Why does it take a while before a peach leaves a fruit basket? They have to give a goodbye peach first.

"Did You Notice"

Did you notice I remembered to put the seat down?
And that I washed all the dishes last night?
Were you aware of how attentive I was,
When you came home in such a fright?
You may have noticed; I’m doing so well,
Listening to all the things you request.
I’m adapting myself and becoming a better man,
I even massage you when you are stressed.
Remember the day I took the trash out,
And wiped down the counter so well?
If you’ll recall I made breakfast in bed,
I’m trying so hard, can’t you tell?
And just in case you hadn’t noticed,
This poem is especially for you.
And if you don’t like it, my darling angel,
Well, sorry, there’s just nothing I can do.

What kind of evidence can a donut not take to trial?
Anecdoughtal evidence.

When are you due back in heaven?

"I intend to live forever, or die trying."

Two racquets started dating. Unfortunately, one was stringing the other along without any intention of tying the knot.

What kind of music did the pilgrims listen to?
Plymouth Rock!

Where does a ghost go on vacation? Mali-boo.

“Work is a necessity for man. Man invented the alarm clock."
~ Pablo Picasso

Why do gnomes laugh when they play football?
Because the grass tickles their armpits.

Just like Evan, this match is also the cure

If I don’t make it to heaven, at least I know what hell feels like with this heat!”
― April Mae Monterrosa

Chef Throws His Heart Into Helping Feed The Needy

(While she’s leaving) "Hey, aren’t you forgetting something?"
Girl: "What?"
"Me."

Ever wonder what's happening under Orion's belt?

“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly

I know Benjamin Franklin.

Your treat or mine?

“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
– George Carlin

"Family Vacation (n.) A time for you to remember why your family never spends any time together."

Why did the girl put lipstick on her forehead?
She needed to makeup her mind!

I always invite the mushroom to my party because he is such a fun-guy.

Are you Darth Vader, because I wouldn't mind if you used a little force to choke me.

Are you related to the sun? Because running into you just brightened up my day!

What’s the easiest way to catch a turkey?

Ask a friend to toss one at you.

Napoleon conquered too much lang because he had too little Toulouse.

What do you call a noisy group of crows?
A caw-cophony!

Why did we get sunglasses for you?
Well, we know what is true.
When the candles on your cake are lit
It will be bright we will admit.

(Theodore Higgingsworth)

What do you call a hospital ward full of epeliptic vegetables?
Seizure salad

I caught my sister click and post a picture of the soupy noodles yesterday. She was actively instagramen.

I love a joke about the eyes.
The cornea the better.

How do spiders communicate? Through the World Wide Web.

Recently I visited Germany. I hated everything in there. The people, the history, the language. But, oh god, the smell.
It was the wurst.

What is the most sophisticated class of bread?
The upper crust.

I can’t remember my number. Can I please have yours instead?

I heard the King of spain caught Covid...
Heard he tested positive while on his plane going somewhere, now he has to quarantine there.

So the Reign in Spain remains solely on the Plane.

How do two cherries make up after an argument? They cherry the hatchet.

Everyone knows the Italians invented pizza but few know that it was perfected by French rebels in nazi occupied France during WWII.
It was the pizza de resistance.

Anybody who can complete tasks atop the surface of their lower kitchen cabinets is...
counter productive.

Take a page from the book and leaf.

I met him yesterday, he was on his way to meet the counselor for a peach therapy session.

How do you get a Minecraft themed party started? Let them eat cake.

Why do Dachshunds nap in the sun?
Because they’re hot dogs.

I was at a party last night, waiting my turn to get to the punch bowl.
Everyone was being very polite, patient and not barging in. I thought to myself, "At last...
a decent punchline"

“I got to go home for Thanksgiving and sit at the adults’ table. That’s ’cause, you know, somebody had to die for me to move up a plate.” —Andre Kelley

What is a snake’s favorite subject in school?
Hisstory.

“I don’t have a lot of friends but I have the best friends because I choose quality over quantity.”
— Unknown

Roses are red. Bromothymol is blue. My love for you doesn’t have an endpoint.

You're a beluga in this sea of cod.

When I arrived onset on a cloudy, dreary day, too many actors had been hired for the small part...
It was overcast.