"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."

No one really enjoys crying wolf. However, the boy did cry just to get a howling experience.

Canada is planning a mission to the moon
They're calling the spaceship the Apollo-G.

What do you call an ant who can’t speak?
A mute ant.

The other day I asked an Alaskan guy if he wanted to eat some seal meat.
He wasn’t really inuit

Why do bacon lettuce and tomatoes have the lowest IQ out of all the foods?
Because they're in-bred.

“Archeologists 10,000 years from now will believe this was a sacred feast where gravy boats were worshipped.” —@WilliamAder

Having to wipe with a hemorrhoid is a pain in the a**.

"And this is the amputation wing of the hospital. It used to be a lot bigger."

"Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined." - Samuel Goldwyn

Why is it hard to carry on a conversation with a goat?
Because they are always butting in.

Why’s it always hot after a football game?
All the fans left.

A crow was arrested under suspicion of murder. The case was closed, as the judge said he had just caws.

It's so cold that our words froze in midair — we had to put them in a frying pan to thaw them so we could hear what we were talking about.

My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.
But will she leave me...?
Find out next week.

Called in sick to work one day complaining about my eyes.
When they asked what's wrong I said:
“I just can’t see myself coming in to work today.”

What kind of humor did the Founding Fathers partake in?
Dad jokes.

I went into the kitchen and found that someone replaced all the cutting utensils with spoons
That wasn't knife.

Please keep your distance. I might fall for you.

Basketball players at times get athletes foot. Come to think of it, it is like the missle toe astronauts get.

What do you call a group of killer whales carrying musical instruments.
An orca-stra.

Will you come to my place? You can sure lower my heating bill with your hotness.

Why did the lobster blush?
Because the sea weed.

You are photon quanta to my valence electron because you excite me to a higher energy level.

What is the lesser-known sport used to measure a horse’s singing ability?
Carol racing.

I saw a twinkle in her eye I have not seen since the neighbor children discovered our new electric fence.
David Hyde Pierce

I’m stuck on you like igloo.

I really hate straws.
They suck.

How do you get a trombonist off your doorstep?
Pay them for the pizza.

I buy all my guns from a guy named T-Rex...
He's a small arms dealer.

"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels

How are bad school grades like a shipwreck in the Arctic Ocean? They're both below C level!

Which barnyard animal is a famous painter?
Vincent Van Goat

Donut even think about taking another donut!

"The Theoretic Turtle"

The theoretic turtle started out to see the toad;
He came to a stop at a liberty-pole in the middle of the road.
“Now how, in the name of the spouting whale,” the indignant turtle cried,
“Can I climb this perpendicular cliff, and get on the other side?
If I only could make a big balloon, I’d lightly over it fly;
Or a very long ladder might reach the top, though it does look fearfully high.
If a beaver were in my place, he’d gnaw a passage through with his teeth;
I can’t do that, but I can dig a tunnel and pass beneath.”
He was digging his tunnel, with might and main, when a dog looked down at the hole.
“The easiest way, my friend,” said he, “is to walk around the pole.”

– Amos R. Wells

Hey did you know you can’t spell Dreamy without Amy?

Where my prose at?

I hear this house is haunted… we better stick together.

On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."

What kind of tree does a chicken come from?
A poul-tree.

I think I might become an astronomer because I’m very fascinated with Uranus

To beer or not to beer… That is the question.

What did baby corn say to Mama corn?
Where's Popcorn?

Why did the dog cross the road twice?
He was playing Fetch with a boomerang.

I'm an outfielder – I'll catch you.

How do Rednecks celebrate Halloween? Pump kin!

Why did the thief steal a pig? Because he was a hamburglar.

I'd drink your bathwater.

Why don’t dolphins play basketball?
Because they’re afraid of the net!

Where do the monkeys get their gossip?
They hear it on the ape vine.