What do you call a werewolf YouTuber?
A lycansubscribe
As for beauty I am not a star,
There are others much more handsome by far.
But my face - I don't mind it,
For I am behind it,
It's the people in front that I jar.
"We must both, I’m afraid, recognise that, as we grow older, we become like old cars – more and more repairs and replacements are necessary." - C.S. Lewis
“I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.”
Damien Fahey
My friend’s bakery burned down last night.
Now his business is toast.
What are you doing for the rest of your afterlife?
Do you know how to drive stick? Because I sure as hell do.
Why do men get their great ideas in bed? Because their plugged into a genius!
You are the square to my root.
What’s a whale’s favorite movie?
The Humpback Of Notre Dame.
Is there a bathroom in this tennis club? Because I’m about to drop a deuce.
Your fragrance lights up my life.
Would you mind watching my pet parrot while I’m out, as long as it’s not too much of a birden?
What looks like half a pine tree? The other half.
Who was the most infamous terrorist in llama history?
Osama Bin Llama.
What is a good place for bat jokes?
A public bat room.
What do you call an overly cautious cup of tea?
Uncertaintea.
We were all sturtled by the incoming news.
What runs but can't walk? The faucet!
When does a joke become a Dad joke?
When it becomes fully groan.
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn’t.
You looking at me is making me turn as red as that roasted beet salad.
Why was the scuba diver failing Biology? Because he was below "C" level.
I needed to add some grass seeds to my lawn. The only thing I could find to keep the seeds out of my flower bed was some ceramic bunnies my wife had, so I used those as a barrier.
Please don't make fun of my re-seeding hare line.
I spilled some acid on my aluminum fork and it dissolved…
but I didn’t mean to! It was an oxidant.
I was boiling vegetables in the saucepan the other day when my wife went to move it...
I said careful, it’s got a leek in it.
What did the steak say when he came across his nemesis? Ah, we meat again!”
What happened to the zombie that made him visit the doctor? He had a crummy feeling.
What do you call an ant who joins the army?
Milit-ant.
Where's the weak spot on a Scottish goalie? The fief hole.
If a flower grew every time you’d cross my mind, I’d have a field of flowers.
“Sunday morning my head is bad. But it's worth all the time I had. But I've got to go and get some rest. For Monday is a mess!”
– Dave Bartholomew, Blue Monday
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Britney Spears
Britney Spears who?
Knock, knock - oops i did it again.
If a police officer pulls a U-Haul truck over...
did he just bust a move?
Snow thank you.
Baby, when you're near me my heart beats like a hedgehog's. That's about 300 beats a minute.
Brother: "I saw a seahorse scuba diving"
Dad: "Wow that's amazing, I didn't realise they had the technology."
What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving? The turkey trot
I'm looking to sell my DeLorean. Good shape, low mileage...
Only driven from time to time.
What do you call Santa living at the South Pole? A lost clause.
What do you call a benzene ring where the iron atoms replacing all of the carbon atoms?
A ferrous wheel.
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
In case of not being,
able to count up to seven,
you can use your fingers.
Where does the Japanese mafia take a bath?
In a yakuzzi.
What's the definition of a gentleman? One who knows how to play the saxophone, but doesn't!
I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.
Why are tomatoes the slowest vegetable?
Because they can’t ketchup.
I’m a wrapper, so I get a lot of dough. A bread wrapper, that is.
What did the unicorn tell the bag of beans? U-no-corn.
When I went to highschool in Italy my classmates were one year older than me.
I Skipped pasta grade.
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