A cowboy and a Mexican were walking side-by-side by a beach in Mexico. The Cowboy asked to the Mexican if the Gulf of Mexico was an ocean.
"Sea, Señor," replied the Mexican.
What do you call a cat from Italy?
Spacatti.
I was dating a keyboard but we had to break up...
...she just wasn't my type.
Up to snow good.
Why do words and punctuation end up in court? To be sentenced.
When the defender was put in the box for spearing Jaromir Jagr, he
complained "but it was only a poke-Czech!"
"Looking fifty is great—if you’re sixty." - Joan Rivers
Did you hear the joke about the lumberjack, The sheep and the goat?
I wood tell ewe, but it’s a baaaaaad joke
What do you calla watermelon that just won’t stop committing crimes? A watefelon.
What do you call an owl who knows how to do magic tricks?
Hoodini.
What do you call a toilet perched on top of an active volcano?
The lavatory.
"The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again."
Erma Bombeck
What do you call a Greek philosopher who loves rice?
Arisotto.
Honey, I need you to cancel my subscription. I’m done with your issues.
What do mushrooms watch on TV?
Spores.
Gobbling gorgoyles gobbled gobbling goblins.
Why was the picture of the dog sent to jail?
Because it was framed.
“The happiness of the bee and the dolphin is to exist. For man, it is to know that and to wonder at it.”
- Jacques Yves Cousteau.
Why do thespians have great hair? They want the perfect part.
The nectarine academic is doing a Ph.D. in 'Peach and Language Psychology' from the University of Georgia.
The winter is the worst time of year for a wedding. The grooms always seem to be getting cold feet.
An electrician needed to change 8 fluorescent lamps to brighten up a large conference room at our office. I asked him if he needed a hand carrying them.
He said no, this is light.
What did the woodworm say to the chair?
It's been nice gnawing you.
Are you a ghost? Because you’ve been haunting my dreams.
Hey girl, are you a newspaper?
Because you get picked up by random guys on the bus.
Why was the orange the valedictorian of her class?
She was the zest in class.
What do you call an amazing day up a mountain? A peak experience.
What kind of day ends with no toilet paper?
A bidet.
Baby, you light up my mood like the way chocolate can.
A Roman Lifeguard on duty:
See Caesar, Beware the tides of March!
Chuck Norris doesn't have a roof in his house
Cold and wind don't dare come in.
Wanna meet up tonight? I hope you Leonard-on’t say no
When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.
Today my son drew a picture of a kangaroo without a body.
I couldn't make heads or tails of it.
Once I told a joke about mosquitos...
It was malarious.
Be careful! Theres a deadly fruit on the loose
He has 7 charges of armed Strawbbery.
“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.”
Mark Twain
Are you lonesome tonight? I can't help falling in love with you.
What’s the worst thing about a bread pun?
It tends to get stale.
Why should you always bring a bag of tortilla chips to a party?
In queso emergency.
Did you hear about the butcher who sat on his bacon slicer?
He got a little behind in his deliveries.
Why do travel nurses and boxers get along?
They know how to stick and move.
If I had a nickel for every time I gave someone my two cents...
I'd have 60% gross margins.
How do you sum up a cashew?
In a nutshell.
In Mexico, truck drivers always keep a wheel of cheese in their cabs. Apparently this is in queso emergencies.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
My divorce attorney
I recently found a round, black piece of plastic, with a hole in the middle and grooves on both sides. I picked it up and threw it. It flew for more than 300 yards
I'm sure that must have been a record.
Be-leaf me, you look great in green.
Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
Why was the geologist always depressed?
He had a hard rock life.
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