What would you call a steak that leaped off the table and ran away? Fast food, of course.
“Is it snowing where you are? All the world that I see from my tower is draped in white and the flakes are coming down as big as pop-corns.” — Jean Webster
What do deer always use to clean their homes?
Comet!
Dinosaurs represent our relationship, because they both don’t exist anymore.”
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
Readers do it between the covers (or alternately, readers do it between the sheets).
There was an Old Person of Hurst,
Who drank when he was not athirst;
When they said, 'You'll grw fatter,'
He answered, 'What matter?'
That globular Person of Hurst.
Not every legume can be a nut.
But a pea can.
My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.
I told her I would some flirty compliments.
"Taxes grow without rain."
- Jewish Proverb
Meat cutters are really no good at stand up comedy; they tend to butcher all the best jokes.
Why did the gorilla cross the road? He had to take care of some monkey business.
Why do blues musicians tour the most in the summer? So they can visit all their kids.
Are you a verb? Because you look a little tense, but I can put you in the mood.
How do the elves clean Santa's sleigh on the day after Christmas? They use Santa-tizer!
What do you call a militia of pigeons?
A coo.
“If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock.” — Claude McDonald
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
"Most people never run far enough on their first wind to find out they've got a second."
William James
What do you call a skeleton with a mask and a knife? A heartless killer.
Where's the weak spot on a Scottish goalie? The fief hole.
I like my girls how I like my Covid.
19 and easily spread.
What’s black, white and red all over?
A penguin with a sunburn.
I said some stubtly racist stuff to a magpie
She was a victim of my crow aggressions.
What is the wise gardener's mantra?
Weed 'Em and Reap!
It’s so cold we had to salt the hallway.
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
Q: What do you call a gust of wind that blows a tall guys onto a basketball court?
A: The NBA draft
Q. What did one artistic colored pencil say to another?
A. Bro, you are lookin' sharp today!
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.
Why did the man continue to eat whole peaches? Because he has a bottomless pit.
Accidentally I spilt some tomato ketchup in my eye.
In Heinze sight, it was my mistake.
What did the squirrel say when his tail got caught in the door?
...It won’t be long now!
What did the father squirrel tell his son?
Acorny joke.
You are pitcher perfect.
I went to the hospital for chest pains but the doctor kept inspecting my spine.
This place is back wards.
Dad: "Knock, knock!"
Kid: "Who's there?"
Dad: Spell!
Kid: Spell who?
Dad: W... H... O...
The best part of astrology is reading your daily horror-scope.
Blue and orange are always polite and amicable with each other because they are complementary colors.
Do you know what the common thing between a pineapple and a king is? Both of them wear a crown proudly on their top.
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
“To my mind, the only possible pet is a cow. Cows love you… They will listen to your problems and never ask a thing in return. They will be your friends forever. And when you get tired of them, you can kill and eat them. Perfect.”
Bill Bryson
I love having dinner in a local restaurant. It has a soup-erb speciality that mixes soup and herbs.
What did the beaver say to his girlfriend?
Chew make me feel warm and fuzzy on the inside.
I had a job drilling holes for water. It was well boring.
When Berry the dog dug up the woman's strawberry patch, she angrily exclaimed "That is the final straw, Berry."
“The only exercise I’ve done this month is running out of money"
“Nothing compares to the stomach ache you get from laughing with friends.”
— Unknown
Man: I can make your bed rock
Woman: No you can't I have a Tempurpedic.
There's a South American country where they have a rare pepper. Instead of being hot when you eat it, it makes your mouth feel cold.
It's called the Chilly Chile Chili.
Hey baby, you’ve captured my eye. Could I have it back?
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