The paper my student wrote on Tsar Ivan was so bad, it was tearable.
Hi, I’m writing a phone book, can I have your number?
Why did the zebra cross the road?
Because it was a zebra crossing.
I've been searching for three years for my mother-in-law's killer... but apparently no one will do it.
Will glass coffins ever become popular?
This remains to be seen.
What is a tree’s favorite geometry shape? The treeangle.
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”—Erma Bombeck
What do you call it when a marsupial tricks you?
A kanga-ruse.
If Russia attacked Turkey from behind do you think Greece would help?
What did one plate say to the other? Dinners on me
There was an Old Man who said, 'Well!
Will nobody answer this bell?
I have pulled day and night,
Till my hair has grown white,
But nobody answers this bell!'
Dad, do you like baked apples? Yes son, why? The orchard's on fire.
What’s it like to be kissed by a vampire?
It’s a pain in the neck.
He used to be a doctor but he lost his patience.
St. Patrick’s is all about the pursuit of hoppiness!
What does a nosey pepper do?
Gets jalapeno business!
“Grandmas don’t just say “that’s nice”—they reel back and roll their eyes and throw up their hands and smile. You get your money’s worth out of grandmas.”—Unknown
Wow Adrian, is that a typo in your name? Because I swear you’re A-Dream.
'You're beautiful and I love you," I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied "I just want to be friends."
Albert Einstein, Blaise Pascal, and Isaac Newton decided to play a game of hide and seek.
Einstein covers his eyes and starts counting.
Pascal runs off to hide but Newton takes a chalk and marks a 1m×1m square on the floor and stands in it.
"Ready or not, here I come!" Einstein exclaims while he opens his eyes. He sees Newton standing out in the open and says "Haha, I found you Newton!"
Newton replies "No, you found Pascal."
Looking for a boyfriend in engineering: the odds are good, but the goods are odd.
What do you get when you cross a Tambourine with a Submarine?
The Salvation Navy
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single.” – Billy Crystal
You have two cows, but only milk one. Your friend asks you…
"What about the udder one?"
My frinds call me Legato, since I'm so smooth
Let’s kick off shall we? I just hope that my unicorn puns won’t be too corny for you.
If an adult is called a unicorn, are its young one’s called puny-corns?
What did Van Gogh name the ear he didn't cut off?
Van Stay.
Hey baby are you American cheese because you come as a single now.
Lady, you mak me All Shook Up and wake my Animal Instinct
"Imagine being on a plane and NOT eating every item presented to you as if you will never again have ready access to food in your life."
- Jia Tolentino
I felt like telling you the joke about a strawberry jam on a piece of bread, but I won't. You might go around spreading it.
How can you tell that the ocean is friendly? It waves!
Why is it so tough to become a real estate attorney?
You always have to deal with battles of wills.
Why did the volleyball player get thrown out of the party? He spiked the punch.
Where does a zombie get a spare body part
Second hand.
Got emotional hearing about the role of tectonic plates in earthquakes. It was really moving.
What did the penguin say after he went shopping?
Put it on my bill.
“Apologizing in advance for the things I say this winter.”
I feel like I have seen that ghost before...I must have deja boo.
Baby, the Millennium Falcon isn't the only thing that does it in less than 12 parsecs.
here was a dog owner named Mark
Whose beagle would constantly bark
The neighbours would moan
They’d steal Benji’s bone
And toss it away in the park.
What do dogs increase?
The pup-ulation.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I want to order pizza,
And watch Netflix with you.
Why do vampires seem sick?
They’re always coffin.
What do you call an extremely disgusting unicorn that no one likes? An eeeww-nicorn.
What is a cat’s favorite book? The Princess and the Paw-per.
Did you get lost on your run? Because heaven is a long way from here.
“Leaders who don’t listen will eventually be surrounded by people who have nothing to say.” – Andy Stanley
Dad: How does a farmer keep his cows in line?
Kids: How?
Dad: He keeps them a-cow-ntable!
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