“Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.”
- Buddy Hackett.
What type of dog chases anything red?
A bull dog.
What do you call a woman who sets fire to all her bills ?
Bernadette.
She sells seashells on the seashore.
The shells she sells are seashells, I’m sure.
And if she sells seashells on the seashore,
Then I’m sure she sells seashore shells.
There once was a man stuck in a stall,
He tried to get out but would fall.
One day a man flushed,
The fat man just blushed,
And quickly ran out of the mall.
Why did two fishes go to the riverbank? They wanted to withdraw their fins.
There are two types of people in this world: People who love chocolate and liars. A study says that chocolate may lower your chances of a stroke. That is, a swimming stroke, a golf stroke, a tennis stroke.
- Dad, where are the DVDs? Where's Shrek, I want to watch it.
- Somewhere ogre there.
Why couldn’t the witch have children? Her husband had a hallow weenie.
Why did the nose cross the road?
Because he was tired of getting picked on.
Today, my arm got pinned between my wife's chest and the chair.
It was booby trapped.
What do teachers drink at school? Facul-Tea.
What do ghosts use to keep their hair in place? Scare-spray!
“Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.”
- Ann Landers.
How do you call stage diving at Oktoberfest?
Krautsurfing.
What did the baby computer call its father?
Data.
If I said you had a gorgeous shell would you hold it against me?
Hi, I see that you're new to this gym, and I wanna be the first male to bother you.
I want to live in your socks so I can be with you every step of the way.
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
I had never seen a horse that white. Perhaps, that is why it is called a mayo-neighs.
Q. Where did the gorilla like to go sailing?
A. The Chimpan-Sea
You’re as sweet as Pi.
What is a cat’s favorite vegetable? As-purr-agus.
Zombies are dead but they live with it.
“L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there’s a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson — and when he shows up, they tell him there’ll be a ten-minute wait.”
Bill Maher
Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
What’s the super-confusing way that pigs say I love you? “I a-boar-you.”
The government is planning to ban articles about ironing appliances in the newspaper.
The freedom of press is no more.
Hey cutie, I Sense you have a lot of Sensibility. Was that too Austen-tatious of me to point out?
What’s an orange’s favourite animal? An orange-utan.
Apple is announcing a new cell phone for children.
iKid you not.
There is a rule that cats can shed hair on anything in the house… It is called fur-niture for a reason!
Have you heard about the gorilla who got a name change?
Peaches the gorilla escaped from the zoo, but when they got him back they had to change it because it turns out he had become an Ape Re-caught.
Baby, if you were words on a page, you’d be fine print.
There’s two balloons in the desert. One says look out for that cactus!
The other goes What Cactussssss...
Man is Fatally Slain.
Flute players provide some cheap trills.
When do monkeys fall from the sky?
During APE-ril showers.
Why doesn't Daniel Tosh eat Hot Dogs? He can't find the zipper
Why was the baker in a serious panic? He thought that he was in a loaf or death situation.
Which alphabet gang strikes fear in the hearts of the other letters?
I Q U.
The vampire decided to eat a throat lozenge. It was the only thing he could think of to stop his coffin fit.
What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!
The reason the Holy Grail has never been recovered is because nobody is brave enough to ask Chuck Norris to give up his favourite coffee mug.
Let's 'bag' this place and go get a coffee. And yes, I am proud of that pun.
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? Because the corn has ears.
"To lose weight, spend time at the gym. To appear like you've lost weight, spend time with people who are bigger than you."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
What did the Easter bunny say about the Easter parade?It was eggs-cellent.
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