"People that insist upon drinking and driving, are putting the quart before the hearse."
– Gilbert K. Chesterton
"Sorry I stopped contacting you. I had to go back to rehab."
Girl is your name baseball? Cause I just want to hit it with you.
Chuck Norris can clap with one hand.
It’s so hot the Statue of Liberty was asked to lower her arm.
I broke my spine in an accident last year. Had a life saving operation to fix my neck which permanently locked my head in place.
Since then I've never looked back.
What do you call it when the axe in your hand falls on your feet.
An AXEIDENT.
My coffee is really hot. But you're hotter.
"When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old." - Mark Twain
I wrote you a song, but it’s not very good
I wanted to serenade you, the best way I could
But it came out more, like a list of complaints
Because as much as I love you
Some days you drive me insane
(Anonymous)
I should call you rainbow, because you’re passing with flying colors.
I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was Hungary. After Czech'ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter 'Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite'.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light
What did the Pharaoh tell the man who tried to sell him a pyramid? "Well, that's the last thing I need."
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot.
It caused immense pain to ma toes.
The Genie granted my wish for longer arms, but he warned me My wish would have far reaching consequences.
Had beaver curry last night.
Bit like a normal curry, just a little otter.
There was an Old Man of the West,
Who never could get any rest;
So they set him to spin
On his nose and chin,
Which cured that Old Man of the West.
What's green and sour and swims in an aquarium?
A tro-pickle fish.
Beavers enjoy being in the company of a river because they go with the flow.
"My Dog"
My family got a new dog.
Its fur is short and white.
I absolutely love him,
but something is not right.
His ears are soft and long
and flop along the side.
His tail is quite short
But also very wide.
He’s positively quiet.
He never makes a sound.
He’s got a real cute jump
when I put him on the ground.
I’m sure when he grows up.
He’ll be massively strong.
His favorite food’s carrots
He eats them all day long!
– Steve Hanson
Why was the cat not allowed on the computer? Because she tried to catch the mouse!
Why did Santa put a clock in his sleigh? He wanted to see time fly!
If anyone says you’re a 10/10, they are lying, you’re an Ella-ven
Why was the football pitch a triangle?
Because someone took a corner
"Maybe this is not the right time for us"
What did the salad lover say to his girlfriend?
You will Romaine in my heart forever.
I love my furniture... Me and my recliner go way back.
Why did the mathematician work from home?
Because he could only function in his domain.
"Does your father sell diamonds? Because you are FLAWLESS!"
You’re my pot of gold.
The chocolate couple decided to rent a two bedroom sweet for their summer honeymoon.
If you don't use a bidet...
You're doing a half-a*sed job.
Have you ever tried setting fire to a flamingo? It’s really easy, you just burn the O.
What do you call dumb jokes at the beach?
Comic sands.
What does a brain do when it sees a friend across the street?
Gives a brain wave.
How does an octopus go to war?
Well armed.
What is a golfer’s favorite bird?
Any birdie will do.
Would you like to come to my quarters tonight for some toast?
I wanna live in your socks so I can be with you every step of the way.
Why is the air so clean and healthy on Halloween?
The witches sweep the sky.
What do you call someone who loves dogs?
A pug addict.
“Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.”
— Oprah Winfrey
Why do math teachers make good dancers?
Because they have algorithm.
What did the zoologist and the herbalist name their child? Tiger Woods.
If Princess Toad looked liked you, I would have killed Bowser years ago.
“We are experiencing slight tuber-lence on the flight”
Why was the baseball player so good at writing advertising jingles?
Because they're so catchy.
What happened when 100 hares got loose on Main Street? The police had to comb the area.
Bodies Needed To Look After Graveyard
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