Why did the pianist turn around on his way to the grocery store?
He forgot his Chopin Liszt.
Garden centers are attempting to stem a fall in the sale of fresh flowers.
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
On a keyboard, nothing is under control.
“I don’t like to commit myself about heaven and hell — you see, I have friends in both places."
— Mark Twain
Send toast to ten tense stout saints’ ten tall tents.
Chester Cheetah chews a chunk of cheep cheddar cheese.
If I buy a soccer ball, will you kick it with me?
Why are dogwood trees amazing pets? They have a great bark and a wooden bite.
"Taxes grow without rain."
- Jewish Proverb
I'm new in town. Could you give me directions to your apartment?
How do you mess up a brain, on paper?
With a few strokes.
What do you call an imaginary color?
A pigment of your imagination.
Why was the musician arrested?
She got in treble.
Where did Santa's little helpers go to high school?
They didn't, they were gnome-schooled.
What did one eyeball say to the other?
Between you and me, something smells.
There once was a boy named Dan,
who wanted to fry in a pan.
He tried and he tried,
and eventually died,
that weird little boy named Dan.
A pretty lady wasn't on my shopping list but I can be spontaneous.
There was an Old Man of Kamschatka,
Who possessed a remarkable fat cur;
His gait and his waddle
Were held as a model
To all the fat dogs in Kamschatka.
What do you call a skeleton's favorite singer?
Pelvis Presley.
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
“The trouble with the IRS is that 90% of its members give the rest a bad name.”
Your shirt has to go, but you can stay.
I hate red eyes, but I would fly all night for you.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
Will you be the sun in my life? Then stay millions of miles away from me.
I think this has been said somewhere else.
My love for you is like diarrhea. I just can't hold it in.
I can't drink milk. I lactose genes required to digest it.
I'm a student, and I play a game with myself every time I check my bank account.
It's called Meal or no Meal.
Why did the bear dissolve in water?
It was polar.
Why did the barber win the race?
He took a short cut!
Is there such a thing
As turkey in a can?
If there is, I will buy it;
It doesn’t matter the manufacturer’s land.
As long as it’s edible, I’ll dig in deep.
I can no longer eat
My wife’s Thanksgiving meat.
- Natasha Niemi
I found a side job collecting dog poo from people's yards.
It's not much, but business is picking up.
A crossword compiler named Moss,
Who found himself quite at a loss.
When asked, Why so blue?
Said, I haven’t a clue
I’m 2 Down to put 1 Across.
What do you call a laughing motorcycle? A Yamahahaha
What do you call a stampeding herd of llamas?
The alpacalypse.
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.
Bob Hope
What did snow white say when she came out of the photo booth?
Some day my prints will come.
A man walks into a zoo, there was only one animal in the zoo.
It was a Shitzu.
During the summer break, I enrolled myself in a peach coding course.
French history is nothing to Lafayette at.
The river turned out to be a great party guy because he just went with the flow.
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
When the cats and the bats are about
Many witches are near, no doubt
If one is in sight
And you're filled with fright
Don't worry - just yell out a shout.
This April fools, I decided to swipe right on only the ugly people on Tinder and then burn them.
Still no matches.
I went to my kid's school for an art exhibition
It was paper view.
“Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.”
— Punit Ghadge
Hey, can I borrow your water filter? Cause you’ve got me thinking impure thoughts.
"I can't wait to start blaming my normal lack of productivity on it being summer"
What do you call two female lovers spying on the government?
Lesbionage.
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