I saw a joke about chocolate bars but it wasn’t that funny So I just snickered.
What do you call a berry that plays the trumpet? A tooty fruity!
What do you call an important English snake?
Sir Pent.
What’s a spiders favorite barbecue food?
Corn on the cobweb.
What do you call a kangaroo that’s exhausted from trespassing?
Out of bounds.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney? An offer you can't understand.
What do sailors drink when they gather at a tavern to commiserate?
Port whine!
Went on a walk today. Had a couple of crows following me around. I'm pretty sure I have the corvid.
The zombie's had some bad news.
He's looking very grave.
“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”
– Mitch Hedburg
Ouch! You are giving me a good kind of toothache just because of your sweetness.
"Family Vacation (n.) A time for you to remember why your family never spends any time together."
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
"Wine a little, laugh a lot."
You make my heart race, and there is no finish line.
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
What did one chicken say to the other after they walked through poison ivy?
“You scratch my beak and I’ll scratch yours!”
Did you get a hair cut?
No, I got them all cut.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You look like a donkey,
And smell like one too.
Why did the corn cross the road?
Because it was being stalked.
“Stretch marks are just rad lil’ lightning strikes here to remind you that you are a force of nature.”
What does a gingerbread man put on his bed?
A cookie sheet!
What did the steak say to his girlfriend? You're the apple of my rib-eye!
This love feels like floating endlessly in outer space and looking for your pretty lost smiles.
What did the coffee addict say to his doctor?
I don’t have a problem with coffee. I have a problem without it!
What are stepfathers called in France?
Faux pas.
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
If I knew I was going to die tomorrow, I would spend every second today thinking about you.
I recently read a book by an onion which had opened up on its life. Midway through the book, I started crying.
What does an obstinate piglet always say to his mama?
“Sow what?”
What is a myelinated neuron's favorite type of music?
Wrap music.
The weather man said there won’t be any rain for 6 months, but I drought it.
"Gray hair is God’s graffiti." – Bill Cosby
How do you impregnate a submarine?
Fill it with seamen.
“It’s a shame that the only thing a man can do for eight hours a day is work. He can’t eat for eight hours; he can’t drink for eight hours; he can’t make love for eight hours. The only thing a man can do for eight hours is work.” — William Faulkner
“Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.”
Josh Billings
What do skiers order at fast food restaurants?
Icebergers with Chilly Sauce, on the slide.
You’re the gravy to my turkey.
The aspiring comedian has an unbe-leaf-able collection of autumn jokes, but they are all falling flat.
It’s your birthday, there is no cure,
Cakes and candles, you must endure,
Quick and painless, let me assure,
A tiny chance, you will be mature,
With this crowd, usually secure,
Random fun, with results obscure,
Liquids we drink, definitely pure,
Goofy friends, minds we tour,
Hilarious birthday, that’s for sure.
(Martin Dejnicki)
"You need kissing badly. That's what's wrong with you. You should be kissed often, and by someone who knows how."
- Clark Gable, Gone with the Wind (1939)
I think we're mint to be!
Why did the chicken go to the zoo?
To get to the otter slide.
Mummies are very aware of investment security. Their favorite is Cryptocurrency.
Why do cows lie on each other in the rain?
To keep each udder dry.
What sport does the Koolaid man play?
Baseball. He's a pitcher.
Two monkeys get in a bath. The first one say’s “ooh ooh aah ooh aah”
The second one say’s “well put some cold water in it then”
Do you need some encourage-mint?
In some way, being a bowl of soup is like being a man. You are only blown when you are hot!
You never realize how time flies when you are not wearing a watch on a plane.
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