Why did the wheel act so bossy? Cause he was the "Big Cheese."
This may be cheesy, but I think you're grate.
If I got a star for every time I thought of you, I would have a whole galaxy.
Pardon me if I’m being pool-itically incorrect.
Did you hear about that show that tests the listening skills of vegetables?
Its tests the ears of its corn-testants.
I was fired from an insect repellent company for being dyslexic, so I smashed all their computers.
There’s no files on me.
Are you my favorite book? Because when I think about you I touch my shelf.
How many mosquito's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only 2, no idea how they got there.
It's true what they say about scaring vampires with a torch.
You can see it in their fright of light response.
Are you Ebala? Because you melt my insides.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
The Opportunist.
What do you call a reindeer ghost? A cari-boo!
Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject.
Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
The last one to the top of the mountain has to buy dinner.
All the jingle ladies, all the jingle ladies.
Apart from being a running gear model, what do you do for a living?
How do you hide a $100 bill from a televangelist?
Place it in their bible.
Have you heard of the garlic diet? You don't lose much weight, but from a distance your friends think you look thinner!
What do French cars wear as hats?
Bonnets.
Hey, I just got my flight number. I'm just missing your phone number.
England doesn't have a kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
“People teach their dog to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”—Mitch Hedberg
“The happiness of the bee and the dolphin is to exist. For man, it is to know that and to wonder at it.”
- Jacques Yves Cousteau.
Which Finn is like a hotdog on the ice? Teemu Salami.
What do you call a cap to a jar that doesn't fit?
An invalid.
I am a dog.
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up.
And give you a shower!
Why did Mrs. Wine Grape run away from home?
She was tired of raisin a family.
Deaf Mute Gets New Hearing In Killing
I couldn’t help but notice that you’ve got 3 bags of Cool Ranch Doritos in your basket. Marry me?
I asked a panda if he was my friend.
He said, “Just bearly”.
Q: Why did the purple family have to move out?
A: They were plum too loud, excessively violet with one another, and were fuschiatives of the law.
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
What is Whitney Houston's favorite kind of lettuce?
Ennnnnnndddiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiivvvee.
How does the cell phone call his girlfriend on Valentine's Day? He gives her a ring.
What should you do if you can't afford a fancy trumpet?
Buy a frugelhorn
What's the hardest tea to swallow?
Reality.
What did the turkey say before it was roasted? Boy! I'm stuffed!
Why did Santa send his daughter to college? To keep her off the North Pole.
I saw a sheep covered in plastic
It was lambinated.
I sent back the soup served to me at the restaurant. It was not of soup-reme quality.
It's getting warmer and the snow is melting. Time for me to melt your heart.
Why can’t you ever tell a joke around glass?
It could crack up.
Hey babe, are you the Mcdonald's Ice Cream Machine, because you just aren't working for me anymore.
“To like and dislike the same things, that is what makes a solid friendship.”
— Sallust
It’s worth a shot.
“What strange creatures brothers are!”—Jane Austen
Why will you not want to give a bath to the Saturn? It would then leave a ring around the tub.
Police Officer: "How high are you?" Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"
"If kisses were snowflakes, I'd send you a blizzard."
I like to roll peas from the top of a mountain. I always start at the peak.
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