I tried giving my cat a bath and it sucked...
I couldn't get the fur off my tongue for a week.
Steve Martin
The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.
Where was the first donut cooked?
In Greece.
My daughter told me COVID stinks and she misses her teacher...
I told her "I Ms. your teacher too."
What is a car’s favourite film?
Taxi.
Distance equals velocity times time, or we could just simply race to the finish line.
A guy walks into a bar carrying a pair of jumper cables and sets them down on the bar.
The bartender said: "Now don't you start anything!"
What kind of flowers bloom on your face? Tulips!
It’s amazing how most jars look alike...
The resemblance is uncanny
I love taking pictures of myself next to boiling kettles.
My friend reckons I have selfie steam issues
Luca here, I’m just going to cut to the chase and ask if you want to get a drink with me
Where do pepperonis go on vacation?
The Leaning Tower of Pizza.
What did one Emperor Penguin say to the other?
Nothing, he just gave him the cold shoulder.
How does Mr. Bean introduce himself in Spain?
Soy Bean.
Vampires love cookies too, they love No-stake cookies.
My mother is so fastidious that she eats her alphabet soup in the alphabetical order.
Are you religious?
Because you're the answer to all my prayers.
What do you call two guys with no arms and no legs and hang on the wall?
Curt 'n Rod.
It's always a first class trip with me.
What happened when the semi-colon broke grammar laws?
He was given two consecutive sentences.
Why should you live a pineapple life? Because Life is sweet.
“How do the elves clean Santa’s sleigh on the day after Christmas? They use Santa-tizer!”
“The secret source of humor itself is not joy, but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.”
Mark Twain
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Roach.
Roach who?
Roach you a letter, did you get it?
"I would make a skeleton joke, but you wouldn't find it very
humerus."
What’s an orange’s favourite animal? An orange-utan.
"Americans will eat garbage provided you sprinkle it liberally with ketchup."
— Henry James
Did you guys hear about the airplane that dressed up for Halloween?
It was in disguise.
If you get married out on sea or in a boat...
is that a row-mance?
Couple of friends have decided to put theatre style seats in their house. It will end in tiers.
"Everybody makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when no one is looking."
~ Anonymous
When do chickens go to bed?
Half past hen!
What do you get when a dinosaur sneezes? Out of the way!
If I had a dime for every time I heard this joke, I’d have a dime. Never heard this one before!
Why did the pineapple’s phone die? It needed juice.
What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?
Attempted Hummus-ide.
What did the crow said when it saw a car coming? Cawr.
What did the baby cloud say to its mum when it rained? Sorry, mum, I couldn't hold it any longer.
Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
In the big inning. Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?” — J. Paul Getty
"Family Vacation (n.) A time for you to remember why your family never spends any time together."
This pizza party is the perfect topping to a great summer.
What is a wolf’s favorite time of the year?
The howl-o-days.
Baby, you must be a broom, cause you just swept me off my feet
I had gradient expectations on him of being a good artist, but it was all in vain!
"The income tax created more criminals than any other single act of government."
- Barry Goldwater
I felt so guilty after I stepped on a snail this morning. You should of seen him, he looked genuinely crushed.
What do you call a Smart TV?
In-telly-gent.
What kind of seal do you get on letters from Turkey?
A stamped bull.
I just had a near-se* experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.
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