You: It's dangerous for you to be here in the frozen food section. Because you could melt all this stuff.
What’s the difference between a horse and wet weather?
One reigns up and the other rains down.
The recipe said, “set the oven to 180 degrees”...
Now I can’t open the door because it faces the wall.
What do you call an amazing day up a mountain? A peak experience.
What do you call a nut who loves the game of chess?
A chess-nut.
I hate red eyes, but I would fly all night for you.
Why did the one legged clown leave the cheese circus? Because he couldn't get his stilton.
Why did the monster call his werewolf “Frost”?
Because frost bites!
Why does NASA give astronauts pencils to use in space?
Because they've got the Write Stuff.
What do you call a snowman in the summer?
A Puddle.
"I'm so egg-cited, I just can't hide it."
My love for you is like an exponential curve. It’s unbounded.
Electric razors are the best thing since sliced beard.
What do a mommy bee and a daddy bee make when they have alone time?
A babe-bee.
What do you call a dad joke about skeletons?
A skele-pun!
Your body must be made of oxygen and neon because you are the One.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
I would love to live in Yorkshire, because it Leeds me to your heart.
I'm from the Outback and I'd like to take you out back.
How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
What do you call an eye that can fly?
A real eye soar.
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry punsץ
So from today I'm detergent to be better.
Sleeping is so easy
I can do it with my eyes closed.
What is a ghoul's favorite soup?
Ghoul-ash.
Why do blondes take the pill? So they know what day of the week it is.
"I think you should embrace the change, son"
Said my father as he handed me a handful of coins.
What do you call a girl with an hourglass figure?
A complete waist of time.
A man has to go, but has no toilet paper. His friend says to wipe with a dollar. He comes back all dirty, so his friend asks "What is that horrible smell?". So the man says,
"Hard to wipe with 3 quarters, 2 dimes and a nickel"
This may be the wine talking, but I really, really, really, really love wine.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox
Its not the length of the vector that counts, its how you apply the force.
My family told me to stop telling Thanksgiving Day jokes.
I told them I couldn’t stop cold turkey
What happens when a closet goes into fighting?
It turns into a wardrobe.
You used to call me on my cell-ery phone.
Girl, you should not have covered your beautiful eyes behind those Versace sunglasses.
I was walking past the store today when I saw a sign saying, "All items one-third off."
So I bought a dozen eggs. Unfortunately four of them were rotten.
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
What do you get if you cross a squirrel with an elephant?
An animal that remembers where it hid its nuts.
I find my core strength in you.
I saw a sign above the urinal that read: "This is a urinal."
"No Sh**".
Mix a box of mixed biscuits with a boxed biscuit mixer.
If you are a fan of alphabet soup, then you might also know times new ramen.
I must be lost. I thought paradise was further south.
What did one nut say to the other nut when it was chasing it?
“I’m gonna cashew!”
It’s so hot chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs.
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
My grandpa left me a violin and an oil painting in his will.
When I took them to be valued, I was told that they were by Van Gogh and Stradivarius. Sadly they were worthless as Van Gogh was rubbish at making violins and Stradivarius was an awful painter.
Who is a beaver's most favorite pop singer ever? Justin Beaver.
The cabinet I made just collapsed and a bunch of books fell and hit me.
I’ve only got my shelf to blame.
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