How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days? Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.
Girl: Your ex is so attractive
Boy: Which one?
Girl: ME. Goodbye.
“A hen is just an egg’s way of making another egg.”
- Weird Science.
He has some good puns on crows, but he doesn’t have to keep crowing about it.
Me without you is like the Easter egg hunt without the Easter Eggs.
Where do vampire bats go to take out a loan?
To the blood bank.
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford
You know, I didn't kiss my wife until I was married...
because she wasn't my wife until we were married.
Artists are colorful people who know how to draw on their emotions.
Why did the bee get married?
She found her honey.
I'm no Jane, but I'd Eyre on the side of saying I think you're beautiful.
So I was standing in the grocery store comparing the prices of a couple packs of hummus when my roommate came up to me and suggest the off brand roasted red pepper kind to which I replied:
"Ya, I'm not really sure about that brand. They seem to be very hit and hummus for me."
He was not impressed.
Did you hear about the football team that drafted a vending machine?
They really needed a quarter back!
Why did the daddy rabbit go to the barber?
He had a lot of little hares.
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma
What did the water plant worker say when their facility flooded?
Dam.
I spent last Christmas with a bunch of soft fruit. I kept getting confused with the toast – they were saying “Eat, drink and be cherry!”
Forget about Spider man, Batman, or Superman. I’ll be your man.
What do you call two celebrities who get into a gun fight?
One is a shooting star, and the other is a falling star.
I’ll be your trick if you’ll be my treat.
Let’s act like we’re a couple of colonists and do a few intolerable acts together.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Who is your Daddy,
And what does he do?
Are you an exoplanet? Because I’m bad at astronomy and pick up lines.
Where do you get frog's eggs?
At the spawn shop.
You’ve stolen my heart. I hereby place you under cardiac arrest.
What should someone do if they are stuck between a jaguar and a tiger? Simple, just take the Jaguar and drive away from the tiger.
“Hiking is the only slightly less ugly stepsister of running.” – Lindy Hughes
What do you get when you play country music backward?
You get your wife back, your dog back, and your job back.
I went to my kid's school for an art exhibition
It was paper view.
"Is that a yay or cabernet?"
What's better than a talking dinosaur ? A spelling bee. What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up? Try-Try-Try-ceratops.
What is at the end of a rainbow?
The letter W.
Do truckers prefer houses with long-haul ways?
What party game do rabbits like to play?
Musical Hares!
One more thyme.
. What do you call it when you heard the same jogger pun earlier, yet laughed again?
A running joke.
Green vegetables absolutely love going on camps as a group. Their favorite is the Brussels Scouts.
What do you call an acid with attitude?
A meano-acid.
Summer's over; it's time to chill.
An elephant slept in his bunk,
And in slumber his chest rose and sunk.
But he snored — how he snored!
All the other beasts roared,
So his wife tied a knot in his trunk.
What dinner dish does a developing neuron use?
A neural plate.
I'm single and desolate. Can you help me?
You are so beautiful that you made me forget my pick up line.
I want to create a convention for Irish folks who suffer with leprosy.
I'll call it Leper-Con.
“The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on weather forecasters." ~Jean-Paul Kauffmann
“Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school.”
Albert Einstein
“My biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking that I’d have to do.”
A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store. They gave me another one free of charge.”
How does lettuce listen to music?
Headphones.
Dung Beetles know how to keep their sh** together.
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