What did one angry werewolf say to the other?
- I have a bone to pick with you!

I’m going green, if you know what I mean.

How did the farmer mend his pants? With cabbage patches!

There was a Young Lady of Welling,
Whose praise all the world was a-telling;
She played on a harp,
And caught several carp,
That accomplished Young Lady of Welling.

“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
- Steve Martin

What do you call a dinosaur that drinks curry? A Mega-sore-arse.

“Anyone who can walk to the welfare office can walk to work."
~ Al Capp

What do you call the Earth when it is quaking?
Shakesphere.

What's green and sings? Elvis Parsley.

Pizza: the only time top-less isn't fun

It seems like you have the answer to my math problem. What are your digits?

I'm always really disappointed when I pull up to a yard sale...
And they aren't willing to sell me any of their yards.

What do you call a knight who wants to overthrow the King?
Sir Plant.

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges.

I'm reading a book about a sadistic evil man who attaches ridges from boat hulls to his victims.
He's a mad keeler.

I steal my eggs from my next door neighbor.
I prefer them poached.

I sold my cleaning equipment.
It was just collecting dust.

Q. What happened when the computer geeks met?
A. It was love at first site!

What do you call a joke that isn’t funny? A sentence.

Why don’t bats sleep like the rest of us?
They can't get the hang of it.

“If you don’t annoy your big sister for no good reason from time to time, she thinks you don’t love her anymore.”—Pearl Cleage

I'd let you Chataranga over me any day!

What do planets like to read?
Comet books.

Why do seals swim in salt water ?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze.

King Hero of old Syracuse had doubts that made him frown.
"Perhaps my goldsmith did not use pure gold to make the crown."
Since proof of mischief must be strong to put a thief in collar,
The king who feared his judgment wrong called on his science scholar.
"Archimedes, friend of old, find me the solution!
Is my crown pure solid gold, or is that an illusion?"
The scholar's task was serious; he struggled hard with math.
His mind was near delirious until he poured his bath.
He noticed how the water pushed him up as he stepped in.
He thought about it harder as he stroked his bearded chin.
"The weight of displaced liquid should always let me know
When any golden solid has a density too low!"
"Eureka!", he resounded. "I have such a clever mind".
Yet his claim was unfounded 'cause he left his clothes behind!

(by Robert Z)

Why is a giraffe’s neck so long?
Because its head is so far from its body.

What position did the young vampire bat play on the football team?
Quater-bat.

On Halloween night I will strut
Dressed like Jabba the Hut
Many sweets I will eat
As it is trick or treat
And double the size of my butt

“Life is like pocket money. You shouldn't spend it all in one place.”
― Julian Talbot

“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.”
George Burns

My name? It's Bond. Covalent Bond.

Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.

There once was a hunter named Frawley
Who lived in a shack, outside Raleigh.
His dog, funny but true,
Would only hunt honeydew.
The dog was a true melon collie.

(William Robinson)

A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian." The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"

Why did the Math teacher get a divorce?
He substituted his wife for an ex.

Boss: "How good are you at PowerPoint?"
Me: "I Excel at it."
Boss: "Was that a Microsoft Office pun?"
Me: "Word."

A lobster's favorite shot in tennis?
The lob.

Why do old artists never die? They just put things in perspective.

“I’m so poor I can’t even pay attention." ~Ron Kittle

Man: Do you think it was fate which brought us together?
Woman: Nah, it was plain bad luck!

How do you make sweet corn?
You whisper sweet nothings in its ear!

Baby, you're so sweet, you put Hershey's outta business.

A man is wanted for stealing tires off of cop cars.
Police are working tirelessly to catch him.

Did you hear that the list of famous vampires had a startling omission?
They forgot to Count Dracula!

Why do wookies love chocolate chip cookies? Because they are chewy.

Did you know that back in medieval times, soldiers would sleep with lanterns next to them so they could see if something happened.
They were called "Knight Lights"

No need to light a night-light on a light night like tonight.

“Did you hear the forecast for Christmas Eve? They’re calling for rain, dear!”

My wife asked me why I bought a pear tree.
I told her "what, you told me to grow a pear."

My friend Elmer’s has gotten really good at tennis ever since he stuck to a healthier diet and went glue-ten free.