Don't send our invitations to a viking themed wedding until the date is set in stone
Or they'll be runed
Why don't skeletons ski the black diamond runs at Copper Mountain?
They've got soul, but they just don't have the heart for it.
I would totally carve your pumpkin.
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard your blood will bleed.
Do you like short love affairs? I hate them - I've got all weekend.
Is that a candy cane in your pocket, or are you just struggling to contain your excite-mint?
Salty but sweet.
Who's Denmark's greatest Zombie actor?
Rigor Mortissen
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!
I’m sick of martial arts.
I have kung flu.
Are we going to do some gravity experiments? Okay, let’s test how fast I would free fall for you.
My son asked me how often planes crash
Usually just once
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
French onion soup.
Your Ph factor must be 14 because you’re the most basic need in my life right now.
Our love started with a Hershey’s Kiss.
My wife asked me to pass her lip balm.
I gave her superglue instead.
She's still not talking to me.
My deaf girlfriend just told me, “We need to talk.”
That is not a good sign.
I now pronounce you husband and wifi
You may kiss the bride goodbye.
Accidentally I spilt some tomato ketchup in my eye.
In Heinze sight, it was my mistake.
Are you a 30 degree angle? Because you're acute-y.
A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on Saturday and is going to do on Monday. -- Thomas Ybarra
What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.
The last one to the top of the mountain has to buy dinner.
I want to tell you one more painful phone pun but I decided it's uncalled for.
Why couldn’t the dog say, “Ahhh”?
Because the cat got his tongue.
You are my raisin to smile.
I sent back the soup served to me at the restaurant. It was not of soup-reme quality.
Where do werewolves store their things?
In a were-house.
Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.
What kind of dishes do skeletons serve tea on?
Bone china.
What do you call it when dress up like a cowboy?
Ranch dressing
There once was a Halloween party
All of the costumes there were naughty
I tried to be cute
Wearing my birthday suit
And won the prize for costume most gaudy.
The highlight of the year for dear old Dad
Was Halloween when treats were to be had
His modus operandi
Son you collect the candy
Snickers for me - licorice for you lad.
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
The hiker hated the top of the mountain because it was all downhill from there!
During World War 2, sending food to the troops was a challenge. Researchers had to concentrate to figure out how to send orange juice.
Hey, can I borrow your water filter? Cause you’ve got me thinking impure thoughts.
Spent the whole day running around dressed as a zombie. I’m dead on my feet.
Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.
What do teenage deer do at slumber parties?
Truth or deer.
"I’m staying home today. I have mood poisoning."
Roses are red, violets are blue, I ain't no poet, but neither are you.
When you're crying, nobody notices your tears.
When you're worried, nobody feels your pain.
When you're happy, nobody sees your smile.
But fart just one time...
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery." ~ Spike Milligan
That’s a beautiful dog. Does she have a phone number?
What is worse than when it is raining buckets?
Hailing taxis.
Why was John always at the casino? He’s addicted to gambling.
“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying.”
Woody Allen
Why do trees have to drink responsibly? Otherwise, they become a bunch of trunk idiots.
The glass eyeball manufacturer is having a promotion
An eye for an eye.
If you're stressed, try ironing clothes.
It's a great way to let off some steam.
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