Did you expect to laugh at puns?
No, but they've groan on me!
Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now, let's try it again. Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "No, SIR!"
The police have been interrogating the walnut for several mi-nuts now. It’s a tough nut to crack!
Why do worms hate graveyards?
They keep bumping into skeletons!
What did the kitten do when she wanted to order something? She looked in the cat-alog!
You raise the bar.
Excuse me, I just farted over there. Can I stand here with you?
Sister Mary the New York nun
Came to visit one time just for fun
Mom discovered too late
She’d made a mistake
And sauced my great aunt with some rum.
What do you call an illegally parked frog? Toad.
We may be two ships that pass in the night, but I must have your number before you Ceylon.
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
What did the deer say to each other when they were trying to solve a difficult problem? This is such a deer-lemma!
Flamingos are great to go out with, because they all party like flock stars.
What do we call a beautiful picture drawn by a peach artist? – It is a great peach of work.
What kind of cheese protects a castle?
Moat-zarella.
After a long March, April always puts a little spring in my step.
What’s the best pick up line for someone you meet in a steak restaurant? “Nice to meat you”, of course.”
What to spiders eat in Paris?
French flies.
I know the difference between "less" and "fewer," but don't worry, you won't have to ask me for either of them.
Are you a brand new racing suit? Because you make me forget how to breathe.
How did the corn farmer get to be so successful?
He corn-ered the market!
Did you know there were vegetarians in Medieval Europe?
More often than not, they were called "peasants"
Roses are red
violets are blue.
You may not know this but
I’m falling for you.
“Fact. Pisces is the most wobbly sign of the zodiac.”
— Mary English
It’s allergy season again?! You’ve got to be pollen my leg.
You don't know jack-o-lantern
I just found out what animal’s been getting into my avocado plants...
It was a guaca-mole.
What happens when two coffee lovers disagree on their favorite roast? It turns into a heated debate.
When an unripe strawberry saw the ripe strawberry, it went green with envy.
When the egg saw the pan, it was terri-fried.
I'll put a tear drop in the ocean. When you find it is when I'll stop loving you.
“Winter is nature’s way of saying, ‘Up yours.’”
"If it's meant to be it's meant to be....but just to be clear it isn't."
I am so dedicated to basketball, but I promise you I will bring that dedication to our relationship.
I wonder if you can help me? I seem to be suffering from a lack of Vitamin U.
Do scientists who study the sun have a flare for research?
It's pretty obvious, that if you run in front of a moving car, you will get tired. But if you run behind it..
..do you just get exhausted ?
I want an almond flavoured biscuit. Amaretti? You bet I am.
It’s so cold the anticipation of waiting for my ketchup to come out of the bottle lasted three months.
What do you call a crazy blood-sucking parasite?
A lunatick!
Do you beer-lieve in magic?
How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.
My friend who's a vampire was feeling a bit low. I told him to drink B positive.
Where do geologists like to relax? In a rocking chair Why are geologists good at stand up comedy? They know really dirty jokes.
I do not like lotion at all.
It really gets under my skin.
What is the collective noun for cars?
Pack of cars.
How do you catch an elephant?
Act like a peanut.
Why did the teacher use the evolution of Thor in viking mythology to teach both literature and Northern European history in her class?
She wanted to demonstrate using a Meta-Thor.
My hypothalamus must be secreting serotonin right now because you’re making me happy!
My Karate teacher is getting a divorce.
He is a great Sensei, but he's not very skilled at the marital arts.
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