"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
A stick.
Einstein developed a theory about space. And it was about time too.
That crazy little sun of a beach.
A Tibetan monk sees the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine.
He immediately raises his eyes to the heavens and exclaims "I can't believe it's not Buddha!"
"Month of May"
For all the diapers
that you changed,
For all the playdates
you arranged.
For all the trips
back and forth to school,
For cleaning all the spit up
and the drool.
Why is there only
one Mother's Day?
You should have at least gotten
the ENTIRE month of May.
Your skin is smoother than the finest panna cotta.
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
What would you call two banana skins? A pair of slippers!
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers
“Halloween” = an excuse for girls to dress up like sluts.
We’ve made a jig mistake, don’t you a-green?
Why was the man with a beard in pain?
Because he had a must ache.
Which cow has great pickup lines? A cow which is smooth as milk.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
Autocorrect has become my worst enema.
Do you run track? Because you are running laps around my heart.
Are you a Pepsi? Because you're so-da-licious!
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Toml
Why did the Koala cross the road? To prove to the possum that it could be done!
Why did the ancient Egyptians used to bury their Pharaohs in several layers of coffin? It was called multicasking.
How did Benjamin Franklin feel when he discovered electricity?
Shocked!
The football won’t be the only thing spiked at this party.
Why was the man who hung tennis equipment from his ears arrested?
He was found guilty of racket-ear-ring
Why did the donut go to a therapist?
He felt empty inside.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Caesar.
Caesar who?
Caesar quick, she’s running away.
What do you call a kung-fu match between a married couple?
Marital Arts!
Soft fruits make really supportive parents. Whenever their youngsters fail at something, they just smile and say “Have another bite at the cherry.”
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart
Flamingo parents are really cute with their babies. You should see them playing Beak a Boo.
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
How does Big Foot find his way through the deepest darkest forests?
He just follows the big footpath!
What made the truck driver finally stop farting?
He ran out of gas.
How do rabbits travel? By hareplane.
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
Why do vikings have barcodes on their ships?
Its so they can scan-de-navien
What has 18 legs, spits a lot, and catches flies?
A baseball team.
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man.
As they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
What does a deer do when it gets to its friend’s house?
Rings the deer bell.
“My formula for success is rise early, work late and strike oil.” JP Getty.
"I took a gamble and chose you, now i believe I made a bad bet."
What’s a horse’s favorite fruit?
Canterlope.
Mom told son to clean his room. But instead, he set it on fire.
It was a hot mess
Physics is like incest.
It’s all relative.
What is a jack o lantern's favorite pick up line?
"Darling, you look GOURD-EOUS!!"
What did the baby deer say to his friend?
“I’m so fawn-d of you!”
What do you call a tree that grows deodorant, toothpaste and tampons?
A toiletry.
Do you believe in love at first sight? Or should I walk by you again?
Variety is the ice of life.
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