It used to be free to fill up your car tires with air, now it costs $1.25. You know why?
Inflation.

What do you call an overweight alien?
An extra cholesterol.

What do you call a disabled paper towel?
A napkan't.

I had a salad pun, but I tossed it

My pink bird friend got dumped a while ago. He was sad for a while, but now he’s singe and ready to flamingle.

Soup is only musical when it is piping hot.

My husband Ronnald asked me what do monkeys wear when cooking.
I said, "an aperon".

Don't get caught elvesdropping on Santa!

What do sophisticated fish drink? Salt-Tea.

Once we were so poor, we only had a calendar to use as toilet paper.
Now those days are behind me.

Have you ever heard of mushroom cars? Well, they have an interesting sound which goes line shroom shroom!

Why was Tony Soprano fat? Cause he thought getting a slice of the pie was a piece of cake.

What do you call a turtle who takes up photography?
A snapping turtle.

Like America to Hawaii in 1898, you’ve annexed my heart.

A cowboy and a Mexican were walking side-by-side by a beach in Mexico. The Cowboy asked to the Mexican if the Gulf of Mexico was an ocean.
"Sea, Señor," replied the Mexican.

I did a good deed today by giving up my seat on the bus to an elderly lady...
How was I supposed to know she’d never driven a bus before?

What kind of wine do traffic cops like best?
Fine wine!

I’m a fraction – be my other half.

Why did the hotdogger quit skiing at MaryJane?
Because it was the wurst stunt skier at Winter Park Resort.

I am not your first love, but I would love to be the last.

Why didn’t the hipster real estate agent show the ocean-side mansion?
It was too current.

Never laugh at your spouse’s choice… You’re one of them.

There was a Young Lady whose chin,
Resembled the point of a pin.
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased a harp,
And played several tunes with her chin.

How can you tell if there's a dinosaur in the refrigerator ? The door won't close!

What is the the chemical formulation for candy molecules? Carbon, Holmium, Cobalt, Lanthanum, Tellerium—or ChoCoLaTe.

My boyfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two boyfriends.

The day after your birthday,
you look in the mirror to see:
a) you've got a zit from eating all that cake;
b) your love handles have expanded a half inch;
c) you singed your eyebrows blowing out the candles.

The day after your birthday,
a) you require six extra hours of sleep;
b) you can't find your living room under the birthday debris;
c) you wonder how you could possibly have done THAT.

The day after your birthday, it's time to:
a) return some gifts (what IS that, anyway?);
b) call your friends and apologize for yesterday;
c) get out of the country, fast.

The day after your birthday...
we should all look so great
and have it so good!

Happy Birthday!
Appreciate yourself and your life!

(Joanna Fuchs)

I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.

Hey girl. Are you a beaver cuz damn.

What is black, purple, blue, yellow and white? Sugilite, sardonyx and opal all fighting over a gumball.

There was an Old Man of New York, Who murdered himself with a fork;
But nobody cried though he very soon died,-
For that silly Old Man of New York.

Why could the Italian Chef not unlock his car?
He had Gnocchi.

It’s so cold we didn’t clean the house, we just defrosted it.

Oh, the heat! Doesn’t summer know – you’re all the sunshine I need!

How many berries could a bare berry carry,
if a bare berry could carry berries?
Well they can't carry berries
(which could make you very wary)
but a bare berry carried is more scary!

I'm reading a book about metal fasteners.
Riveting stuff.

"Wise men speak because they have something to say; fools because they have to say something."
- Plato

It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.

Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.

Dad: Did you hear about the cow that was arrested?
Kids: No.
Dad: He was uddermining the authorities.

A classically trainer theater performer just became a spy.
I guess you could say they perform... thespionage

How to stop a dog from digging in a garden?
Start right! Never let the dog see you digging... Doggy see doggy do.

Q: What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear!

What do you call a psychic gnome who escaped from prison?
A small, medium at large!

Hey girl, are you a cell phone? Because I just want to look at you all night long.

What do you get when you crossbreed a turkey with a harp?

A bird who can pluck itself.

How do you keep a goat from charging?
You take his credit card away!

What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease? Her IQ goes up!

There’s a man in Florida with no arms or legs who is armed and on the run

I don't usually brag about my drum jokes but um...
tss

What do you call a monkey with a banana in each ear?
Anything you want, he can’t hear you.