Why did the dog go to the bank?
To make a de-paws-it. But unfortunately, there was a mastiff line.
What do you get if you cross a pig with a dinosaur ? Jurassic Pork!
Dear Dog
You cower and hide
As I fill up the tub
Yet when I go outside
And turn on the hose
You follow me gladly
For a spray up the nose
Irish you a happy St. Patrick’s Day!
Blue and green stopped fighting because they had agreed on peace teal.
Have you heard of the hair stylist that refuses to cut hair?
If she won't cut hair to earn a living, she'll certainly dye.
Q: What do trains do at Egyptian train yard gates?
A: Toot-and-come-in.
“I love the early hours of the day. It’s a nice place to visit but I wouldn’t want to live there.”
— James Lileks
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
- Ray Romano.
All farts...are laughing gas.
How did the woman react when the doctor suggested she have a brain biopsy?
She gave him a piece of her mind.
“The tax collector must love poor people, he’s creating so many of them.”
– Bill Vaughan
If I were a cat, I'd spend all 9 lives with you
I got into a fight with a snail. It was a real slug-fest.
What do you call a large pile of cats? A meowntain!
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream”
– Bill Murray
Why did the vampire need mouthwash? Because he had bat breath.
What was the most flexible dinosaur? Tyrannosaurus Flex.
The main difference between a dog and a basketball player is that one dribbles while the other one drools.
“Every pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself.”
― Bill Murray
If we are both math majors, then why is there so much chemistry between us?
Hey girl, you make my heart flutter kick.
A chemistry lab is like a big party.
Some drop the acid while others drop the base.
The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
The surgeon was fired later that day.
Advice for those in,
a difficult position.
First, be flexible.
I got invited to a costume party, so I went as a turtle.
I had a shell of a time.
We're donion rings.
I do find that flamingos don’t plan very well for the future… They’re too prone to putting all their eggs in the one basket.
I have an Epi-Pen.
My friend gave it to me as he was dying.
It seemed very important to him that I have it.
My dad's nickname is lightning.
That way I can tell my friends I've been struck by lightning multiple times.
Most of your players never make it out of the lower-level tournaments. I highly doubt their Futures as a professional.
I was named after my dad
Because I couldn’t possibly have been named before him.
You are the best compression gear because you made my blood flow.
Why should you never share a bed with a pig? They hog all the covers.
What is it called when a gardener covertly listens to foliage falling in the fall?
Leaves-dropping.
"When I'm older looking back at all of my finest memories, and I'll think of the day my children were born, the day I got married, and the day that I met you."
Why did the mother cow give the sleepy baby cow a hammer?
He wanted her to hit the hay.
I’m browsing the winter-net.
There was a very cautious man
Who never laughed or played
He never risked, he never tried,
He never sang or prayed.
And when he one day passed away,
His insurance was denied,
For since he never really lived,
They claimed he never really died.
What’s it called when a bunch of pigs compete in athletic games?
The Olympigs.
Why wasn't the geologist hungry? He lost his apatite.
“I just wanna kick it in the woods with my birches.”
I went to a new kind of show yesterday, which was hosted by a color-changing lizard. He was a good stand-up chameleon.
What do you call fifty-five gnomes in the mouth of a kraken?
A good start.
The instructions on this stick deodorant said "remove cap and push up bottom"...
I can hardly walk!
Why do pigs go to New York City? To see the Big Apple.
Why did the cross-eyed teacher lose her job? Because she couldn't control her pupils?
What kind of makeup do zombies wear?
Mas-scare-a.
Can I just watch this Spotify ad? Cause I’d love 30 mins of uninterrupted time with you.
Asked my son what his favourite thing about Popeye was.
He said, "Forearms."
I said, "No, he only has two."
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