Chuck Norris invented airplanes because he was tired of being the only person that could fly.
Did you hear about the egg laden rabbit who jumps off bridges? He’s the Easter Bungee!
If beauty were time, you'd be an eternity.
Excuse me madan, could you help me? My hands ar so heavy. Could you hold them for me?
What is the Easter Bunny's favorite drinking game?
Hop Scotch.
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
I took one Luca at you and I honestly couldn’t resist
I almost got in trouble because I tried to talk to someone in the same room as me over the phone...
...It was a close call.
What did the bat say when she was invited to dinner?
No, fangs. I just ate.
“A day without laughter is a day wasted.”
Charlie Chaplin
When I was young, my dad used to throw quarters at my head whenever I acted up.
He said, “Maybe this’ll knock some scents into you.”
Once upon a Halloween night,
A coven of witches took flight;
They went to the UN;
Added an “F” to UN.,
From then on the world’s future was more bright.
When Napoleon is indecisive, he is torn-apart-e.
What do potatoes become when they smoke weed?
Baked potatoes.
Why are crows so interesting?
Just beCAWse
“I am patient with stupidity but not with those who are proud of it.”
- Edith Sitwell
“Driving at night is about communicating with lights.”
— Lukhman Pambra
It's getting hard to zinc of new science puns because so many of them argon.
It’s so hot chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs.
Because they got turtle recall, turtles never forget.
What do you call it when you plant a tree at each corner of a house?
A fourest.
How did the egg get up the hill?
It scrambled up.
Why doesn’t anyone like to hang out with crackers?
Someone always cuts the cheese.
What do you call a snowman on rollerblades?
A snowmobile.
When it comes to getting things done, my work ethic is like lightning.
I take the path of least resistance.
Let’s spend some koala-ty time with each other.
When a planet dies, does it get an orbituary?
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
What did the Italian marine Biologist say when asked to identify an eel?
That's a moray!
I keep scores of my favorite iceboxes.
They're my refrigeRATINGS.
When is it appropriate to sleep in a bathtub?
When you're feeling drained.
Why did the pianist quit playing the piano?
Bad Bach.
Are you a chocolate cake? I’m craving something sweet.
Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7, 8.
I hope the only things that blow are candles and balloons. Have a great birthday!
What can't cows stand on their hind legs?
Because they lactose.
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?
Attempted Hummus-ide.
"Little Boy Blue"
Little Boy Blue, please cover your nose.
You sneezed on Miss Muffet and ruined her clothes.
You sprayed Mother Hubbard, and now she is sick.
You put out the fire on Jack’s candlestick.
Your sneeze is the reason why Humpty fell down.
You drenched Yankee Doodle when he came to town.
The blind mice are angry! The sheep are upset!
From now on, use a tissue so no one gets wet!
– Darren Sardelli
If I had a nickel for every time I gave someone my two cents...
I'd have 60% gross margins.
Whats the first day of the week called in outer space?
Moonday.
Medieval Kings and Queens were afraid of the rain in the middle ages because the rain would storm the castle.
For instant fun, just add water.
I was testing the speaker phone on the intercom on our landline with my father yesterday.
It started to make that annoying noise. My old man said it was too close to call.
“Fond of doctors, little health, Fond of lawyers, little wealth.”
Proverb
What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.
What do you do when your dog chews a dictionary?
Take the words out of his mouth.
What is the name of the device that the king uses to control the moat around his castle? A remoat control.
Soft fruit is not always the best at doing research. They aren’t very thorough; they tend to cherry pick information.
My skeleton girlfriend dumped me the other day. She had the hottest spine I have ever seen.
I just want her back.
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