What do you call a witch who drives badly?
A road hag.

Ireland you money, if you’ll pay me back.

"Aries people pick up steam while everyone else is running out of gas."
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk

What trees do ghouls like best?
Ceme-trees!

Your name must be Calculus Homework, because I have no interest in doing you.

My love for you sprouts more and more everyday!

Can i give you a kiss? If you don’t like it, you can return it.

R.I.P boiled water. You will be mist

“I am convinced digestion is the great secret to life.”
Sydney Smith

“I thought about losing weight once, but I don’t like losing.”
― Unknown

What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.

Why are owls so good at math?
They excel at owlgebra.

You make the Queen of Sheba look like a hobo.

With me with you, anywhere becomes the perfect Champ-site.

“A well-trained dog will make no attempt to share your lunch. He will just make you feel so guilty that you cannot enjoy it.”—Helen Thomson

My moment in the sun.

What do you call a fruit that cannot get married?
A cantelope.

Hey girl, my gold medal might be shiny but it looks like a dull penny compared to that sparkle in your eyes

If H20 is in the inside of a fire hydrant, what's on the outside ?
K9P.

I'm glad there's freedom of religion because I worship you.

Why did the dog cross the road twice?
He was playing Fetch with a boomerang.

Do you comma here often?

What did the scientist’s cat say? I think I’ve lost an electron, I’m pawsitive!

There once was a girl named Sue.
She came down with the case of the flu.
She let out a sigh,
"My temperature is high,
what ever shall I do?
Oh my! Oh my!
I think I will die.
What ever shall I do?"

So, she stumbled out of bed.
"I know I'll take some meds.
If this the flu,
I take an aspirin or two.
Then I'll drink some broth and some juice.
Oh my! Oh my!"
she began to cry.
"I think this is acute."

So, she grumbled back to bed
and pulled the covers over her head.
She let out a sneeze,
a cough and a wheeze.
"Won't someone help me, please?
Oh my! Oh my!
Will I survive
the case of the crazy flu?"

So, she finally fell asleep.
She slept and slept for a week.
She tossed and turned,
her symptoms have passed.
Her temperature normal at last.
"Oh my! Oh my!
I think I survived
this case of the crazy flu."

My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
"...a TOE TRUCK!!??"

Last night I was but by a bloodsucker from the moon.
Damn lunatics.

Why can’t dishwashers do parallel dancing?
They’re never in sink.

How did the baby tell her mom that she had a wet diaper?
She sent her a pee-mail.

I would ask for Netflix and Chill, but you look like you are into more interactive stories.

A strawberry screamed at the other, "Were it not that ripe, we wouldn't have ended up in this jam."

"There can be no taxation without misrepresentation."
— J.B. Handelsman

My doctor says I should get my ears cleaned every 12 months.
I think he means ear-ly.

Why does Foghorn Leghorn take it slow when April rolls around?
Because he’s no spring chicken!

"If I hold a can of soda up to my ear and listen carefully, I can hear my bones pleading for a glass of milk."
– Bridger Winegar

What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano? I really lava you!

Where did the computer go to dance? To a disc-o.

Haikus confuse me
Too often they make no sense
hand me the pliers.

My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.

(Unknown)

Can I borrow your cell phone? I need to call animal control cause I just saw a fox!

I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.

“Don’t believe everything fortune cookies tell you. Just because they’re sweet doesn’t mean they’re right.”
― Unknown

Hey baby, wanna witness a gamma ray burst?

What did the gorilla say after spending one month at te gym?
Geez, gain a little muscle mass, and everybody acuses you of steroids. As if eating too many bananas wasn't dopey enough!

Two fish were swimming in a stream when it began to rain.
One fish said, “Quick, let’s swim under that bridge, otherwise we will get wet!”

Why did the pirate captain want to hire a baseball player?
He knew he had a chest protector.

How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.

Fall arrives, and all hell bakes loose.

I just had the most manly craft beer at my Israeli restaurant.
It was called He-Brew.

If a police officer pulls a U-Haul truck over...
did he just bust a move?

Why shouldn't you marry a tennis player? Because love means nothing to them.