Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
I dare you to lie that you didn’t find all these space puns hilarious. Th
I bought a really small cow last week. I really wanted to try condensed milk.
What do you sing to cows on their birthdays?
Happy birthday to moo…
Good work, we’re raising your annual celery
My friend told me all about his friend's girlfriend who was playing saxophone.
Apparently she was a saxy lady.
Why was the skeleton afraid of the dog?
Because dogs love bones.
"When we put vegetables up for the winter, we use jars, but we call it canning. I find that jarring. And uncanny."
– Greg Tamblyn
If you think it's hard to meet new people, pick up the wrong golf ball on the course sometimes.
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
Where do ghosts go trick or treating? Dead ends.
Shoe laces.
Must attack at once.
Didn't know that was you.
Why are penguins good race drivers?
Because they’re always in the pole position.
Who goes to the bathroom in the middle of a party? A party pooper.
I'm not a very good swimmer, do you have any lifeguard experience?
On Thanksgiving dinner, most of us turn into hipsters.
We all go out of our way to eat the turkey before it is cool.
Are you religious?
Because your prayers have just been answered.
What would you get if you'd put a lawyer in a suit? A lawsuit.
What did the right hemisphere say to the left hemisphere when they could not agree on anything?
Let's split.
The reason the cow wore a bell around her neck was because her horn didn’t work anymore.
What’s the difference between a guitar and a fish?
You can tune a guitar but you can’t tunafish.
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
I took a blood test today
It was easy. I got A+, and I didn't even have to study!
I hate going to the doctor because all he does is suck blood from my neck.
Do NOT go see Dr. Acula!
I like my matches like my tennis balls: Pressureless.
You spilled your entire cup of coffee? What's sumatra with you?
One day on the highway, I saw a packet of onions and cheese walking down the road. When I offered them a lift, they declined by saying that they were 'Walkers'.
"Love is blind; friendship tries not to notice."
— Otto von Bismarck
What do penguins sing at a birthday party?
Freeze a Jolly Good Fellow.
Five frantic frogs fled from fifty fierce fishes.
When do you serve tofu turkey? Pranksgiving
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
A young boy and his dad laid on the grass, looking at the sky. The boy asked, "Dad, will you teach me about the sky?"
The dad replied, "Son, it's way over your head."
What has more lives than a cat?
A frog because it croaks every night.
I have successfully managed to synthesize a protein that makes two people fall in love. Do you want to try it?
Why do Swedish battleships have barcodes printed on the sides?
So that when they return to port they can scandinavyin.
My software never has bugs.
It just develops random features.
I heard they just opened up a new Lego store. Let's see if we can't build something together!
You have been running through my mind all day.
Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water. Expecting that one to end a little differently, too? If you’re unfamiliar, this is the (rather dark) way that joke usually ends. Plus, check out some more brainy and hilarious science jokes.
How do you catch a rich squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a cashew.
I expected a call last night, so I slept with my phone under my pillow.
When I woke up it was gone, and there was a dollar coin in its place?!
Must have been the Bluetooth Fairy...
How do you kill a salad? You go for the carrot-id artery.
Why do bees hum?
Because they don't know the words.
What do you get when you mix a sheep and a kangaroo
A wooly jumper
What does a cat say when it gets injured? MeOWWW!
Crooked teeth are criminal!
Luckily a few years behind bars usually straightens them out.
Baby if you were a burger at McDonalds you would be a McGorgeous.
I am a jogger, but date me and I will never run away from you.
Checked into a hotel and was offered the black & white or the rainbow room. I chose the rainbow one as I like a room with a hue.
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