How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
Did anybody ever consider that cannibalism would resolve both overpopulation – and world hunger?
You're like my drug - when I'm with you, I feel Absinthe-minded.
How do venomous snakes kill their prey?
In cold blood.
Hi. Do you remember me? Oh, that’s right—we’ve only met in my dreams.
Q: Why was the cloud so dark and stormy?
A: It was feeling mis-thunder-stood.
A protestor threw a bunch of spices on Jason "Pink" London, but all it did was leave him "Saged and Confused".
How did Gertie Gorilla win the beauty contest? She was the beast of the show!
"You're a real good egg."
We were all sturtled by the incoming news.
You know you are getting older when the candles don’t fit on the cake.
What do you call a skeleton who rings the doorbell?
A dead ringer.
Another cheese factory in France exploded...
I Camembert to hear this joke again!
"What's the the best thing about living in Switzerland?"
"I don't know, but the flag's a big plus."
What Do You Call A Cat That Swallows A Duck?
A duck-filled-fatty-pus
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend but he kept asking her for another shot.
Roses are red, Violet are blue. What would you do. If I fell in love with you?
Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? Ireland. It’s Dublin every day.
What kind of cheese is really good at guitar?
Shreddar.
Tigers are bad at basketball because they have only four feet.
I bought a new heater for my wife.
She didn't like it first, but now I think she's warmed up to it.
“Did you hear the forecast for Christmas Eve? They’re calling for rain, dear!”
Did you hear what happened when the decorator painted his wife with cheese? He double Gloucester!
I know a pea that's a famous singer. He's a VIP.
"You deserve better and so do I."
The ref keeps shafting us the offsides; I think he's blue lyin'.
A fly fell down out of nowhere on my wrist
It died on my watch.
Where did the bunny groom and bunny bride go after their wedding? On a bunnymoon.
Why did the boy eat his homework? Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake!
The other day I asked an Alaskan guy if he wanted to eat some seal meat.
He wasn’t really inuit
I know birthdays get worse as you get older. But look at the bright side — not too many left now.
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
"...a TOE TRUCK!!??"
“When I was 16 I worked in a pet store, and they fired me because . . . they had three snakes, and one day I braided them.” – Steven Alexander Wright
You must be a sustainably farmed mushroom because you’re really growing on me.
“Hello, Monday! May I ask you a question? Why are you always back so quickly? Don’t you have a hobby?”
Why did the daddy peach teach the child peach to shave? He was starting to grow peach fuzz.
Charles Dickens might have given you Great Expectations, but I can meet them.
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip?
To get to the same side.
What do you get if you cut off Mona Lisa's ears?
MONO LISA.
Why are kangaroos good at brewing beer?
They have hops.
What’s black and white and yellow?
A cowardly panda.
What do you call a snowman party?
A snowball.
I sit in front if my ex in physics.
There used to be a lot of friction between us.
It’s so hot the best parking place is determined by the shade instead of the distance.
Where did the kittens go on a school field trip? To the mewseum
If you were a tear drop, I would never cry for the fear of losing you.
According to the second law of thermodynamics, you're supposed to share your body heat with me.
Who's a witch's favorite movie director?
Steven Spellberg.
What do you call a girl watermelon cop on the beat? A water fe-melon duty.
It’s so cold fish were jumping out of the ice holes and straight into the frying pan.
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