How does a turtle feel after being electrocuted?
Shell-shocked.
Why didn't the mexican archer fire his bow?
Because he didn't habanero.
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honeycombs.
You’re what I’m most thankful for this year.
Doctor Doctor I've broken my arm in four places.
Docter: Well stop going to those 4 places then!
The Tsar Bomba, the most powerful nuclear explosive in recorded history, has an output of 57 megatons of TNT
And that pales in comparison to how much of a bombshell you are.
Foul Play Suspected In Death Of Man Found Handless, Bound And Hanged
If you want to name a smart pig, name him Cunningham.
What's the difference between black eyed peas and chickpeas?
Black eyed peas can sing a tune, chickpeas can only hummus one.
Two tiny timid toads trying to trot to Tarrytown.
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles? No cake for me…I’m stuffed
"Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street." ~ Jay Leno
How do you know your eating rabbit soup? When there's a hare in it.
You feel like that old book tucked away in a corner – one look at it still makes my heart skip a beat.
“I really don’t play well with others on a Monday. Can I skip today and just start again with Tuesday?”
My sister's trying to get famous. She'll never make it, she's just a wanna-pea.
Are you a 30 degree angle? Because you're acute-y.
What do you get if you cross a pelican and zebra? Two streets further away.
What competition do nuts participate in?
The peanut butter cup.
I’m a raindrop and I’m falling for you.
The year is 2219
A dishevelled white haired man crosses the desert that was once the English Channel from the United Kingdom of England to visit the capital of the Eurasian Empire in Brussels. As has been the case for 200 years, he delivers an unsigned letter and returns home, only to repeat the process again the next year. The true meaning of the ritual is lost in the annals of history but many believe it goes back to the days of a mythical quest they called Brexit.
What was wrong with the deer’s smile?
He had buck teeth.
Know what kind of cookies rich people love? Fortune cookies.
Tropic like it's hot.
The soup was busy and preoccupied. He was stewing over something his friend said.
“They say that there can never be two snowflakes that are exactly alike, but has anyone checked lately?”
– Terry Pratchett
What is a Jedi electrician’s favorite tool? His lightsaber”
What kind of music are balloons afraid of? Pop Music.
What is the best day to go to the beach? Sunday, of course!
"I want to do with you what spring does with the cherry trees."
― Pablo Neruda, Twenty Love Poems and A Song of Despair
What breed of dog will laugh at any joke?
A Chi-ha-ha
“Anorexia is a disease not a fashion statement.”
Brooke
What does it do before it rains candy? It sprinkles! What do you call dancing chocolate bar? Nestle Crunk bar.
What’s a potato’s least favorite dance? The Mash Potato.
“People that cheat on their taxes truly disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 27 dependents in.”
How could I dance with another. When I saw you standing there.
I met a girl in a vegetarian restaurant who said she recognized me, but I have literally never seen herbivore.
Will glass coffins ever become popular?
This remains to be seen.
Why is the world so diverse? Because it contains alkynes of people.
Why are people buying so much toilet paper because of the corona virus?
Because when one person sneezes, 100 people shit themselves.
“Summer vacation: where you drink triple, see double and act single.”
One day a apple saw a banana without its peel. The apple asked banana, where is your peel? He replied, people are always taking off my clothes.
What did the dough say after half an hour in the oven?
I’m bready.
Why did the beaver stop cutting down trees?
The work gave him gnawsea
I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.
Can I borrow your cell phone? I need to call animal control cause I just saw a fox!
I think I found my perfect match
I hope you're good at catching cause I'm starting to fall for you.
I went to a mansion but everyone had bad etiquette.
It was a Bad Manor.
What do you call the leader of a biology gang?
The Nucleboss.
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