The zombie worked for years to win this prize. He showed real dead-ication.
The perfect name for a sad and morose strawberry is a blueberry.
How do you find a missing train? Follow the tracks
After having learned the history of chess, I have come to the conclusion that all chess players have quite a checkered past.
Did You Hear About The Duck Who Thought He Was a Squirrel?
It was one tough nut to quack.
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor? Because it was feeling crumby!
How did the mushroom end up on a vacation abroad? It was just a spore of the moment decision!
The pool water isn’t very hot but you sure are.
I told my mother moose were falling from the sky.
She said, "It's reindeer."
The rancher's Wifi wasn't working so he moved the router to the barn...
Now he has a stable connection
In the Camel Kingdom, the king and his family live in the Camelot castle.
Which drawing utensil is the fastest?
The e-racer.
Me: "Hello? 911? Emergency! The neighbors house is on fire!"
Dispatcher: "Did you discover the fire?"
Me: "No! Prometheus! but what does he have to do with this?"
What is an elf’s favorite kind of birthday cake?
Shortcake!
When pigs live high on the hog, they run the risk of going into hock.
What did one werewolf say when he saw his friend?
- Howl’s it going?
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
Q: Has your tooth stopped hurting yet?
A: I don't know, the dentist kept it.
A major produce organization is reeling after multiple reports of tainted lettuce.
We may soon witness the falling of the Romaine Empire.
Would you like to upsize your meal and get my number for free today?
How does a bee travel to a tree? They get on the buzz.
I suffer from amnesia. Do I come here often?
"Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?" —George Carlin
My love for you is like cancer, it just keeps growing and growing.
The pirate steals arrrrt when he has the chance.
Tonight, I’m on a hunt for your number.
Last Thanksgiving, I cut my hand with the carving knife so my idiot brother-in-law grabs my bloody wound and starts twisting it. I screamed, “Ouch! What are you doing!!”
He said, “I’m applying a turn-a-cut.”
Why are men se*ier than women? You can't spell se*y without xy. Why are men like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!
What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.
Chuck Norris caught Covid-19 yesterday
The virus is quarantined for two weeks
Life without you would be un-bear-able.
Dracula decided it was time to give his son "the talk"
Dracula: "You see, when two monsters love each other very much, they-"
Son: "They do the mash."
Dracula: *nodding* "They do the monster mash."
All men are afraid of eyelash curlers; I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
Rita Rudner
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
I saw a sign earlier that said, "Free Range Eggs."
I've never heard of Range Eggs before but at least they were free so I took some.
Five fuzzy French frogs Frolicked through the fields in France.
My father was a blind carpenter
until he picked up his hammer and saw.
I imagine eventually there will be a day when we have a WiFi hotspot on Mt. Everest.
Only then will we reach peak internet.
When does it rain brains?
During a brain storm.
"Egg-ceedingly good, wouldn't you say?"
What do chickens call school tests?
Eggs-aminations.
Chuck Norris once stared into the abyss...
It blinked.
Big black bugs bleed blue black blood but baby black bugs bleed blue blood.
It’s a season of giving, so you should give me your phone number.
The church is prayer-conditioned. -- Anonymous
Yesterday, I changed a light bulb, crossed the street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
What happened to the dull knife's application?
It was turned down, he just couldn't make the cut.
How do bats tell their future?
They read their horrors-cope.
What did the zombie pour on her dinner?
Grave-y.
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