Hey, are you Oscar? Because I really want to win you...
Why couldn't the leopard play hide and seek?
Because he was always spotted.
Can you tell me what type of weeping tree this is? Yes, but you willow me one later.
Chuck Norris doesn't pet any animals. Animals pet themselves when he approaches them.
Look Honey, a cactus!
I haven't seen that many pricks in one place since your family was in for Thanksgiving!
What is a good pick-up line an axon terminal can use on a dendrite?
"Let's connect."
What did the weather reporter say to his wife?
“I hope it doesn’t rain, deer!”
Easter is grammatically incorrect.
We should say more east.
I'm the pun King of Halloween.
I slapped my violin out of anger, then I got arrested for domestic violins.
“Winter blues are cured every time with a potato gratin paired with a roast chicken.”
– Alexandra Guarnaschelli
Are you from another world? You look like my love from another star.
An inspirational speaker came to speak at the fruit stand today. He told us to peach for the stars.
A blonde walked into the dentist office and sat down in a chair.
The dentist said "Open Wide" "I can't" The blonde said. "This chair has arms"
[Donuts] We’re going the hole nine yards for this game.
"Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too." – Lionel Kauffman
Which cow has great pickup lines? A cow which is smooth as milk.
Why do they give men Viagra in the old folks home?
To keep them from rolling out of bed.
You know you’re getting old when…
You need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake.
Went to church on Halloween
Turned out to be a blessing in disguise
Why don't squirrels wear skinny jeans?
Because their nuts won't fit.
How do you get a mouse to smile? Say cheese!
My town always holds a contest to see which beer drinker's belly is biggest by seeing how far it goes past a line...
That's the paunch-line.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Etch.
Etch who?
Bless you.
A kitchen sink that treats you right?
That's a Farrah Fawcett.
How does bread woo a lover?
With lots of flours.
The guy who invented Systane had his funeral today.
There wasn't a dry eye in the house.
Hey Audrey, Audreyly like to take you out
“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.'”
Claude Pepper
I taught a dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground.
We went from Barking to Tooting in 20 minutes!
Q. Which kind of ape enjoys smoking tobaco?
A. Cigarilla.
What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat? 'Here Kitty, kitty, kitty'!
I've finally started to believe that Pluto is not really a planet...
Especially when I saw him in a cartoon.
My Haloween costume would have been perfect if my hair agreed with me. Guess I’m just having a bad scare day.
Went camping last night. It was in-tents.
Q: How do you stop an angry tiger from charging?
A: Take away his credit cards.
Bee warned.
Bee puns really sting.
I would flirt with you, but I'd rather seduce you with my awkwardness From a distance.
What do you call a hairy monster that lives by a dam?
A weir-wolf.
What does a biologist wear when they're going out?
Designer genes.
Where can you find the best nuts in London? Nut-tinghill.
"Some people would fall in or out of love with you if you lose or gain a few kilos."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
I’m saving money for bushes to plant around the yard when my career is over...
It’s my retirement hedge fund.
What kind of shorts do clouds wear? Thunderwear!
Why are oranges the smartest fruit?
Because they are made to concentrate.
What do you call a nervous baby ant?
A little antsy.
When my daughter said she saw some chubby unicorns at the zoo, I couldn’t believe it. But it turns out it was just rhinos.
“I don’t like to commit myself about heaven and hell — you see, I have friends in both places."
— Mark Twain
I was gonna walk barefoot through the yard.
But that would cause an ecological crisis.
“Morning will come, it has no choice.”
— Marty Rubin
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