We are mint to be.

Who needs luck? I have charm.

Why do trees have to drink responsibly? Otherwise, they become a bunch of trunk idiots.

What is the head of an Italian dinosaur family called? Ptera Don

Lightning sometimes shocks people because it just doesn't know how to conduct itself.

Why do pandas have fur coats?
Because they’d look stupid in denim jackets.

The best thing ever to put in a strawberry pie is your teeth.

My dad thought Cuba would be boring. He's now Havana a really great time.

Why did the bus driver take a long break? He needed a wheel-y good rest!

What praise did a bat’s friend deserve? A bat on the back.

Remind your kids not to overdo it on the pumpkin pie this time of year.
Or they might get autumn'y ache.

Man is Fatally Slain.

Hey baby, are you in a tunnel? Because we’re breaking up.

Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker.

"A bad cold wouldn't be so annoying if it weren't for the advice of our friends." - Kin Hubbard

I started making lamps in the shape of the alphabet.
After the first three, it was a D-light.

There was a knock at the door this morning. I opened it and there was a wash basin on the doorstep.
I thought, "I'd better let this sink in."

What did the grape say when the Koala stood on it? Nothing, it just let out a little wine!

What is the reproductive area in South America? Spermatagonia.

This is the story of Casper Levenes,
A boy quite addicted to Heinz Spicy Beanz,
They boiled in his gut, fermented in his tum,
Then as a foul vapour they exited his bum.

His brothers said, Casper, that stench is quite vile,
Then they clubbed him with chair legs and said with great bile,
You're the smelliest human who's walked on this earth,
And really you should have been put down at birth.

As he fell to the ground he let out his last fart,
I'll never forget, in my death, your great part,
And when the church clock strikes midnight each night,
The brothers do quiver and shiver with fright.

For a stench that's quite eerie and reeks of the pit,
Pervades all their bedrooms and lounges and shit,
And they say to each other, that stink is the most,
It's our dead brother Casper, the flatulent ghost.

- Max Scratchman

A newspaper man named Fling,
Could make "copy" from any old thing.
But the copy he wrote,
Of a five dollar note,
Was so good he is now wears so much bling.

I don’t know who became more famous, Sir Francis Bacon or his son
Chris P. Bacon

What is a French cat's favorite dessert? Chocolate mousse!

You are photon quanta to my valence electron because you excite me to a higher energy level.

Where do rocks like to sleep?
In bedrocks!

I boiled a funny bone once.
It turned into a laughing stock.

There once was a vicar at Kew
Who kept his pet cat in a pew.
He taught it to speak
alphabetical Greek,
but it never got farther than µ.

What did the angry witch do after sitting on her broomstick?
She flew off the handle.

I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.

What did the hippocampus say during its retirement speech?
"Thanks for the memories."

How do you move a piece of furniture at the weather station?
With four casters.

What kind of chips do you eat in the bath?
Shower cream and onion.

“Business is the art of extracting money from another man’s pocket without resorting to violence." ~Max Amsterdam

You must be Egyptian, because I'm a enslaved by your eyes.

I’d like to tell a joke about salt but then said to myself: "Na."

My wife and I got married under a cell phone tower.
The ceremony wasn't great, but the reception was perfect.

What does a pirate with heart failures need?
Anti-arrrrrrrrrrhythmics.

Why did the Mexican take Xanax?
For hispanic attacks.

How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

“You are one yoga class away from a good mood.” – Unknown

Why did the hipster drown?
He went ice Skating before it was cool.

I'm 6'6", 280lb, and I've played piano for 23 years
I'm a huge pianist.

Q. What is a popular search engine for ghosts?
A. GHOULgle!

Why did the corn cross the road?
Because it was being stalked.

Do you believe in love at first sight? Or should I run by again?

If I could rearrange the alphabet I’d move U.
Because you’re blocking the TV.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Lee
Lee who?
Lee me alone - I've got a headache!

What do you get when you cross a vampire with an ice cube?
You end up with frost bite.

“My dog is a half pit bull, half poodle. Not much of a watchdog, but a vicious gossip!”

- Craig Shoemaker.

If your dog was a neurologist, what would it do all day?
Perform PET scans.