Jack has a large neck so he decided to wear a bowtie to his wedding. Otherwise, he’d end up with a tiebreak.
What do yuppie sharks like to drink?
Jaw-va.
I was attacked by a group of mimes.
They did unspeakable things to me.
What do you call an immature goat?
A silly billy.
I want you. I knead you.
You're riding a horse full speed, there's a giraffe beside you, and you're being chase by a lion.
What do you do?
Get your drunk butt off the carousel.
What is the musical part of a snake?
The scales.
Why can't chefs play baseball? They always get caught trying to steal a basil.
What do you call a boy and girl playing blues music? The battle of the saxes.
The last time I saw a body like yours, I was burying it in my basement.
Dinosaurs represent our relationship, because they both don’t exist anymore.”
Why did the acid go to the gym?
It wanted to become a buffer solution.
Autos killing 110 a day, let's resolve to do better
You're a Catch Worthy of a Gold Glove
If I had a nickel for every time someone called me young...
I could buy a lollipop.
Are you from the U.K.? Because I want U, K?
The crowd had filled up the venue and everyone was waiting for the bowling alley to open. Finally, they got the ball rolling.
Why did the guy decide not to donate a dime to any charity raising funds for a marathon?
Because they just take the money and run.
What do you call a Pharaoh playing a trumpet?
Tooting’khamun
Two skeletons are talking in a bar.
Skeleton 1: "Are you going to the funeral tomorrow?"
Skeleton 2: “Of corpse I am.”
“Every man is a d*** fool for at least five minutes every day; wisdom consists in not exceeding the limit.”
― Elbert Hubbard
You must be regulated by the FDA because you treat, cure, and prevent my broken heart.
What do we get when we cross a Christmas tree with an apple? We will have a pine – apple!
“I probably wouldn’t kill so many houseplants if they could scream for food and water the way my pets and children do.”
— Anonymous
6:30 is hands down the best time on a clock
“There should be a rule against people trying to be funny before the sun comes up.”
– Kristen Chandler
Man says to his boss, "Can we talk? I have a problem."
Boss: "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!"
Man: "Ok, I have a serious drinking opportunity."
If you were a fruit you'd be a fineapple.
I can't imagine the stress put on the workers in trying to figure out the newest flu vaccine...
It probably puts a strain on the staff.
Do you have a name you want me to save you as on my phone or should I just put 'mine'?
Remember when nearly sixteen,
On your very first date as a teen.
At the movies? If yes,
Then I bet you can't guess,
What was shown on the cinema screen.
What drug is illegal in the ocean
Sea weed
Why did the donut go to the dentist? It needed a filling!"
Why don’t crabs donate to charity?
Because they’re shellfish
My chair finally broke down yesterday.
It just doesn't give a sit anymore.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
Point me to the nearest bar.
What do you call an epileptic in a vegetable garden Seizure salad
It’s so hot I discovered my seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.
My hair was acting crazy so I told it to comb down.
Hospitals Are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors
I got fired from my job as a taxi driver.
It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.
What did the paprika tell the salt around Christmas?
Seasonings greetings.
I'm a man without a country. Can I be a citizen of you?
What do you call a Spanish pig?
Porque.
What do cows sing at their friend’s birthday parties?
“Happy Birthday to MOO, Happy Birthday to Moo!"
What did the mushroom say after the car accident? Help I’m a truffle!
Dad: "Knock, knock!"
Kid: "Who's there?"
Dad: Spell!
Kid: Spell who?
Dad: W... H... O...
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.”
– Prince Philip
What kind of makeup do zombies wear?
Mas-scare-a.
Why did the two 4’s skip lunch?
They already 8!
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