How many birds can cross the road?
Toucan.

I value my breath so it would be nice if you didn't take it away every time you walked past.

Why did the wolf take so long to cross the road?
It was pretending to be a snail.

When my great-grandad went bald, he built a machine to weave himself a wig out of yarn. He then gave it to my grandad, who then gave it to my dad - and one day, it will be mine.
It’s our family hair loom.

“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen

“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?”

- Robert Brault.

What is known as the world's wettest animal? Rain-deer.

Cherry pie will set you back 10 dollars in Antigua, but 15 in Barbados. Yes, those are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

What does a caped monkey superhero drive?
A banana-mobile.

How much does a polar bear weigh? Less than you, I would guess.

May the mass times acceleration be with you.

Your love will always be up to par.

Why did the skeleton start a fight?
He had a bone to pick.

On the 7th day, God rested … and Chuck Norris took over.

Cooking always puts my wife in a bad mood...
She beats the eggs and whips the cream.

I've been called a dirty player but lets just see how dirty we can get tonight.

Why is Frankenstein always asking for help?
He’s looking for someone to give him a hand.

When in France, I have Nantes-thing to complain about.

Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject.
Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.

For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.

Up for some action? I can finish with one touch.

What was the most famous bat comedy team?
Ab-bat and Costello.

For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.

Which barnyard animal is a famous painter?
Vincent Van Goat

What do you call a kangaroo that’s exhausted from trespassing?
Out of bounds.

Four Battered In Fish And Chip Shop

An arrogant gazelle walks up to a bunch of lions and tells them how much better he is than them.
He was consumed by pride.

A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital. He was on a fairway to heaven.

I heard milk does the body good, but man, how much have you been drinking?

I sit in front if my ex in physics.
There used to be a lot of friction between us.

My real costume is at home in a box under my bed.

“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
— George Carlin

A little less fight and a little more spark, close your mouth and open your heart.

I sat on some peas in the car. It was a bumpea ride.

What did the pig say to his friend who had been cheated upon?
Please don't go bacon this relationship.

"Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory"- Albert Schweitzer

The theoretic turtle started out to see the toad;
He came to a stop at a liberty-pole in the middle of the road.
“Now how, in the name of the spouting whale,” the indignant turtle cried,
“Can I climb this perpendicular cliff, and get on the other side?
If I only could make a big balloon, I’d lightly over it fly;
Or a very long ladder might reach the top, though it does look fearfully high.
If a beaver were in my place, he’d gnaw a passage through with his teeth;
I can’t do that, but I can dig a tunnel and pass beneath.”
He was digging his tunnel, with might and main, when a dog looked down at the hole.
“The easiest way, my friend,” said he, “is to walk around the pole.”

(Amos Russel Wells)

Is your name Succinylcholine? Because you’re paralyzing.

What type of mushrooms can you put on a jacket? Button mushrooms.

Why did the hunter miss his mark?
He was not aiming deerectly for it.

Hey baby, remember how you said that you can’t live without me? Well, it’s time to get your affairs in order….

Please stop making jokes about little people
How would you feel if a bunch of giants made jokes about you?

If you ever own a koala as a pet, make sure you can keep track of it by putting a koalar around its neck.

You should give me your number..who knows, I Michael you later…

What did the ghost do at the red light? He came to a dead stop.

I always find artists romantic because when they love you, they do it with all their art.

Why is it cheap to feed polar bears?
Because they live on ice only.

Eggs are going up again.
That'll surprise a few chickens.

Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.

Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?

“Parenthood…it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.”

- Peter Krause.