I heard that burglars used grass to pick a lock and gain entry to a local house, but the evidence may have been planted.
Wine puns. They're always in pour taste.
What cheese is made backwards?
Edam.
If you wake up in a RED room, with no windows or doors, don't be alarmed, you're just in my heart.
If a star fell for every time I thought of you, the sky would be empty.
Why cant a mosquito stand on his feet?
because they dont have mosquiTOES.
There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice
He inserted some mice,
Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell.
I love having dinner in a local restaurant. It has a soup-erb speciality that mixes soup and herbs.
You look pretty fun, I hope this means I’m headed into a new S-era of good luck
What is a Viking's favorite music?
Ragnarock.
Algorithm.
Word used by programmers when they don't want to explain what they did.
I put the “man” in Manitoba.
Why didn’t they play cards on the Ark?
Because Noah was standing on the deck.
What do you call a group of crows flying over a couple?
A murder over love.
Are you a bookmark? Because I keep rereading the pages you are on!
What did the cat do to someone she had wronged? She a-paw-logized.
Cashier: Sir, would you like me to put your milk in a bag?
Dad: I would much rather keep it in the carton!
Halloween is the night of darkness. But you are brighter than an angel.
I must be a diamond now, because you just gave me a hardness of 10.
The urinals were broken at my dad's work
He had to walk a long distance to go to the bathroom. When the plumber came and informed him the urinals were fixed, my dad told him "I'm relieved!"
Do you live on Mars? ‘Cause, you look out of this world.
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it'd be a foot!
What did one sea monster say to the other sea monster when they started their new jobs as sewer inspectors?
- It’s going to be a Nessie job, but let’s get Kraken!
What's the difference between and Buffalo and a Bison?
You can't wash your face in a Buffalo.
Why was the painter upset when his doctor bought all of his paintings? The doctor thought the paintings would go up in value after his death.
Why was the peach so sad at the funeral? It left a deep pit in its heart.
It takes one to snow one.
I thought about studying the astronomy for my university. But then I thought, I would just be taking up space.
What did the horse reply when asked if it would try water polo?
“I would dapple.”
Why couldn't the father afford to take his kids to classical music concerts?
Because he was Baroque
Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
Dog heaven must be missing an angel.
Forget about Spider man, Batman, or Superman. I’ll be your man.
What drink do you need to steal? Virgin-tea. Why do hipsters only drink iced tea? Because ice was water before it was cool.
What is it called when an IT person gets surgery on their fingers?
Tech knuckle support.
Shave a single shingle thin.
Is that the sun coming up?
Or is it just you lighting up my world?
When I said "God, Thank you for this delicious noodle soup", my dad said "Ramen".
What do you call a magician on a plane? A flying sorcerer!
What do you get if you cut off Mona Lisa's ears?
MONO LISA.
How do ghosts stay fit? By exorcising daily.
What does daylight-saving time mean in Seattle?
An extra hour of rain.
“I’ve drank multiple cups of coffee, and Monday isn’t looking any better. Hey – give me a beer. Let’s see if that helps.”
Q: Why is there so much wind inside a sports arena?
A: Because of all the fans.
"Bed in Summer"
In Winter I get up at night
And dress by yellow candle light.
In Summer, quite the other way,
I have to go to bed by day.
I have to go to bed and see
The birds still hopping on the tree,
Or hear the grown-up people’s feet
Still going past me in the street.
And does it not seem hard to you,
When all the sky is clear and blue,
And I should like so much to play,
To have to go to bed by day?
– Robert Louis Stevenson
Do you wanna go to a restaurant?
You can't spell “menu” without me and u.
What do politicans need to drink? Honest-Tea.
What did the llama say when he found out he had been robbed?
“I’ve been fleeced!”
Excuse me, I just farted over there. Can I stand here with you?
There was an Old Man of Cape Horn,
Who wished he had never been born;
So he sat on a chair,
Till he died of despair,
That dolorous Man of Cape Horn.
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