What did Sherlock Holmes say when he caught the Christmas tree bandit? It was elemen-tree, my dear Watt-son.
What did the married deer couple say to each other? I love you deer-ly!
I can’t remember who it’s by, but you could have “It Started With A Hershey’s Kiss”.
Why are wooden hard drives so bad?
They're all bark and no byte.
“I have such an ego ’cause I’m a double Leo. I can’t let go of me, you know, so it’s very difficult for me to be somebody else and not me. I’m so into me.”
— Paul Mooney
How can you tell which rabbits are getting old? Look for the grey hares.
Why did the witch go to the doctor?
She had a dizzy spell.
How are snow boards and vacuum cleaners alike?
Both have dirt bags on board.
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
How I wonder what you are.
Leaking oil every day
Having it your own way.
Going up hills real slow
I don’t want you any mo’.
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
Boy, what a lemon you are.
(Cecilia L. Goodbody)
Spring is the perfect time to turn over a new leaf.
I recently met a musical group of pirates.
They called themselves A-Band-On-Ship.
What do you call a Vegetarian with diarrhea? A Salad Shooter.
What do you call 144 kangaroos in a box?
Gross.
What do potatoes become when they smoke weed?
Baked potatoes.
Where do elves vote?
The North Poll.
What is a skeleton’s favorite plant?
A bone-zai tree.
Babe, are you Spotify? Because I would pay premium to spend uninterrupted time with you.
Corona virus is just like pasta.
The Chinese invented it but the Italians will spread it all over the world.
Took the family on a whitewater rafting trip, and first time we came to a sudden descent in the river, we lost everything...
That was just one of the downfalls!
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
It’s so cold I walk to school with a toaster in my pants.
“Winter blues are cured every time with a potato gratin paired with a roast chicken.”
– Alexandra Guarnaschelli
What type of dog can use a phone?
A dial-matian.
Ok, so if the Corona Virus isn't about beer, why do I keep hearing about cases of it?
Read a story about two people who stole cars driving into each other.
Must have been Bonnie and Collide
“Driving is boring,” Rabbit pontificates, “but it’s what we do. Most of American life is driving somewhere and then driving back wondering why the hell you went.”
– John Updike
Do you know what's on the menu tonight, girl?
Me 'n' U.
I wasn’t sure if I ordered enough tacos from Taco Bell.
So I got a just in quesadilla.
“The first 40 years of life give us the text; the next 30 supply the commentary on it.” – Arthur Schopenhauer
Why do astronomers put beef in their shampoo?
For meatier showers.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Lego
Lego who?
Lego of me and I'll tell you!
Claude Pepper
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
Which is the fanciest onion? A cocktail onion.
Why was the beaver not arrested when he jumped into the Nile? Because he was a juve'nile.
I always have a ball with you.
There are 2 unwritten rules for a successful marriage.
1: . 2: .
I want to play my match outdoors so I can hit the ball higher in the air. I’m not good at persuading people, so I’m going to hire a lob-byist.
Can anyone advise me what color my hair is?
I find it's a bit of a grey area.
I gave my wife a lamp for our anniversary.
Someone’s getting LED tonight.
When your putt lips out, what disease do you have?
Liprocy.
What do you call a pig that gets the test answer wrong? Mistaken bacon.
I told my parents I wanted to raise goats for a living, but I was only kidding.
Why don’t elephants go to the beach?
Because their trunks always fall down.
Why don't orphans make good baseball players?
Because they don't know where home is.
Why can't a pirate count Roman numerals?
They got lost at C
"True friends don’t judge each other. They judge other people together."
— Emilie Saint-Genis
Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado!
“How are you? ” “Well, I yam fried”
What is a three toed sloth's favorite kind of chip?
Fritos.
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