There was a young fellow named Hall,
who died in the spring in the fall.
'Twould have been a bad thing,
had he died in the spring,
but he didn't — he died in the fall.
Do you believe in love at first set? Or should I curl this barbell another 10 times?
How does Santa capture photos? With his North Pole-oroid.
It’s a good thing we’re bad at puzzles because there is no way we’re putting this shit back together.
What do you call a toilet perched on top of an active volcano?
The lavatory.
I left my phone under my pillow last night and woke up to coins underneath it. It must have been the Blue-tooth fairy.
We all sat by the fireplace listening to the basketballer’s story. At some point, I found it unbelievable. It was such a tall tale!
Some peas rolled off my plate, and one went far further than the rest. He was the cham-pea-on.
People say Frankenstein’s monster had a temper…
But actually he was surprisingly level-headed.
You look so good, it's like you have a permanent photoshop filter on.
My girlfriend left me because all I do is talk about football.
I'm so sad, we were together for 3 seasons.
"You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance."
– Franklin P. Jones
o my friend Justin was late for the football game.
But that’s okay because he arrived Justin time for kickoff.
Me and my ears hate badminton so much
It's making a racket.
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
“Me to my students every day: Close your eyes. If you can still see me, it could be a sign that your eyes are still open.” – Unknown
What’s a spiders favorite barbecue food?
Corn on the cobweb.
The beaver offered some freshly streamed buns to his guests.
Q. Which deer was a fascist dictator?
A. Moose Al Ini.
Sorry for not calling sooner, I was budy complaining to Spotify for not naming you the year's hottest single.
I can keep increasing the resistance on my bike, but I just can't resist you.
The abdominal snowman is just a snowman with a six-pack.
Are you my new favorite song? Because I'd like to hear you on repeat.
They say that I’m not good enough for you,
And perhaps what they say just might be true.
They tell you to leave me and cast me aside,
To lock all the doors and kick me outside.
But I’ve got one last plea to say in the end,
I’m not the only one who forgot the name of his girlfriend!
Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend...
...and chimney installations are through the roof!
As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Simpson became too furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde.
As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Simpson, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!"
Bewildered, Mr. Simpson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I...I...didn't pinch that girl."
"Of course you didn't" said his wife, consolingly. "I did."
Donut take this the wrong way, but I just want to sprinkle you with sugar and spice.
I met a girl in a vegetarian restaurant who said she recognized me, but I have literally never seen herbivore.
What is Whitney Houston's favorite kind of lettuce?
Ennnnnnndddiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiivvvee.
What did the cook say after making stir fry at a playground?
"It was a wok in the park."
Man: Do you know what'd look good on you? Me.
Woman: Do you know what'd look good on you? Nothing.
What do you call a dwarf who sells prosthetic limbs?
A small arms dealer.
I caught the chef sticking his hand in the cooking pot. He looked at me and said...
"I was just feeling a little chili."
What is the name of the car that passes through the narrow stream of the river? Fjord.
“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’”
- Salty Mermaid.
Why is research more trustworthy if it comes from France?
It's Pierre-reviewed.
“That’s why I love road trips, dude. It’s like doing something without actually doing anything.”
– John Green
What runs but can't walk? The faucet!
“The advantage of growing up with siblings is that you become very good at fractions.”
- Robert Brault
Hey there cyclist, do you need to use my pump?
Hey, can I get your number so I can use you as an alibi?
What did the bowl of soup write on their Valentine?
I love you pho real.
Why is the air so clean and healthy on Halloween?
The witches sweep the sky.
We've reached the point of snow return.
Why do microwaves always mess up WiFi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
Why are wooden hard drives so bad?
They're all bark and no byte.
Two Convicts Evade Noose, Jury Hung
"Darling, you're on fire. Like doughnut grease."
- Duck Dynasty
It takes one to snow one.
Knock, Knock
Who’s there?
Worm!
Worm who?
Worm to meet you!
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