I gave my toddler peas for the first time. He wasn't very hap-pea.
Cherry pie can be a bit aggressive. Rumor has it they go around saying, “Hey! You want a piece of me?”
Why was the bouncy castle so expensive? Due to the cost of inflation.
I don’t want an apple a day because I don’t want you to go away.
Wow Andrew, you seem cool an-drewly gorgeous
Unlike fairy tales, the stories of Egyptian mummies always goes from riches to rags.
Some say that puns aren't very funny, while others take them very seriously...
I guess the one thing we can all agree on is that puns are no joke.
How do you tell the difference between boys and girls?
Take their genes down.
Waiter, waiter, do you have frog legs?
No, I always walk this way.
What is a cat’s favorite game to play with a mouse? Catch!
The watermelon thief was charged with robbery with violence, but the judge later changed that to a minor felony; or melony as he put it.
Did you hear about the Italian chef with the terminal illness?
He pastaway. Now he’s just a pizza history.
If cheese were downloadable, then I'd try to throw my hard drive as far as possible.
What I'm saying is, I'd chuck e-cheese.
“My son is now an ‘entrepreneur.’ That’s what you’re called when you don’t have a job.” – Ted Turner
What do you call Jack-O-Lantern cousins who lift weights together?
Pump Kins
What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater!
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin
Big foot claims he saw Chuck Norris.
Why did the worker get fired from the orange juice factory?
“Lack of concentration.”
The ghost scared all the boys who ventured into the haunted house and then varnished into the almirah!
Did you hear about the limo driver who went 25 years without a customer? All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.
What do you call a nervous witch?
A twitch.
The winds of change started raining silver, copper, and gold coins.
They aren’t gnome for their humor.
Why did the principal bring Clam Chowder to school? For the Soup-erintendent.
I'm Havana dream about you.
Dark-colored huskies found in Colorado can also be termed as dusky huskies!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Robin.
Robin who?
Robin the piggy bank again.
[Chips] This is what I call a chip shot.
Why is it so hard for people with asthma to have exciting dates?
The last thing you want is someone to take your breath away!
What’s a bigamist?
It’s what Italians call a thick fog.
Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.
What do you call a owl dance party that only plays folk music?
A hootenanny.
How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it, and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.
This vacation has been sand-sational!
What’s the difference between a greyhound station and a lobster with a boob job?
One’s a crusty bus-station, the other’s a busty crustacean.
What did the computer say to the other after a 16 hour car ride?
"That was a hard drive."
"The politicians say 'we' can't afford a tax cut. Maybe we can't afford the politicians."
— Steve Forbes
"Wine a little, laugh a lot."
How about you and I form a binary system?
What happens when you keep reading geology jokes in your free time?
You know that you have really hit rock bottom.
“If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn’t lead anywhere.” – Frank A. Clark
I must be the sun, and you must be earth, cause the closer we get, the hotter you become.
How did Reese eat her ice cream? Witherspoon.
What happens when you buy a dog from the blacksmith?
When he gets home he’ll make a bolt for the door.
“I think a dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.”
- Mary Karr
Which language do oranges use to speak to each other? Mandarin.
A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.
"Private! I didn't see you at camouflage practice today!"
"Thank you sir!"
Got out of the shower, went downstairs and opened the door in my towel.
I know it’s a funny place to have a door, but there you have it.
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