"Money doesn’t change you. It reveals who you are when you no longer have to be nice." ~ Tim Ferriss
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
What did the borg say to the medieval peasant?
Resistance if feudal
Truck drivers have a great way of settling disputes – they only use their horns. It’s known as a fight to the deaf.
What do you call a pine-nut in an apple costume? A pine-apple.
What kind of fruit did Avogadro eat in the summer?
Water-mole-ns
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
What’s a vampire bat’s favorite food?
I-scream!
What is the easiest way to make a banana split? Cut it in half.
A man went to the gym today and met up with his new personal rainer.
“Only your real friends will tell you when your face is dirty.”
— Sicilian Proverb
What did Papa Pig shout at his kids in the car?
“Stop swining! We’re nearly there.”
My real costume is at home in a box under my bed.
Why did the czar cross the road?
To get to his car.
Why are volleyball players always so blameless? They always pass the blame and try to avoid faults.
What is the difference between lightning and electricity. For electricity, you need to pay, but
lightning kills for free.”
Was a bit lonely by myself at home last night on Valentine's Day so I decided to make my own bread.
I was feeling quite kneady
Why was the basketball court so slippery?
Because all the players were dribbling on it.
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
“I found this humerus” is the perfect Halloween pun for boneheads.
You’ll be Dublin your fortune soon.
What’s black, white and red all over?
A penguin with a sunburn.
What does a pizza say when it wants to cuddle?
Fold me close.
What happens when you put your hand in a blender?
You get a hand shake.
How do you make a million dollars playing jazz? Start off with 2 million.
Let's procreate like the snakes in the Narcisse Dens.
What do you calla watermelon that just won’t stop committing crimes? A watefelon.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Why was the pig a pathological liar? It’s a porcine-ality disorder.
Did you hear about the unlucky man who bought some bananas? They were empty.
How can astronauts get more protein in their diet? They make it meteor.
What does the skeleton chef say when he serves you a meal?
- Bone Appetit!
When the little boy was baking a cake why did it run away? Because it said crack 2 eggs then beat it!
What do you call a pickle from the southern backwoods.
A hill-dilly.
You are the best, I feel so peachy when I am with you!
Can I borrow your library card? Cause I’m checking you out.
When I look into the Mirror of Erised, I see you giving me your number.
What do you call a waffle laying on a beach?
Sandy eggo.
I can turn your software into hardware.
A man once said when is Monday coming? His wife said Mon-soon.
The paddy don’t start till I walk in.
Are you the sun?
Because you should stay 93 million miles away from me.
Whats green and smells like bacon? Kermit the Frog's finger! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
Q: Why is a carrot orange and pointy?
A: Because if it was green and round, it would be a pea!
Why do blondes take the pill? So they know what day of the week it is.
What do real estate agents have to be thankful for this year?
Lots.
If my life was a cake. Then you'd the cherry on top.
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” – Phyllis Diller
What jumps up and down in front of a car?
Froglights.
Look into my compound eyes and say you'll eat our young.
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