How do you comfort a grammar fanatic?
their, there, they're.

Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.

What are your plans tonight? I’ll be free if you’re feeling a little Leo-nly…

What do you call a goat swimming in the sea?
Billy Ocean.

"Grandpa’s Nose"

Grandpa’s nose is rather big
it’s shaped just like a horn
It doesn’t bother Grandpa,
he says that’s how he was born

I’m glad it’s not a ‘pick’ a lo
or a snooty flute
but when people hear him ‘toot’ his nose
they stand up and salute.

– Judy Valko

If you go to Medieval Times and watch the jousts, there is a sir charge.

Are you a keyboard ? Because you are my type.

Did you hear about the 2 Tow Truck drivers who wanted to elope?
They got hitched.

Are you a flower? Because I fell in love with you once and floral.

“The road to success is always under construction.”

Packing is my expertise. So, I can easily fit into your heart.

What do you call a storm that's raining cats and dogs?
A furricane

How does a suit put his child into bed?

He tux him in.

My Chinese neighbour said he's just opened a crows shop.
Speaking slowly, I said "you mean a *clothes* shop?"
He says, "No, a crows shop - come in and have a rook."

Why can't Bill Clinton go scuba diving?
He won't inhale.

“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”

- Ed Asner.

Do you know what'd look good on you? Me.

Most of the fruits usually drink their juice with a straw-berry.

How do you find out how heavy a whale is?
Take them to a whale-weigh station.

My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back

Why did the Mexican take Xanax?
For hispanic attacks.

Chuck Norris' keyboard doesn't have a Ctrl key, because nothing controls Chuck Norris.

“A party without a cake is really just a meeting.”
― Julia Child

Join us for a slice of fun.

What was the skeleton’s favorite Christmas candy?
Bone-bone.

Charles Dickens might have given you Great Expectations, but I can meet them.

“Undermine the entire economic structure of society by leaving the pay toilet door ajar so the next person can get in free.” - Taylor Meade

"I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity." - Edgar Allen Poe

Why did the Mexican train robber rob the train?
Because he had a loco-motive.

What is a cat’s favorite kitchen tool? The whisk-er.

A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"

There was a knock at my door as I paced the hall floor, and I knew, without looking, who I'd meet,
There'd be goblins and witches and zombies with stitches, and they'd joyfully cry out, Trick or Treat!
They'd expect sugar candy and plums soaked in brandy, and cake that I'd pull from my stash,
Peanuts and sweeties and pumpkin-shaped wheaties, plus a ready supply of hard cash.

And like a Biblical flood, they'd be dripping in blood, and they'd tramp it all into my rug,
And it's safe to surmise, that their Halloween guise, will have run up some change for some mug.
So I yell through my 'box, be gone, you're a pox, I have not got sweets for to give,
But they said, listen, you git, we don't give a shit, get some in if you'd like for to live.

But I didn't feel threatened by these juvenile cretins, and I told them, be off, bug the next street,
But they whispered, no dice, now are you going to play nice, and cough-up our Halloween treat?
I said, enough is enough, I was in a real h

Where do otters keep their money? In the river bank!

“What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Snowflakes.”

What various kinds of fishes live in space? Starfish.

You may look a little older,
Sadly youth doesn't come cheap,
So skip all those Botox parties,
And just get your beauty sleep.

Be glad you're young at heart,
And still look as good as gold,
Too bad you're not a millionaire,
And can't put your looks on hold.

(Kevin Nishmas)

Wino Woe: Forgive me, for I have zinned!

I'm reading a book about a sadistic evil man who attaches ridges from boat hulls to his victims.
He's a mad keeler.

Who’s the patron saint of poverty?
St. Nickeless.

What do ghouls say to each other before heading out for Halloween?
May the ghouls be with you!

I came across a man who was eating strawberries at the bank. He told me he wanted to eat rich food.

“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman

My dad got me a clone of myself for my birthday...
He said “Here, it’s faux you!”

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

Q: Why can’t oranges be pirates?
A: They don’t get scurvy.

“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”—Henny Youngman

How do French skeletons say hello?
- Bone-jour!

What kind of magazines would the planets prefer to read? Cosmos.

You must put a lot of spices in your food because you look smoking hot.

Why don't skeletons play baseball?
Because they don't have the heart for it.