What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.
A blond rings up an airline.
She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?"
The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..."
The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.
An extremely slim model, Miss Slater,
Was attacked by a croc and it ate 'er.
Said her trainer, Tough deal,
What a horrible meal,
We should throw it some greens and potater.
"I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living. It's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities." - Dr. Seuss
I asked the older woman at work what she is doing for Valentine’s Day and she said that she was taking her husband to the Cardiologist. The heart wants what the heart wants.
Why do penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they don’t have any pockets!
Why should you never mention the number 288?
Because it’s two gross.
What do you call a nervous witch?
A twitch.
What was the Peach's favorite surf band from the 60's? The Peach Boys.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ice cream!
Ice cream who?
Ice cream if you don't let me in!
The great Greek grape growers grow great Greek grapes.
"If you want to know how old a woman is then ask her sister-in-law." - Edgar Howe
Did you hear that Notre Dame gave up four interceptions last week?
Knute Rockne would turnover in his grave!
That dress would look great on my bedroom floor!
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
Why did the shark spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny.
What do you call a man with no body and just a nose? Nobody nose.
When strawberries, blueberries or blackberries meet another berry they like and want to get married who do they go see?
The marionberry
An immature pineapple is often worse than a mature currant.
I know you're busy today, but can you add me to your to-do list?
Why was the book of incantations useless?
Because the author failed to do a spell-check.
What did the Mountain lion say to the bathroom attendant?
Out of the way, I’m about to Puma pants!
What vegetable isnt allowed on cruise ships?
Leeks.
Dad jokes are like Corona.
Everybody gets It but not everyone can laugh about It.
Honey, you’re a slam dunk!
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
What kind of car does an otter drive? A Furrari.
Why are volcanos so nice?
They lava you.
What is a sharks favorite kinda sandwich?
Peanut butter and jellyfish!
I was souper excited to hear some soup puns for the comic chef - but his performance did not excite miso much.
What do you get if you cross a skunk with a bear?
Winnie the PU!
How about we skip the hors d oeuvres and head straight for the digestif?
“The only exercise I’ve done this month is running out of money"
The ref keeps shafting us the offsides; I think he's blue lyin'.
What do snakes do when they get angry?
They throw hissy fits.
What do you call an anthropomorphic animal blended in ice cream?
A McFurry
What did the bear say when her date showed up too early?
I’ll be out in a minute, I’m bearly dressed.
I like playing chess with old people in the park, but it gets hard to find 32 of them each time.
What do you call a Koala that can pick up an elephant ? Sir!
There was a minimum of cinnamon in the aluminium pan.
Q. What did the witch get when she crossed a doe with a tornado?
A. A whirling deer-vish.
What do a bowling ball and a blonde have in common?
Chances are both will end up in the gutter.
What month always asks questions and permission?
May!
How did the serve know when the bad serve was not with the hand? The server knew it was the foot fault.
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
I love you berry much.
I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 or 500 in Roman numerals.
I M L I VI D
Two Pharaohs are looking for a Sarcophagus...
they walk up to the sarcophagus salesman and the first Pharaoh says "We are looking for the cheapest sarcophagus you have for sale." The salesman asks "you're not looking for a fancy one?"
The second Pharaoh says "no, we are just trying to get our mummy's worth."
What do you say when you find the perfect font?
You’re just my type!
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
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