"Did You Notice"

Did you notice I remembered to put the seat down?
And that I washed all the dishes last night?
Were you aware of how attentive I was,
When you came home in such a fright?
You may have noticed; I’m doing so well,
Listening to all the things you request.
I’m adapting myself and becoming a better man,
I even massage you when you are stressed.
Remember the day I took the trash out,
And wiped down the counter so well?
If you’ll recall I made breakfast in bed,
I’m trying so hard, can’t you tell?
And just in case you hadn’t noticed,
This poem is especially for you.
And if you don’t like it, my darling angel,
Well, sorry, there’s just nothing I can do.

What do you call a group of penniless Viking grave diggers?
The poor norsemen of the necropolis.

Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris.
After 5 days of extreme pain... the snake died.

"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has limits."
Anonymous

My girlfriend broke up with me because I quote too many Linkin Park songs.
But "in the end, it doesn't even matter".

At What Time Does A Duck Wake Up?
At the quack of dawn.

Why did the daddy rabbit go to the barber?
He had a lot of little hares.

"I don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do sit-ups."
Rita Rudner

My Dad said to me, "Son, I wanted you to know you were adopted."
I shouted, "You're kidding! Really?"
He said, "Yes. Get your things together, they're coming to pick you up in an hour."

Why were the utensils stuck together?
They were spooning.

What do you call a giant mushroom? Hu-fungus.

If Chuck Norris were to travel to an alternate dimension in which there was another Chuck Norris and they both fought, they would both win.

What do they say when you leave the cheese store?
Have a gouda day!

I couldn't chair less!

What is the name of the device that the king uses to control the moat around his castle? A remoat control.

Are you a dentist? Because my heart beats faster when I see you.

I can die happily now because I have just seen a piece of heaven.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.
The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond

“Yes”

“Oui”

“Si”

“Ja”

What do you call a Pharaoh who plays the trumpet? Tootin'khamun.

What do you call the ghost of a door-to-door salesman? A dead ringer.

Why are fisherman so stingy?
Their jobs make them sel-fish!

Did you hear about the werewolf who got invited to the dance?
He really wanted to go, but the upcoming full moon was giving him paws.

You're not allowed to eat teeth
It's for-bitten.

Have you ever been to a marketplace in Egypt?
It's quite bazaar

What did the little goats say when they were caught playing a prank on the sheep?
Sorry, we were just kidding.

What is batman’s favorite food (ans Just-ice)
Not much, just-ice.

Did you hear about the birds of prey on black Friday?
It was a free for owl.

"What are your thoughts on diving?"
"Well, I guess it's descent as a hobby."

There’s a girl on my art course who never does any original work, she copies everything.
We call her Tracey.

What do you call a skeleton who goes out in the snow?
A numb-skull.

What did one cactus say to the other cactus ?
"Lookin sharp !"

Why would a cow want to go to space? To see the Milky Way.

Oh wow sorry – I just got l’Austin your eyes.

Believe in your elf.

What does the queen bee of every hive tell their workers to do?
She tells them to bee productive.

This match sure has me feeling Victori-ous

What kind of tropical fruit wants to visit the moon?
A Coco-naut

I wanted make a joke about the ocean, but it's too deep

What do you get when you drink milk
A moostache

Why was the Copper Mountain skier taken to the emergency room?
He hurt his ski bum.

What do crows take for their gut issues? crow-biotics.

Shut up the shutters and sit in the shop.

Was your guacamole salad good?
Yes, it was avocado this world.

My wife made gluten free, carb free, salt free spaghetti last night
It was not real food, it was an impasta.

I can’t remember who it’s by, but you could have “It Started With A Hershey’s Kiss”.

Hey, let’s go out some time! Olly’ven pay for everything

4G, or not 4G, that is the question.

"Many so-called spiritual people, they overeat, drink too much, they smoke and don't exercise. But they do go to church every week and pray 'Please help my arthritis. Please help me bring up my strength, make me young again.'"

- Jack LaLanne

Did you hear about the elf that quit Santa's workshop?
He was a rebel without a Claus.

Sorry to interrupt with a bad pick up line, but if you were a vegetable, you'd be a cute-cumber.