What made the dinosaur's car stop ? A flat Tire-annosaurus
Where does a pineapple and cucumber vacation? Somewhere tropical (tro-pickle).
A crayon that looks like a strawberry is usually called a cranberry.
Why does a cow hate artificial milk? Because the substance is pow-dairy.
The fisherman was playing his out-of-tune guitar.
Luckily he caught a Tuna
Failed my art exam by using the wrong pencil.
It wasn't 2b.
What gun does a military chef use?
A salt rifle.
I’m ready to shamrock and roll.
It’s so hot you need a spatula to remove your clothing.
Which bus went from Spain to America?
Columbus.
What do you call a parallelogram that's also your parent's mother?
A parallelogramma
"I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet." - Rita Rudner
Hi, I'm Mr. Right.
I showed my mom my report card, she said that she needed to see more A's
I said OKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY
The only kind of Rock music that the Pilgrims were fond of was Plymouth Rock.
My dad got me a clone of myself for my birthday...
He said “Here, it’s faux you!”
What do you call it when a panda eats all of your tall grass?
Bamboozled!
“As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”
Sir Norman Wisdom
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
Hope you’re wide open on [date].
Q. How do you make a sasquatch, a yeti, or a bigfoot laugh?
A. Tell it a gorilla joke!
What did one ocean say to another?
Nothing, it just waved.
What do you call an Irish dancer having a heart attack?
Michael flatline.
What kind of potatoes are in the best shape? Hash browns; they’re totally shredded!
I've been hitting the bottle pretty hard recently.
Still can't get the last of that ketchup out.
I only lost 2 pounds while taking laxatives for a colonoscopy.
I guess I'm not as full of crap as I thought.
What sound do you hear when you drop a bomb on a cow?
Cowboom.
A guy just walked into my store and bought a bunch of fog machines so I called the cops.
He must belong to an extreme mist organization.
The bottom of the butter bucket is the buttered bucket bottom.
Two snakes parted.
The first one said, “Fangs for the memories”.
If a wine connoisseur is called a sommelier then a perfume connoisseur should be called a smellier.
A police officer knocked on my door and told me that my dogs were chasing people on bicycles what rubbish my dog doesn’t even own a bike.
When the giant cannibals started to soak me in vinegar, I'd had enough.
"Why don't you pickle someone your own size?" I shouted.
Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean? Because they dropped out of school!
The plural of mango should be changed to mengo
Where do Eskimos keep their eggs?
In the egg-loo.
"Stop and smell the rosé."
Last winter was so cold, I couldn’t stop telling my wife how much I glove her.
I dropped my steak into the fire.
Well done, me, well done.
I find you very a-peeling.
I steal my eggs from my next door neighbor.
I prefer them poached.
Chuck Norris tells Simon what to do.
What does daylight-saving time mean in Seattle?
An extra hour of rain.
How do people stop being crooks? They straighen themselves out!
Hot dog, I love a good meat pun.
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”
- A. A. Milne
May I ride your broomstick? I lost mine.
You may want to seek help if you feel despresso when you don't have coffee.
If you go to a beach and you can see through it, you could say the coast is clear.
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now."
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