Pizza: the only time top-less isn't fun
How did the cowboy greet the equestrian?
Howdy Neigh-bor.
What should you drink before you workout? Sweat-Tea.
Hey, I think I could rock your world if you Dave me a chance…
Why do skeletons hate the cold?
It sends chills up their spine.
“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.”
—P. J. O’Rourke
Would you mind loaning me a quarter? I want to call my mother and tell her I just met the woman of my dreams.
What did the blind man say after being handed a cheese grater? "That's the most violent book I've ever read."
What happened when the cargo ship full of books sank?
It caused a title wave!
The peach was late for work because it had to make some pit stops on the way.
“I’m getting used to wearing flip-flops everywhere. It’s a dangerous place to be. Next thing you know, I’m gonna show to a board meeting in sandals.”
John, you have so much po(tato)tential!
What has forty feet and sings?
The school choir.
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
It's so cold that trees are chopping themselves into firewood.
What do you call a polyarmourus deceased gorilla?
Harembe.
Did you hear about the circus fire? Yeah, it was in'tents'.
What is it called when a cowboy dies and comes back to life?
Reintarnation
My wife asked me to pass her lip balm.
I gave her superglue instead.
She's still not talking to me.
The ref better give me 2 for hooking, 'cause baby I'm hooked on you.
“My job is fun! I should change this line once in a while. My brain has started to realize that I am lying to it every morning."
~ Anonymous
The coddled superstar sat in the seats with the fans instead of on the bench
with the team; for this, ironically enough, he was accused of grandstanding!
How many times do I have to walk around you to make you fall for me?
Why didn’t one skeleton want to look at the other skeleton?
He didn’t have the stomach for it.
Djokovic to his friends the morning after winning the U.S. Open: Is anyone hungry for some Denny’s? Because I would like another Grand Slam.
I asked a vampire if I could borrow some money. He told me he needed to go to the blood bank.
How can you tell a train just went by? A. You can see it’s tracks!
If we raced, I would let you win, so I could get a good view from the back.
Knock knock
Who's there?
To.
To who?
Surely you mean to whom.
What do you call an Irish dancer having a heart attack?
Michael flatline.
Did you know vampires aren’t real?
Unless you Count Dracula.
The photographer mummy was done with his shoot. So he told his crew to wrap it up.
What is a good pick-up line an axon terminal can use on a dendrite?
"Let's connect."
Cooking always puts my wife in a bad mood...
She beats the eggs and whips the cream.
(Staring at boxes of cereal) I treat all boxes with respect.
What do you call a bat with ebola? African batman.
I'm going to start a hummus brand that comes in really difficult to open containers.
It's gonna be called 'hummus posta eat this'.
Is your mom a hooker? Cause I'm hooked on you.
What do crows read? Cawmics.
The poor werewolf was busy chasing his own tail. We were later told that he was trying to make ends meet.
Frankenstein’s monster was really worried one day.
“Pull yourself together”, said Frankenstein.
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
If you are ever babysitting a cherry, remember that their favorite cartoon is Tom And Cherry.
Are you in the on deck circle? Çause you're up next.
Are monsters good at math?
Not unless you Count Dracula.
When I went to highschool in Italy my classmates were one year older than me.
I Skipped pasta grade.
What did the boy bacon say to the girl bacon? Girl, you're bacon my heart melt.
What do you call a stolen yam? A hot potato.
Why can you never trust an artist? Because they are a bit sketchy, a little shady and will always try to frame you.
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
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