Dad: “Son, your mother and I are thinking about moving to a square island.”
Son: “Wow really? Can I come too?”
Dad: “Four shore!”
"Children are a great comfort in your old age, and they help you reach it faster, too." – Lionel Kauffman
Do you wear contacts?! (she says no...) Because your eyes are just so beautiful!
The weatherman said it might get a bit drizzly outside.
You can expect a Lil’ Wayne.
What should someone do if they are stuck between a jaguar and a tiger? Simple, just take the Jaguar and drive away from the tiger.
What do you call a liquid kangaroo?
Marsoupial.
Why was the mosquito sad on christmas?
It was a bah hum bug.
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
What does a pirate pay for his corn?
A buccaneer!
There was on Old Man of the Isles,
Whose face was pervaded with smiles;
He sung high dum diddle,
And played on the fiddle,
That amiable Man of the Isles.
My lenses turn dark in the sunshine of your love.
"I just want some peach and quiet!," said the orange.
I’ve hunted near, I’ve hunted far
I even looked inside my car.
I’ve lost my glasses, I’m in need,
To have them now so I can read.
I loudly swear and I curse
Did I leave them in my purse?
Are they behind the sofa, under the bed?
Oh there they are – on my head!
(Anne Scott)
Deja brew all over again.
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
What happens when a duck flies upside down?
It quacks up.
I tried to make it to the end of the rainbow but didn't due to lilac of effort.
I am reading a horror story in Braille.
Someone is going die, I can feel it.
A friend went in to his garden, dug a hole in the grass and filled it with water. I think he meant well.
What do bread kids say during hide-and-seek?
Bready or not, here I crumb!
Q. Where can you view sculptures and paintings created by deer?
A. At the art moose-seum.
I went to shop for a toaster. The sailsman showed me all the fancy features.
I said "wow, that's cool!"
And he replied, "Sorry ma'am,it can only warm"
If I could rearrange the alphabet I’d move U.
Because you’re blocking the TV.
What song do tornados like?
“The Twist.”
Did you hear that? They're playing our future song on the speakers!
The hotel said NO DOGS ALLOWED.
I guess it was a little too paw-sh.
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
Ron White
Poo jokes...
Are funny sh**.
What kind of birthday cake do they serve in heaven?
Angel food cake.
I gaze at you in awe,
Your beauty leaves me speechless,
I long for your touch,
And I yearn for your kiss.
I can wait no longer,
I can’t leave my heart on the shelf,
Oh whoops, I’m sorry,
I forgot to introduce myself!
While browsing the bookshop, I stuck a sheet of A4 paper to my wife's spine.
She said she wanted a paperback for her birthday.
Why did Princess Leia lose all her friends and family?
She got involved with Alderaan people.
When the well-read bird decided to open a restaurant, he named it Red Robin.
What do chic evergreens wear for cruelty-free fashion? Faux fir.
The artist successfully climbed the highest peak in the country. He attributed his success to the song, 'Paint No Mountain Higher!'
Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.
What do you get if you cross a Triceratops with a kangaroo ? A Tricera-hops!
You know those silly hacker movies where they're hacking so hard they type on two keyboards at once?
Such blatant stereo-typing
My English teacher told us to write about the history of our life. However, I hate writing, so I used AI to write it for me.
I guess you can say it's an auto-biography.
Why did the manager hire the marsupial? Because he was koala-fied.
What kind of donuts can fly?
The plain ones.
“The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He’s got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
What should be the name of the knight who the King has appointed to carry a census of the land? He goes by the name Sir Vey.
Why did the blind seal get eaten by the orca?
Because he couldn’t see that whale.
Why did E come out of the bathroom U?
He must've had a vowel movement.
Why did the house go to the doctor?
It was having window panes.
What did the baby corn call his dad?
Pop corn!
How does a rude princess sit on a horse?
Snide-saddle.
Why did the robber take a bath? Because he wanted to make a clean getaway.
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