Where do recluses live in Spain?
Barceloner.
Summer's over; it's time to chill.
Your Bosons are giving me a Hadron.
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
Can I have your number so I can call when I need a ride to your heart?
Me and my friend were going to a costume party. He told me he was coming as a small island off the coast of Italy.
I said don’t be Sicily.
Which athlete wrote the book, Jumping for Exercize?
Lee Ping.
I brought a new vacuum cleaner.
It sucks.
BREAKING: The United States, after mistaking it for an Iranian submarine, has struck a utility submarine with an underwater torpedo that was en route to displace the shipping carrier blocking the Suez Canal, killing all 169 aboard
whoops wrong sub
R.I.P boiled water. You will be mist
My football teammate asked me, “On a scale of 1-10, how do you rate our after-victory celebration?”
I gave him a high five.
My neighbor was walking across the street while carrying the game Scrabble then suddenly dropped it, leaving the game board and pieces on the ground.
I said: “Hey Jeff! What’s the word on the street?”
Hay girl, I'd like to have a stable relationship with you!
What’s the difference between a greyhound station and a lobster with a boob job?
One’s a crusty bus-station, the other’s a busty crustacean.
Rain doesn’t fall. Raindrops.
The color of the sky can help in predicting the weather. It gives a fair report of the hue-midity.
Why was the broom late? It over swept!
I told my doctor I was paranoid my life was being filmed.
He told me to take one, action.
My love for you is like a Trojan Horse, it’ll sneak up on you when you least expect it.
I loaf you.
"Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches." - V.L. Allineare
How do you stop a werewolf attacking you?
Throw a stick and shout “Fetch.”
What did parietal say to frontal?
"I lobe you."
Why did the electrical cords break up?
There was no spark between them.
I have bean thinking about you.
I'm on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.
"When reality and dreams collide, typically it’s just your alarm clock going off.”
— Crystal Woods
Hey baby, are you the Earth? Because all things are attracted to you...
You are my belongingness to my Maslow's Humanistic Theory based on the Hierarchy of needs.
I'm sorry I wasn't around in the past. Can I be part of your future?
Do you want to be my doubles partner...for life?
Look into my compound eyes and say you'll eat our young.
Mum said I would never be able to make a bicycle out of spaghetti
Well I did, and you should’ve seen her face when I rode pasta
I'm like a Christmas present - you'll love waking up to me in the morning.
There was an Old Man with a poker,
Who painted his face with red oker
When they said, 'You're a Guy!'
He made no reply,
But knocked them all down with his poker.
What kind of whale can fly?
A Pilot whale.
There was an Old Man who supposed,
That the street door was partially closed;
But some very large rats,
Ate his coats and his hats,
While that futile old gentleman dozed.
What do ghouls and goblins put on their nachos?
Ghost peppers.
“Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with." ~From a Washington Post word contest
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
I went to a therapy group to help me cope with loneliness, but no one else turned up.
Stewart Francis
Why were there cows on the baseball field?
Because they were looking for the bullpen.
It’s so hot you can pull a leaf off a tree and iron with it.
“It’s a sure sign of summer if the chair gets up when you do.”
-Walter Winchell
I rarely put orange slices in my beer.
Once in a Blue Moon.
Why do zombies speak Latin?
It’s a dead language.
I asked the Korean grocer for something to spice up my meals, but I think I got a raw dill.
Why did the orange get pulled over while driving?
He kept peeling out.
Why does a microwave hum?
Because it doesn't know the words
I just beat my friend in a Wild West themed art race!
I was quicker to the draw.
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