Are you a girl scout because you tie my heart in knots.
"Reti or not, here I come!"
Cowboys don’t roll joints.
They tumble weed.
When I look into the Mirror of Erised, I see you giving me your number.
What did the young Toyota say to his mother when she asked what he wanted for dinner?
Taco ma
Why did Samson try to avoid arguing with Delilah?
He didn’t want to split hairs.
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
“No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
- Fran Lebowitz
I have a heart-on for you.
What do you get when you put the number 3.14 in the middle of the onions? You get o-pi-nions!
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a Spider? A Hare net!
Why is winter the least popular time of year for a wedding?
Because the grooms always get cold feet!
A strawberry's favorite place to visit is Jam-aica.
Did I Elijah’st fall in love?
What is the difference between lightning and electricity. For electricity, you need to pay, but
lightning kills for free.”
What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a crab with boobs?
One is a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean.
Are you an alarm clock? Because I want to kill you.
"Calming the mind is yoga. Not just standing on the head."
- Swami Satchidananda
What is the best toothpaste for the brain?
Neural crest.
What would you call an ogre who can write and recite poetry??
Shrekspeare.
I’ve got to ask are you Facebook?
Please tell me if it’s true,
I’m pretty sure you are indeed,
Because, baby, I like you.
What do murderers drink? Cruel-tea.
What do you call for injured ants?
The ant-bulance.
Why did Italy surrender in WW2?
Because Italics aren't bold.
Which chicken is at the top of the pecking order?
Attila the Hen.
I tried to make it to the end of the rainbow but didn't due to lilac of effort.
When should you go on a cheese diet? If you need to cheddar a few pounds
Where did the Adansonia tree go to get a quick trim? To the baobarber.
What do peach soldiers say to each other before they are sent into combat? – “Good luck and make sure you come back in one peach!”
How do you prepare a Gorilla sundae? Your start getting it ready Fridae and Saturdae!
“Good morning. Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
I don’t believe in boats
I have yacht to see one.
What became of the pig who got fired from his job? He became canned ham.
Soft fruits make really supportive parents. Whenever their youngsters fail at something, they just smile and say “Have another bite at the cherry.”
Why did the girl bring lipstick and eye shadow to school? She had a make-up exam!
I sat on some peas in the car. It was a bumpea ride.
How do fish go into business?
The start on a small scale.
What do you call a dinosaur with high heels? My-feet-are-saurus
What makes pirates such good singers?
They can hit the high Cs.
Wow, of course your name is Alice. Your body is a wonderland
“If A equals success, then the formula is A = X + Y + Z. Where X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut.” — Albert Einstein
What is a favorite game for ghouls?
Chase!
What did the vegetable say at the party?
Lettuce turnip the beet!
How did the cheese get such curly hair?
It got a permasan.
Went on a walk today. Had a couple of crows following me around. I'm pretty sure I have the corvid.
Birthday candles don’t exercise because they burn out too quickly!
Why did the submarines feelings get hurt?
Because they keep calling it a dipship
What bow can't be tied? A rainbow!
What did the owl say to the judge?
I’m talon you, it wasn’t me.
Round the rough and rugged rock the ragged rascal rudely ran.
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