"I’m getting tired of waking up and not being at the beach."
I'm arresting you for breaking the 8th amendment because you...are excessively fine!
What did the farmer yell out when ducks invaded his dairy farm? Cheese and crackers!
"Yoda one for me."
I'm a man without a country. Can I be a citizen of you?
My fat parrot escaped from its cage... To be honest, it's a weight off my shoulders!
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
What do we call a beautiful picture drawn by a peach artist? – It is a great peach of work.
Hi, I'm a fashion photographer. Would you like to be in my next photo shoot?
What do you call a group of crows eating a box of corn flakes?
A cereal murder.
There was an Old Man who said, 'How
Shall I flee from that horribke cow?
I will sit on this stile,
And continue to smile,
Which may soften the heart of that cow.'
Why did the butter keep talking? Because he felt like he was really on a roll.
What kind of materials do dinosaurs use for the floor of their homes? Rep Tiles
Did you invent the airplane? Cause you seem Wright for me.
What is black, white and dead all over?
A zombie in a tuxedo.
Which channels do the asteroids like to watch? The comet-y channel.
Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for his birthday.
He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.
What's the best way to stuff a turkey? Serve him lots of pizza and ice cream!
What is a ghost peppers favorite Leonardo Dicaprio film? Catch me if you Cayenne.
The reason why soccer players are brilliant in math is because they know how to use their heads well.
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
Why did the hotdogger quit skiing at MaryJane?
Because it was the wurst stunt skier at Winter Park Resort.
How did Burger King get Dairy Queen Pregnant? He forgot to wrap his whopper!
What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.
Are you a pot-head? Because weed be cute together
Roses are red, violets are blue, with you in my head, this cow goes moooo.
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
Do you have the power of a volcano? Because I lava you!
Why were there cows on the baseball field?
Because they were looking for the bullpen.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Tentacles.
Why did some of the elves spell Christmas as N-O-E? Because Santa said No L!
If a star fell every time I thought of you, the sky would be dark at night.
I wish I had your number, so I could’ve invited you to dinner last weekend.
I aorta tell you how much I love you.
Why are ghosts no good at running a railway? A. Because they can’t even put on a skeleton service!
It’s so cold I saw Superman taking a taxi.
Are you sure you're not a tower? Because Eiffel for you.
What’s Thanos’ favorite app to talk to friends?
Snap chat.
Chuck Norris can pick oranges from an apple tree and make the best lemonade youve ever tasted.
"learn to play piano by ear!"
"Thanks, I'd rather use my fingers."
Is there a magnet in here because I'm really attracted to You.
That's a nice dress — where's the rest of it?
Did you hear about the vampire who tortured his victims with music?
His Bach was worse than his bite.
What did one skeleton say to the other skeleton?
- You’re dead to me.
Why don't matches play baseball?
Because one strike, and they're out.
Which course gives Tiger Woods the most trouble? Intercourse!
Why do tigers always hunt and eat their prey raw?
Because they don’t know how to cook it.
Tom Hanks just got the Corona virus.
They had to lock the whole Cast Away.
What do you call a gnome priest?
A compact disc.
Did you hear about the broadcasters in the aeroplane?
They're on air now
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