If I had a nickel for every time someone called me young...
I could buy a lollipop.
I'm sorry did you say you drove the ski-doo, what's your ring size?
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
Where do Eskimos keep their eggs?
In the egg-loo.
What do you get when you spice up date night? Netflix and Chilis.
What do you call a group of lions partying on ships in Gibraltar?
A strait pride parade.
"Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages."
- H. L. Mencken
Why did the T-Rex cross the road?
Because the chicken hadn’t evolved yet.
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and julius ceaser walk into a bar
He came, he saw, he conquered
Why was the computer late to work? Because it had a hard drive!
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Thanks for all the sediment.
Why don't we head to my bedroom, peel back my Star War sheets, and discover what a true Jedi can do with his lightsaber?
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
What happened to the pineapple who was turned down for a date? Crushed pineapple.
We're like a 4-Leaf clover. You're the C and I'm the R, and there's love in between us.
I have an Epi-Pen.
My friend gave it to me as he was dying.
It seemed very important to him that I have it.
Did you know I’m a flower? Because I just need somebudy like you.
“Smiling is mouth yoga.” — Thich Nhat Hanh
I have a high shelf in my kitchen to store meat. It’s safe to say...
The steaks are high.
Watched a TV show about how they build ships.
It was riveting.
What do dogs and Santa have in common?
They are both seen Dachshund through the snow.
We caught the drummer of our band masturbating over his drum kit...
I guess the pervert thinks of them as s*x cymbals.
What’s the best time to eat a peach while watching a NASCAR race? During the pit stop!
What did the lipstick say after he let down his friend?
I’ll make it up to you.
I bought an old stereo.
My wife has her doubts, but I think it's a sound investment.
I tried riding a camel instead of a horse once.
It had its ups and downs.
What do you call a Spanish Goat with no hind legs?
Gracias
What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast.
What do you get when you cross ants with ticks?
All sorts of antics.
What is a vampire’s favorite fruit?
A blood orange.
What is yellow and goes bzzzzzz? An electric banana.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
There was a young lady from Niger,
Who smiled as she rode on a tiger.
They came back from the ride,
With the lady inside,
And the smile on the face of the tiger.
A goal new ball game I he a kick outta you
When a ship or Vikings suddenly vanishes
There's a disturbance in the Norse
French history is nothing to Lafayette at.
“The only thing I like better than talking about food is eating.”
— John Walters
What’s the great white shark’s favorite candy?
Jaw-Breakers.
Q: Why do peas dislike noisy eaters?
A: Because they want peas and quiet.
I only have ice for you.
There was a fight at the fish restaurant last night.
Two haddock got battered.
Why did the gardener think her plant was sick?
It was looking very green.
Old Norse cuisine is simply not to my Viking.
After a tiring day at work, my wife drew me a relaxing bath. It wasn't very smart of me to ask if it was going to be in color or a sketch.
“Morning will come, it has no choice.”
— Marty Rubin
"I Love to Hate You"
Just one look at you
Tempting me, teasing me, tormenting me
I hate the feelings you evoke
Greed
Desire
Lust
Just want to hold you, devour you
I don’t want to see you go
But I can never resist the last chocolate in the box!
— Jan Allison
Hold still, there's a mosquito on your a$$.
There was a Young Lady of Parma,
Whose conduct grew calmer and calmer;
When they said, 'Are you dumb?'
She merely said, 'Hum!'
That provoking Young Lady of Parma.
What is the best Thanksgiving cookie?
One baked with May-flour.
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