If I was an enzyme, I'd be helicase so I could unzip your genes.
What do you call it when Satan steals your guacamole?
Playing Devil’s Avocado.
Why can’t you trust snakes?
They speak with forked tongues.
They fired the loaf of bread from her job. They say that she kept breaking down and would rye on the job.
Hey Girl are you my checked in luggage? 'Cause I’d wait an eternity for you at the airport.
Hurricane Irene is a Category 3, but if it had your name it be a perfect 10.
What do you get if you cross a bat with a woodpecker?
Bat-a-tat.
What's an inmates favorite food? Cellery.
What do you call a glove combined with a snake?
Smitten.
Why do squirrels like to sit on telephone poles?
To stay away from the nuts on the ground.
How do you fix a broken pizza?
With tomato paste.
What does a horse do when it smells rotten seafood?
It scallops outta there.
What is yellow and goes bzzzzzz? An electric banana.
What do you call it when a beautiful woman tries to trick you into giving her a pig?
A bae con.
Why do math teachers make good dancers?
Because they have algorithm.
What do you call a grilled cheese sandwich that's all up in your face? Too close for comfort food.
I know your name is Savan-nah, but if I asked you out to drinks, could that be a Savan-yeah?
Your treat or mine?
“It’s a funny feeling to work with people who you consider your colleagues and to realize that they actually are young enough to be your children."
~ Alan Alda
What do you get when a dinosaur walks through the strawberry patch? Strawberry jam.
I tried to hit the picture cleanly over the fence, but it was framed.
Are your legs tired from spinning, or because you've been running through my mind all day?
When it comes to getting things done, my work ethic is like lightning.
I take the path of least resistance.
What kind of phone does a burglar use?
A no-key-a.
What do you call an obnoxious reindeer? RUDEolph.
One blender turns to the one next to it and says "You're looking exceptionally good today!"
So the other replies, "You're such a smoothie talker"
I wouldn't say I liked the documentary that I had watched on the history of WD-40. It was non-friction.
I want to stick to you like glucose.
There was an Old Man of Bohemia,
Whose daughter was christened Euphemia,
Till one day, to his grief,
She married a thief,
Which grieved that Old Man of Bohemia.
What does the witch do on her birthday?
She spellabrates.
Why did the mother cow give the sleepy baby cow a hammer?
He wanted her to hit the hay.
You are my raisin to smile.
Why do flamingos make bad pets? They are too much of a birden.
I’m feelin’ green.
Red lorry, yellow lorry.
After checking my poor results, the art teacher shouted, "Never in a vermilion years have I seen such poor grades"!
Why did the teapot get in trouble? Because he was Naught-Tea.
What did the Atlantic Ocean say to the Pacific Ocean? Nothing, oceans don't talk they just wave!
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
Man in a cinema watching a cowboy film.
A stagecoach pulls up, man 1 turns to his neighbour and says "I bet you a tenner that the first cowboy bangs his head on the doorframe." Man 2 accepts the bet. The first guy out banged his head so man 2 pays up.
Man 1 feels guilty and gives back the tenner, says "I'm sorry, I saw this film last week, it made me feel bad taking your money."
Man 2 says "So did I, but I didn't think he'd be daft enough to do it again."
Be-leaf me, you look great in green.
What it is it called if you refuse to go running today?
Resistance Training!
Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He decides what time it is.
What’s a pizza maker’s favorite song?
Slice, Slice Baby
Who did the ghost invite to his party? Any old friend he could dig up.
If you are wondering about a peach's favorite video game, well it's definitely 'Super Princess Peach'.
The time has come to pop the question,
Will you spend your life me?
And before you answer, I want you to know,
A “yes” comes with a shopping spree!
(Unknown)
The clients who buy from our gardening store are grass-ured that the artificial lawn grass would not lose its color with use.
Moisturiser is good for your skin...
Let that sink in.
“Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.” - Larry Lorenzon
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