Should you plant flowers in any month besides April?
May as well!
I went to the zoo the other day and saw an alligator that will only eat finely chopped food.
It was an alligrator.
What do you get when you spice up date night? Netflix and Chilis.
A knife tried out for Varsity football.
It didn't make the cut.
What did one cell say to his sister cell when she stepped in his toe? Mitosis.
What do you give a dog with a fever? Mustard, its the best thing for a hot dog! What do you get when you cross a cat with a lemon? A sour puss!
How do beavers make a bouncy dam? Well, they use spring water.
I started sleeping on the left side of the bed
It just doesn't feel right.
In life, the rule of thumb is, don’t bite more than you can chew unless it is chocolate.
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
I am cocoa-nuts about you.
Today I learned that a giraffe’s neck is so strong a human can climb up it.
Also, I got banned from my local zoo.
5 years ago today I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend, and the most beautiful woman in the world to marry me.
All three said No!
You must be tired, because you’ve been running through my nightmares all night!
I’m not sure the best way to approach you..could you give me a Vivinsider tip?
Is it possible to scare a sasquatch out of your yard by tossing eggs at him?
Only if you eggs-terminate him.
I’ve just read that according to statistics, donkeys kill more people every year than sharks.
I better watch my ass.
My friend told me to come and meet you.
He said you're a really nice person. I think you know him.
Jesus, yeah that's his name.
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
Pilgrims.
What do you think is the name of the knight who unexpectedly turned up at the battle? His name is Sir Prize.
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.
You looking at me is making me turn as red as that roasted beet salad.
Why did the bicycle fall over?
Because it was too tired..
It’s crazy that Dubai doesn’t show The Flintstones on TV...
But Abu Dhabi Do!
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
How do you know that beer makes you smarter?
Because it made bud wiser.
My mixer broke down today. I'm very sad to part with it, I couldn't have whisked for a better friend.
There’s an old oak near my house that’s always surrounded by fog.
I don’t know why, it’s a mist tree.
What family does Maiasaur belong to? I don't think any families in our neighborhood have one!
Happy Valentine's day.
Such a Lovely day.
Why do Dachshunds nap in the sun?
Because they’re hot dogs.
I just want to take you out to brunch and shower you with quiches.
What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree? Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!
"You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks." - Joel Plaskett
Q: What’s red and goes up and down, up and down?
A: A cherry in a lift.
What do you get if you cross a grizzly bear and a harp?
A bear-faced lyre.
What do you call money that grows on trees? Marijuana
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
What did the trees wear when they went to a pool party? Swimming trunks.
My mum makes the best soups. She is a real soup-erstar.
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
Why do donuts make terrible teachers?
They’re always glazing over the important stuff.
You’re all I’m Luca-ing for and more
Did you hear about the giant who threw up?
It's all over town!
How can you tell if a tree is older than your mother?
It'll be covered in grandmoss.
Are you from Canada? Because if you're wondering if you can go out on a date with me, well, you CAN–UH-DUH!
How did the avocado feel after a day at the gym?
Hard core.
What were cooking shows in ancient Egypt called:
Wok like an Egyptian.
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