You know what’s on the menu? ME-N-U
My drug test came back negative. My dealer sure has some explaining to do.
What did the fans say to the band named after a famous chickpea spread?
Hummus a tune.
Did you hear about the elusive skating watermelon thief? Not really, the only description they got was a Caucasian melon wheels.
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
Golfer: I’d move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.
Caddie: Try heaven. You’ve already moved most of the earth.
Why did the hipster drown?
He went ice Skating before it was cool.
A beaver told a joke about a waterfall. It was a pour joke.
How does the Skywalker family like their tea?
Lukewarm.
What did the river say when it saw beavers for the first time? “Well, I’ll be dammed.”
What happened when the werewolf swallowed a clock?
He got ticks.
Cutest clover in the patch.
Life is way better in sandals, and that's one opinion that I will never flip-flop on.
Where do crows type? Crows type on cawmputers.
Apple is announcing a new cell phone for children.
iKid you not.
Why did the squirrel ask for a pay raise?
He was paid peanuts.
Why should you be careful not to insult a crocodile?
It may come back to bite you in the butt.
I whale always love you.
What’s a shark’s favorite science fiction TV show?
Shark Trek.
The mummy couldn't finish his Halloween candies. Because he was stuffed.
There are so many jokes about a certain composer…
I could make you a Liszt.
Have you heard about these new corduroy pillow cases?
They're really making headlines.
What do you give to a sick lemon?
lemonaid.
In ancient Egypt, how did insects communicate?
Pharaoh moans
Round and round the rugged rock the ragged rascal ran.
Have you ever tried crossing a lion with a flamingo? It will be pink, that’s the mane thing.
How do you fix a broken brass instrument?
With a tuba glue.
Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?
What do you call a wet teddy bear?
A drizzly bear.
I just asked the wife to get into her nurse's uniform.
She said "Why? Are you feeling horny?"
"No we need bread!"
In the old times, the medieval kings and queens would only visit the dentist just before their coronation. This is because they wanted their teeth crowned!
"I don't eat lobsters, shrimp, or crawfish because I don't eat anything that looks like I should step on it."
— George Carlin
What would you call a dairy product that is horrible? “Udder bullshit.”
I like you very mulch. I think about you every daisy.
What food did the Gorilla order when he went to France?
Ape Suzettes.
People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.
A.A Milne
You are the HCl to my NaOH. With our sweet love, we could make an ocean together.
What brand of hand soap do telephone operators use? Dial.
I went to the zoo today....
only to find out that some aquatic mammals had escaped.
It was otter chaos.
I tried to play a bass guitar once.
It didn't make much sound, and it slipped out of my hands and swam away.
What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?
A candy baa.
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller
How was the snow globe feeling after the storm?
A little shaken
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Cantaloupe!
Cantaloupe who?
Cantaloupe to Vegas, our parents would get mad.
“There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
Ben Williams
The perfect description of a bowling game is one where there is plenty of room at the top, but no room to lie down.
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker
"I’m so old that my blood type is discontinued." - Bill Dane
Why are dragons such good story tellers?
Because they have long tails.
What is an owl’s dream occupation?
Flight attendant.
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