Hair in his ears,
Hair up his nose.
His chest has got more hair than a coarse front door mat.
His back has got more hair than next door's tom cat.
Granddad's head is silky and smooth,
Not a solitary bristle.
Smooth as a baby's bum,
Clean as a whistle.
Some say a snooker ball has got more hair,
But his beard hides a smile that says, "I just don't care."
– Graham Craven
"I can't wait to start blaming my normal lack of productivity on it being summer"
What do you get if you cross a four-leaf clover with poison ivy?
A rash of good luck.
“Feliz navi-dog!”
Why did the skeleton have a broken heart?
His Boney lay over the ocean.
“There is nowhere morning does not go.”
– Leah Hager Cohen
“Let a man walk ten miles steadily on a hot summer’s day along a dusty English road, and he will soon discover why beer was invented.”
- Gilbert K. Chesterton
I don't use shampoo when I wash my hair.
I'm a man - I use real poo.
Why does NASA give astronauts pencils to use in space?
Because they've got the Write Stuff.
Visitors are Doolin over these gorgeous views.
If a wine connoisseur is called a sommelier then a perfume connoisseur should be called a smellier.
What keeps ghouls happy?
The knowledge that every shroud has a silver lining!
What did the man say after spending hours skiing?
"I'm starving, can I avalanche?"
What part of a flamingo has the most feathers?
The outside.
What does a deer call her boyfriend?
Cari-boo.
What do you call a spiders child?
An arach-kid.
If you let me, I will chase you like a cheetah.
What is a car’s favourite band?
Van Halen.
Want to hear something that’ll make you smile?
Your face muscles.
What do you call a dinosaur that eats it's vegetables? A.brocileasoarus
Where do sperm play football?
In a con-dome.
Did you hear about the zombie after-school club?
It's dead in that place.
My glasses may be fogged up, but don’t worry I’ll be fine.
I’m optimistic!
What streets do ghosts haunt? Dead ends!
What's a dragon's favorite snack?
Fire Crackers!
I was mad on the toilet this morning since I was running late, and I thought to myself...
I don’t have time for this crap!
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