“To shorten winter, borrow some money due in spring. ” — W.J. Vogel
Five frantic frogs fled from fifty fierce fishes.
Birthday candles don’t exercise because they burn out too quickly!
What did the cloud say to the rainbow? Thank you for adding color to my day.
What did the alligator say to the other alligator that was in the way?
“Please move, I need to get bayou.”
Are Earth and Moon good friends? Yes, they’ve been going around together for many years now.
“What does a snail say when he rides on the back of a turtle?
“Whee!”
- Will Durst
Why did the monster truck drive on the sidewalk?
Because he didn’t want to run over the chicken!
How did the little koala bear stop the movie? She hit the paws button.
Lesser leather never weathered wetter weather better
Even though there's no ball game on tonight, we can still slam it.
A lion would never play golf.
But a Tiger Wood.
You must be Gisele Bundchen’s twin sister. You know the one no one talks about because she’s more beautiful than Gisele.
Why are snails allowed on ships?
Escargot.
When Mr. Mushroom saw Miss Mushroom, he didn’t hesitate to ask her out on a date because he had she was such a fungi-rl.
Did you hear about the one-legged gnome?
He’s one foot tall.
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
“Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.”—Rory Elder
Is there a magnet in here because I'm really attracted to You.
So my blood test came back positive.
Turns out I’m full of the stuff.
What did the tortilla chip say to the avocado when the dip bowl was empty?
“We’ve hit guac bottom!”
Bro, are you a submarine?
Because you're so gnar.
Today I be-leaf in leprechauns
Why are popsicles so snobby?
They have a stick up their butt.
What do you get when you cross a bee and a sheep?
A bah-humbug.
What do you call a musician with problems? a trebled man.
"Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once." - Dave Barry
What is a fairy’s favorite drink?
Sprite.
What do baby ghosts wear on Halloween? Pillowcases.
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car.
Throw you off a tree so high.
Hope you break your neck and die!
Twinkle Twinkle little star.
Go to heck, it isnt far.
Autumn brings re-leaf from the heat.
"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr
Did you hear about the Italian chef with the terminal illness?
He pastaway. Now he’s just a pizza history.
If you take a dump on a stump...
Does that make it a toilet tree?
Why is Frankenstein always asking for help?
He’s looking for someone to give him a hand.
Love is like a fart - if you have to force it it's probably crap.
"You can't skele-run from my skele-puns."
How do you beat a robot in a fist fight
Socket in the jaw.
What did the pumpkin say to the jar? Soon I will be ajar too.
You snow the drill.
If athletes can get “Athletes foot”, what can astronauts get? Missile Toe.
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
Why did a baseball player decide to take a job at a used car lot during his off season?
He wanted to work on his sales pitch.
The killer whale planned its attack on the seals for weeks.
It was very carefully orca-strated.
Q. After the stripper is done, what happens at a stag party?
A. Deer-ty dancing.
A child was bored out of his mind. His mother told him that they are going to the laundry mat and the child said "that is the most boring place on earth."
Then the mother said, "Come on, it will be loads of fun."
Why are trees such great thieves? They really have sticky fingers.
Is this the bus stop?
Because I'm here to pick you up!
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
Why was the guy looking for fast food on his friend? Because his friend said dinner is on me.
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